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Question regarding teacher e-mail...opinions please

stacylee757's picture

BACK STORY first...DH and BM share SD13.  BM legally makes all medical/schooling decisions. BM has SD13 during the weekday and DH gets SD13 two "evenings" a week and every other weekend. SD13 is going full remote this year in school  and BM has her 100 percent during the day. SD is lazy and has NOT been getting her schoolwork done when she's with BM during the day. BM is lazy to and makes excuess for SD13.  Now the school knows BM has full legal custody and more than likely knows SD13 is with BM during the day. So what follows is odd...

So DH got a call from SD13 math teacher last week saying she is way behind and not doing her school work. DH told the teacher SD13 is with BM all day and not him and the math teacher said she knew BUT wanted DH to know also. The next day DH get a email addressed to just him NOT BM from a different teacher. The email was from SD13 english teacher saying SD13 has a 0 average in class and missing 4 projects asking DH in helping SD13 get caught up. The teacher then went on to say it would be "great" if DH would follow up with a email in about a week. AND went on to say it would be " great" if DH would start emailing the teacher "weekly" for updates going forward..Now the school posts student grades/missing work/report cards ALL online which DH has access to so it was odd for the teacher to request DH to email him specifically for grade updates.

So DH "thinks' its because the teachers are not getting anyplace with BM so out of desperation reaching out to DH. I don't think this based on this last email above DH got from the engish teacher.

My first impression is the teachers are reaching out to BM first and BM is playing the "poor single mom" card saying she's not get any help from DH regarding getting SD13 to do her homework and SHE has to handle it all. So now the teachers are thinking DH is this deadbeat or at least not involved so trying to force his hand to get involved by asking him to "follow up weekly" for updates.

Thoughts?

 

 

Survivingstephell's picture

I would have DH email the teachers back explaining how his hands are tied by the CO, he does the best he can within the limits but he can only do so much.  If the school needs to report BM for truancy it might be best.  He can offer his full support of whatever choices BM forces them to make.  
She can't have the cake and eat it too.  If you want the control than you have to parent.  Can he put BM on notice for her failures as a parent?  Shame her?  Does she have an image to maintain at school?  Any leverage?   

lieutenant_dad's picture

This.

"Mr. English Teacher, SD lives with her mother during the week per our CO, and BM has 100% education decision-making. While I can push SD to do her assignments every other weekend that she is with me, I have no control over what she does during the week as she is physically not in my custody. If you have further questions about SD's participation in class during the school week, please direct them to her mother. Otherwise, I will work with SD to complete X project on her next weekend in my custody and will update you after that."

My DH had to take a similar approach. BM cut him out of school decisions, but YSS ALWAYS had two weeks worth of math and reading logs and semester-long projects due the Monday after visitation. DH did what he could to get YSS caught up, but there is only so much you can do when you're the parent without physical custody and education decision-making (and when BM tells the school you're the deadbeat parent yet she doesn't work and her kid is STILL behind, but I digress).

DH needs to paint the picture of SD's life to the teacher and provide a plan for what he can do during his custody time. If your DH is concerned enough, he may want to start working with the teachers to gather evidence of educational neglect and consider fighting for more custody (though that definitely comes with its own set of challenges).

stacylee757's picture

BM wants total control BUT expects DH to help with the dirty work. Yes DH could go after BM about SD13 school Performance BUT Historically BM will turn it around and point the finger at DH for not doing his fair share. Unfortunately I'm working with a DH with Full-blown divorce daddy guilt and BM is a great Manipulator. Meaning if DH feels "others" think he's Neglecting his fatherly duties he will cave. The last thing I need is that rotten spoiled brat over more because DH feels he needs to take control of the situation. Don't think the school could get BM on  truancy as SD13 logs in for school everyday BUT just refuses to do 90 percent of the work. 
 

Im just trying to feel out the teachers in what they are thinking by reaching out to DH this way

tog redux's picture

Your explanation is more likely than his, unless the school has had contact with him before and found him to be the more reasonable parent.

He should just email back and say he appreciates the updates and helps her as best he can on the few days that he has her.

Survivingstephell's picture

We were at high school parent teacher conferences and some of the teachers had my bios and some had skids and some had both.  The ones that had both , well you could see the wheels grinding to a halt when we explained who we were and which kids were who's.  I knew then that BM and the skids had been trashing DH.   He set the teachers straight on how much influence he had over skids (none) and saw that my good student bios weren't being parented by a who knows what term BM used.  It was comedy watching them work it all out and it put DH in a new light.  
 

OP he must set the school straight. He also must let  skid know what he knows.  It's also not fair to kill his parenting time with schoolwork, skid will end up hating him: exactly what BM wants.  

tog redux's picture

And it won't work anyway. My DH was always trying to get SS to do his work and it ruined all the time he had with him; meanwhile BM let him get away with doing very little, or did it for him, and painted DH as mean and too strict.

SS21 barely graduated from high school and has done nothing with his life since.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I wouldn't worry the school is just reaching out to DH out of desperation. You can be assured BM has been getting emails all along. 

Same issue here with SKs. The school emails BM almost daily and has seen no progress. They email SO but he is impossible to talk to and just gets defensive with them.

So they email me out of desperation. I tell them I give the messages to SO and although I agree with them, I  am not allowed to get involved in parental issues like school per BM.

stacylee757's picture

To Strongly Imply it would be "great" if DH would follow up weekly for "updates"? To me that says "we" the "teachers" think you could/should be more involved and be reaching out to the teachers to see what YOU can be doing to help this situation. 
 

The fact DH almost NEVER gets emails from the school Addressed to both BM and DH only to him. This tells me BM is reaching out first to the teachers  about these problems and probably saying she's not getting any help from DH

nappisan's picture

hmmm ive been in this situation with DH and the school,, DH started getting all the email correspondance etc too,, it was simply the school had exhausted all avenues of trying to get in contact and a response from BM they simply gave up as when they would contact DH they would get a response.  I dont think she is playing the poor single mum card ,, i think she simply doesnt give a shit and ignores everything 

advice.only2's picture

I have a friend who is a teacher and it's on the teacher to find any means necessary to ensure none of the students fail.
Even if the student never logs in or does any work, it's on the teacher to jump through all the hoops to find a way to make it possible to pass the kid.

weightedworld's picture

Been there with bfs BM and their 6 yr old who is in Kindergarten. She was literally failing kindergarten, assignments were not being turned in and her attendence was nothing short of plain shitty and flat out embaressing. 

She also has two older boys and their father was contacted as well and they were actually going towards truency with them. 

The school is only reaching out because thtey have exhausted all means to reach BM and has nothing to do with the BS stories BM is telling them. They can see it, trust me. 

In bfs case the principal actually went to her business (local bar) during the supper one night to get his point across after bf had exhausted his limited abilities as well. A call was placed to DHS which she bullshitted her way out of but in the end her attendence and participation in school has been up to par since.. except recently she has started to slip again with the attendence and tardies. 

Don't take it personal.. as I said the school knows.. they chains they have to follow as well. With them contacted DH it simply means they have exhausted everything else and are getting to the end of their rope. 

I would suggest he do what he can and try to light the fire under BMs ass. These are trying times and luckily for us we are in school.. beings she isn't it takes a bit more work and dedication. Beings BM is the custodial parent she better step it up or you may find your next post dealing with SD and homework.

Dogmom1321's picture

I am a teacher and also a step mom. The teacher needs to be CCing BOTH bio parents on all emails at the same time. Regardless of custody schedule, both bios have rights to educational records due to FERPA laws. They need to be receiving the exact same communication. Your DH needs to request this. He can of course go further to explain how he can try to help his two evenings a week and follow up... but that's the extent of it. 

Once BM realizes that DH is also receiving documentation of SD doing poorly, she will probably kick it into gear. 

Rags's picture

Have your attorney forward all of the communication from  the school to the Judge that issued the CO.

Livingoutloud's picture

BM probably told them to contact SD's father. We have a kid who isnt doing anything and mom would just give us lip service, all of a sudden she started sending us emails with dad's contacts and say please let the dad know. Until then we didn't even know there is the father in the picture. I'd not contact him because he isn't on school records. I don't even know who the man is. It's been known with BMs giving us info of their husbands or boyfriends claiming they are the fathers. If your DH is on school records, it's normal for them to contact him and especially if BM asked them to start contacting dad. 

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll BM signed up kiddo for her freshman year of high school. So, she gets all the emails, and after I introduced myself on behalf of DH, now I am included (sometimes).

Munchkin SD14 was failing 3 classes her first semester. Now shes getting 2 c's, a b and a's, but is behind 5 assignments in orchestra (hence the c). Its hard with week on/week off because she disappears into this "vortex of nothingness" when at TT's apartment. At our house I can help and be there to remind etc. Get supplies when needed. And then last Friday her rabbit at her mothers house got sick and died the next day, and she refused to do her assignments as requested by DH. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

sucks.

And Munchkin is requesting a 2-week on/off situation.