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Question for mental health professionals or anyone else with input

KaziJ790's picture

See my last post for full details. SS14 has Been professionally diagnosed since six years old with mood disorders which he is on medication for. SS14 can Violently explode( punching/hitting/swearing and breaking things) when DH try's and reprimand or make SS14 do something he does not want to. This has been brought up to both SS14 Social worker and psychiatrist as this is the reason he's been Diagnosed in the first place. Violent over-the-top behavior. 
 

So my question is WHY do Medical professionals first go to medication and LOTS of therapy?? Not once has anyone asked about Consequences when SS14 does this or that he should be punished. It's almost like they try and blame the parents for not giving enough Accommodations or making to much stress for SS14. Really? I get these kids have a real problem BUT in my opinion these Mental health professionals are not doing any justice by making excuses for bad behavior. I mean SS14 is 4 years from becoming an adult then what? Will they still think it's DH fault when SS14 is 20 yrs old 6 foot and 200 pounds and beats the crap out of DH?? I don't get these people

2Tired4Drama's picture

You got a lot of good insight and perspectives to your post from this morning.  I won't add to any of the valuable advice others have already given you.

If you are just venting, that's fine. But if you have serious questions about the mental health care your SS is getting then his father needs to address it with those professionals.  He might also go to SS's primary care provider and ask for a full medical workup to see if there are any other issues with him.

FWIW, I am not a big proponent of medicating kids because of behavior issues. Structure and discipline, and consequences, will work wonders if applied correctly.  I think most kids actually prefer that to a free-for-all do-what-you-want parenting style.

I know this is now politically incorrect and would not happen today, but if I had ever raised a hand to one of my parents and said I wanted to kill them, I would have been either kicked in my rear-end so fast my head would have spun, or I would have been packed off to a "juvenile delinquent" home. 

Maybe some a$$-kicking is in order.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Are you sure they aren't recommending structure, rules, and consequences? Where are you getting your info about his treatment plan? If it's anything other than first-hand from the therapist, my guess is DH and BM are not giving you the full story. Any good therapist would recommend those things.  If he doesn't get discipline at home, he will get it from his corrections officers later in life. 

KaziJ790's picture

They do recommend Structure/Routines a lot BUT if that fails or not Practical for ever little thing in life there is no talk about Consequences. Just change medication around, more talk therapy and Blame DH for not keeping everything "perfect" for SS14 so he does not get upset

ndc's picture

I'm not a mental health professional, but my sister has some issues and her psychologist most definitely recommended consequences.  There was medication and talk therapy, too, but my parents were told not to walk on eggshells around her and to parent, discipline and impose consequences.  Having mental health issues wasn't a free pass.  Maybe new professionals are in order.

FWIW, there are some scary bad mental health professionals out there.  A friend of mine has a daughter whose psychiatrist and therapist were horrible - the therapist tore apart the family and the psychiatrist almost medicated the kid to death (seriously, she became suicidal).  My friend took her to an intensive therapy program on an emergency basis and the first thing they did there was get her off the medicine her crazy psychiatrist had been prescribing - that was the biggest problem.  She's doing 1000 times better now with different professionals.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Having worked in a acute care psychiatric facility for children. I can tell you structure is a key component in treatment. 

But consequences are different. They use very structured social skills training programs like the psychoeducational model. 

You can find more information for parents online at Boys Town.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Having worked in a acute care psychiatric facility for children. I can tell you structure is a key component in treatment. 

But consequences are different. They use very structured social skills training programs like the psychoeducational model. 

You can find more information for parents online at Boys Town.

CajunMom's picture

That seems to be the route to go these days. I've had two friends who've had to take this stance with "mental" kids. And it was a fight but they both finally got their wishes. Neither child has ever returned to the home, either. The one I know of more info, the SK went to live with BM, as both BF and SM had legitimate fears of child, ie. threatening to kill, hitting people in the home.

Good luck. If it was me and that kid wasn't put into some sort of residential program, I'd pack my shit and move on. This won't get any better. He's allowed to be an asshole in your home by his father. His misplaced anger and rage will get worse and so will the violence. Best to you. Just be careful with that kid in your home. And yes to cameras. Everywhere.

tog redux's picture

Structure and routine includes consequences. Schools have structure and kids get get consequences for violating that structure.  

You are are blaming the wrong people. Your DH’s parenting is the issue here. He doesn’t have clear rules and doesn’t give consequences for poor behavior. He lets SS attack him and fears giving him any consequences. So in that sense, yes, it’s DH’s fault.  Meds and therapy aren’t magic, he has to do the hard parenting work.

If you don't like the therapist, get a new one. Ask him/her to discuss the best way to give consequences, then implement them. I am in the child mental health field, and where I work, he'd probably not qualify for residential because he does fine in school. They would put more supports in your home to help with parenting.

Here's what your DH needs to do - clear rules and structure in the home. Gaming time is earned. Aggressive and destructive outbursts result in police calls and being taken to the hospital for evaluation, plus loss of privileges. Instead, your DH is babying him and apologizing to him so he doesn't get upset, which has the opposite effect.

Ask for more help with parenting if you aren't getting it. What happens in your home is not the fault of the mental health team.

CajunMom's picture

The fact he CAN behave at school is very telling. It's his home life that is the problem. Everything Tog said is correct. That ability to behave in school will definitely deter any residential placement. The two kids I mentioned in my comment were doing miserably everywhere in life. Your DH is going to have to start parenting his son.

Rags's picture

Not a therapist or med pro.... but I have made a great living continually optimizing organizational performance in large part implementing behavioral accountability systems, measurements and practices.  Structured practices with clearly defined performance standards and progressive discipline practices for non compliance work wonders in optimizing organizational amd human performance.

It also works wonders in raising high performance kids to viable self sufficient adulthood.

It is sad to me that so many failures as parents go the excuse route of outsourcing responsibility for the behavior and performance of their children to the excuse of the month pseudo science club of "experts".

Certainly there are some kids that have legitimate issues requiring medication or therapy.  Though even those with legitimate issues must still be effectively parented within structured behavioral and performance standards..... and consequences.

IMHO of course.

2Tired4Drama's picture

And I also respectfully disagree with those who believe calling law enforcement to tackle an out-of-control child is part of the disciplinary solution. 

 

Rags's picture

I think that engaging law enforcement is dependent on the age of the kid and what the behavior is.

A violent teen who assaults others in the home and family.... buh-bye.  Enjoy being hauled off in cuffs and enjoy your degrading life in the CJ system.

IMHO of course.

At some point a parent has to let a kid suffer the consequences of their choices.  When that kid represents a threat to the safety, wellbeing, and sanctity of a marriage and family, the wellbeing of the others in the family trump that of a violent dangerous kid.

We have very close friends who adopted two at risk boys over several years. Both boys were about 8yo when adopted.  They adopted them 4 years apart. The eldest ended up being a molester of younger children and ended up at a residential behavioral ranch.  They spent a fortune getting him therapy and ultimately relinquished their parental rights to the State because the boy would not work the program and was committed to his perspective that "how could it be bad if is feels good".  The straw that broke the camel's back was when the boy assaulted a teacher at the camp and charges were pressed. They refused to expose their younger son and any other children to the predator or to risk their financial security to liability law suits for the perv kid's penchant for molesting his school mates.

Sadly... their younger son was recently in an RTF for lighting fires in the house.   They are committed to him, but.... that may change if he fails to remain committed to the therapy and behavioral changes.

Some kids... are beyond salvage and cannot be tolerated.

 

BPDHell's picture

If the kid is the size of a fully grown adult with the impulse control of a toddler and has aggression and/or violent tendencies, there isn't much choice. Calling the police is always a last resort, but it's sometimes necessary. It is really, really difficult to get appropriate mental health help in this country and it is a sad state of affairs that law enforcement gets pulled into this. Not to get political, but this is why it is a GOOD idea to have social workers and mental health workers responding with the police to these types of calls, because they have the training to help deescalate these types of situations. We had a young man killed by the police in our community a few years ago who was having a psychotic episode, his family called the police because he became destructive and violent and they were scared for their own lives. Parents of kids with these types of severe mental health issues know the danger. But who else could you call in a full-blown mental emergency where they are being aggressive or violent and you can't make the person be physically compliant? You hope the police don't shoot them, but who else can help with someone that is being violent? I will ALWAYS hesitate to call the police, because I don't want my SS killed, I just want him to get help, but he refuses to treat his mental health problems and that makes him dangerous and unpredictable. And unfortunately, that means I keep my phone close when he's around.

Rags's picture

I think that engaging law enforcement is dependent on the age of the kid and what the behavior is.

A violent teen who assaults others in the home and family.... buh-bye.  Enjoy being hauled off in cuffs and enjoy your degrading life in the CJ system.

IMHO of course.

At some point a parent has to let a kid suffer the consequences of their choices.  When that kid represents a threat to the safety, wellbeing, and sanctity of a marriage and family, the wellbeing of the others in the family trump that of a violent dangerous kid.

We have very close friends who adopted two at risk boys over several years. Both boys were about 8yo when adopted.  They adopted them 4 years apart. The eldest ended up being a molester of younger children and ended up at a residential behavioral ranch.  They spent a fortune getting him therapy and ultimately relinquished their parental rights to the State because the boy would not work the program and was committed to his perspective that "how could it be bad if is feels good".  The straw that broke the camel's back was when the boy assaulted a teacher at the camp and charges were pressed. They refused to expose their younger son and any other children to the predator or to risk their financial security to liability law suits for the perv kid's penchant for molesting his school mates.

Sadly... their younger son was recently in an RTF for lighting fires in the house.   They are committed to him, but.... that may change if he fails to remain committed to the therapy and behavioral changes.

Some kids... are beyond salvage and cannot be tolerated.

 

tog redux's picture

To clarify - I recommend calling the police for him to be taken to the hospital for evaluation - and/or for charges to be pressed for assault. Not as a way of disciplining him.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would call if i felt that my DH couldn't control him and my life was in danger, or if he were a threat to anyone in the home's life or safety. Also if the teen were destroying property that would seriously impact my life (burning or destroying the house or car.) Not to "scare" him, but to have him taken away! It would be a last resort, but i could see it becoming necessary. A 14-year-old could cause the same amount of damage as an adult. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly. If you want a child evaluated at the ED because he can't calm down, the police are the way to get him there. And they can press charges or at least make a report which can help to get an order of protection (where he violates it if he's aggressive or threatening).

Police aren't meant to discipline, but if he breaks laws, he needs to be held accountable.

Harry's picture

Most people don't want to committee there kids to a live in place for months to do therapy.  The cost involved for that treatment     Or they don't want to take there kid to therapy three days a week for months.  So medication is given. 
To tell the truth most of there kids can not be helped.  Mental science is not really good. Especially for the really disturbed kids 

Just remember if you call the police they take him to a hospital. I hope you have good insurance.  Most likely the hospital bill will be $5000 for emergency room. Then $3000 a day to stay there.  Some major medical insurance has riders on mental health.  They will only pay for X and Y but not Z 

and after so many hours the kid can walk  out  you need a judge to make him stay there against his wishes