Question for the MOMS out there
I'm okay with where we are now. I'm a SM to a SD13, she, DH and I are pretty darn happy together. After years of trying to be part of SD's life at school, with friends etc, I learned that it's best if I'm not around. BM gets very upset when she sees me, its better for everyone when I'm invisible. So I'm still a part of SD's life when she's here (half the time), I just don't make myself present in ways that BM (or her mom friends) can see me.
But last week, SD asked me to come to her debate finals. I tried to get out of it without making her feel bad because I knew her mom would be there. But SD kept asking me and DH said she asked him too. This is getting ridiculous, I thought. So I went, and that made SD very happy. I liked being there to support her.
BM came over and found DH and me in the auditorium during a break. She asked questions about SD's camp schedule this summer, told DH to make SD study for finals, and some other things about SD. BM didn't make eye contact with me or acknowledge my existence the entire time (about 10 minutes). That's okay.
I don't mind if BM ignores me. But I do sometimes wonder if she knows and/or accepts that I contribute to her daughter's life in big ways that have to do with school. How she feels about it is none of my business but it just seems like common sense that she would know that. Not that she has to address me about it, I'm a big girl and can keep my ego in check.
But here's my question. Moms, you do realize that the stepmom in your kid's life is probably involved with stuff like camps, studying, etc? I don't mean that in an aggressive way, it's just a fact (in most blended families). I'm just wondering how other moms deal with this? I mean, even if you hate the SM in your life, you do on some level understand that the SM is helping raise your kid, right?!
I'm pretty sure any BM that
I'm pretty sure any BM that you find here that are also SM are going to be supportive of the SM role in their kid's life because they understand the SM role.
That's true. I guess I'm kind
That's true. I guess I'm kind of preaching to the choir! I'd ask on some of the other stepmom sites I've found but honestly the moms on those sites scare me!
Wow!!! My jaw literally
Wow!!! My jaw literally dropped when I read this.
That is so great! That must
That is so great! That must have made things easier for you and nicer for them too. Glad some people can act like grown ups and put the kid first.
I think your right that's why
I think your right that's why my BM has gone "batsh*t crazy" a few times because she knows I'm helping raise her daughter. I try to empathize I do think it must be very hard to be away from your child and then to know that someone else that you didn't choose is influencing them.
I am good friends with BM1
I am good friends with BM1 and she was always good to me when I was married to our ex. I am in a high conflict situation with my ex but am so appreciative that the woman he ended up with is good to BS8. He has given her a housewarming gift and a beautiful hanging basket on mother's day. She has no kids of her own and I believe had lady issues. BS really likes her, so it is good.
I can see that happening but
I can see that happening but not in my case. My DH is present and accounted for and does most of the parenting. I used to tag along at school stuff etc as his wife (and parenting partner) until we realized it made things worse because of BM's behavior. He does all the things you mention and always has.
I think I'm very simpatico
I think I'm very simpatico with what you're saying i've just never heard it laid out like that. I agree. You're right, I'm doing it for my DH and my SD but mostly for my DH. He is very grateful and shows it all the time. Mostly he just gives me tons of space and I do or don't do for SD whatever I want. It's always my choice. He just approached it that way from the beginning.
I don't need BM to acknowledge me, I just think it's ODD. It's weird to pretend I don't exist when her daughter spends half her life with me. Oh well, not my problem I guess!
In my case all our kids were
In my case all our kids were adults (chronologically anyway) when DH and I married. And my BD was an actual functioning adult when my ex recently married.
But in praise of my DD's stepmom, she did all the wedding flowers for DD. Put them together in the bathroom in DDs very small apartment. At the same time I was baking the desserts in DDs very small kitchen. I had never met this woman before, and I have as little to do with my ex as possible. Awkward, but she must have felt way more awkward than I did.
DDs stepmom worked her ass off. My ex was his typical selfish self and left his wife alone at my DD's place, with just me, while he went shopping for himself. Fortunately, I was making a cake with Guinness and Baileys so I kept bringing her drinks. Her, I like. My ex, not so much.
Cake was fantastic. Flowers were beautiful.
I get along very well with
I get along very well with exH's new GF. I genuinely like her. But then again BS is an adult and I'm secure in the relationship I have with my son.
When exH moved in with her, she told my son that the spare room in the basement was his. He could put up pictures on the walls, leave clothes there and while it was a spare room he had first dibs if he ever wanted to stay there.
He came home and told me all this in a snarky voice. He said isn't it stupid, I live here, my room is here.
I said No, I think it's wonderful. She is trying to make you feel comfortable and welcome in the place your Dad is now living in.
It changed his whole attitude. I think he wanted to protect me and for me to know that he loves me more and the most, which I already knew. I wasn't at all threaten by his relationship with her.
He now has a great relationship with both her and his Dad. I think a lot of it is because I gave him permission to love her.
This is the first GF that exH has introduced BS to and we have been apart for over 15 years. BS wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about her or how to treat her.
He was always polite and respectful but I think he felt that he shouldn't get to close to her. That it would somehow hurt me. Once he knew I was okay with it, he was free to be himself and not worry about my reactions.
My SD(26) and I just went to get a pedicure. I know that her mother will never in a million years know that we did. BM would be beyond upset that SD and I had a bonding moment.
SD is wonderful and we get along very well but in front of her mother she is guarded. I don't push it because I love SD and know that she is only protecting herself and her mother. It's easy for us because BM doesn't live here and so we very rarely see her together.
I am not a step mom. I found
I am not a step mom. I found this site through the mentally unfit biological parents. I am divorcing my Dh. Not only does my STB-EX have paranoid schitzophrenia he is unbeliveably cruel.
This question actually made me realize how abnormal my childrens life has been.
My first instruction to my children about any potential step mom will be protect her. I know that I will not be able to warn her because she will not believe he is what he is until he attacks her.
But my children know his warning signs and they know his triggers. (he never targets them) I Know that my DS15 will step in between if he tries to attack her. That will give my other DS enough time to get help over there.
I have alaways tried to explain to my children that daddy was ill. I gave stb-ex a lot of lee way because I was never certain if that was 'him' or if it was his illness that made him act that way. My children have a lot of anger towards their father because they couldn't really understand that he was ill, but they KNEW he was mean.
I would be scared for anyone who hooks up with him. But I would instruct my children to watch out for her. To warn her if they notice he is getting aggitated and she doesn't know the signs. If she refuses to listen to my children I will have my children call their paternal GM to come talk him down.
Although ex is a terrible person he has always been an adoring father. The kids are in some special bubble. In his mind they are always safe people. I know he won't hurt them physically. He just keeps them on edge and stressed out because they are always waiting for the crazy to rear its ugly head.
I have never tried to PAS my kids against their dad. Because he has never hurt them the courts say he gets visitation. But I know that because of his past actions once my children age out they will see their dad the barest minium.