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Question for BMs

Thisisnotus's picture

my ex trying to reduce child support....in doing so he retained an attorney and so I will also.

we have have shared/joint everything and it’s been a nightmare....too much to get into as kids do need one parent to make important decisions...

so my question..... has anyone successfully added anything about medical....and had it stay in the agreement.

for example...I don’t want my kids seeing a chiropractor and I’m against it but ex does it anyway and gives the supplements and has them detox and all this other crap.....I don’t agree with.

our initial agreement was vague and lousy....

any thoughts? I’ll be seeking primary as I should have....no more shared.

Mama24's picture

If you can get a judge to order it, yes they can put it in the agreement. But the judge has to side with you on that, and I don't see a judge siding with you on this. Chiropractic Care is not illegal. It sounds like your ex really cares about your kids' health and that's a good thing, in my opinion! Why are you "against" chiro?

To answer your question, we did have something about medical insurance in our agreement. Nothing saying that they can't be seen by certain doctors, however.

Thisisnotus's picture

I’d want them to be seen by medical doctors only.

he married a chiropractor so if my kids get a fever or injured or anything he only takes them to her. 

He won’t take them to a dentist or doctor no matter what.....I was married to him for 15 years and we took the kids to doctors when they are sick. New wife forbids medical doctors....so...he doesn’t actually care about their health....I’ve picked them up after his week and they have a high fever and strep...but had an adjustment to “cure it” of course I took them to the dr to  see what was wrong.

and his wife has a habit of drinking too much and getting high and then trying to perform adjustments on my kids at their house under the influence.

SteppedOut's picture

Uuugh, what a nightmare. 

An "adustment" to treat strep. That is stupid. 

I'm sorry your childen (and you) are having to deal with this freaking witch "doctor". 

Rags's picture

Whack jobs have no business around children.  I would suggest that you maintain a comprehensive health log on your kids and when they are sick and initially only receive Chiropractic care and then require traditional medical care keep diligent track of SM's whacky bullshit.  When you have enough documentation drag your X to court and smack he and his idiot wife around with the legal system.

My SIL is one who was all in to herbal medicine, essential oils, not giving her children the complete Rx when a medical doctor perscribed meds, etc.......  My brother finally had to be the one to take over caring for their kids when they were sick because he was concerned with the hokie crap that his wife was into and that his kids would suffer for it.

If your X will not use his head and continues to let his new whack job Rafiki wife lead him around by his pecker to the detriment of your kids drag his ass to court and bring the pain.

My grand father was one who was into chiroprators rather than doctors.  He swore that his chiro was treating his high blood pressure.   When he would go in

for an adjustment his BP would go down.  My dad bought him a BP cuff and proved to his father that chiropractic care was not effective in maintaining BP control for more an a couple of hours and then dragged his dad to a MD for meds.  Ultimately grand dad had an anurism rupture while he was sleeping and that was what killed him but dad's intervention likely gave grand dad another 20 or so years of quality life.

Chiropractic medicine has its place but it is not appropropriate for ailments that require real medical care.

IMHO of course.

 

Rags's picture

Though Chiropracty is not illegal, it also has zero scientific efficacy.

My GrandDad was big into Chiropractic and would go for an adjustment to treat his hypertension/high blood pressure.  He took the difference between before he started an adjustment and after he had completeted an adjustment as his proof that it was effective in controlling his blood pressure.  One weekend when I was on permit from Military school I asked him to sit down and I took his bloodpresure with his automatic BP cuff.  I then had him lay down for 15mins and then had him sit up and I took his BP again... the same results as before and after a trip to his Chiropractor.

He started taking and kept taking his BP meds from then on for over a decade... before he passed at 85.  He kept supporting his Chiropractor, but he also took his meds.

I am fine with Chiropractic care for musculo-skeletal alignment issues. Just not as a treatment for an actual medical condition.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If you have proof of medical neglect, focus on that and not on him using alternative medicine. Saying you don't like chiropractic care won't get you far. Saying the kids have come to you sick and he allowed a medical professional to work on them while intoxicated will. Also, if you know she is providing care outside her license (i.e. saying shw can "cure" a fever), and doing it under the influence, report her to the state licensing board or Attorney General.

Whether or not you keep shared, get primary, or lose shared and he gets primary (also a possibility) is up to the judge. You need to go in with soljd evidence that he is incapable of making decisions in the best interests of the kids. Just not liking his brand of parenting won't cut it.

Maxwell09's picture

You would have to prove that BM is forcing them to these Drs or to take these supplements when they're unnecessary. If you can prove she's just trying to rack up dr bills for you to pay they will most likely add your clause into the custody order limiting BMs rights to take the kids to any and every dr she wants. 
 

If that doesn't work then you might have to just back away from the whole situation. I know quitting sucks but some BMs are just too confrontational and won't settle down until they realize you won't fight back anymore. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Thanks!

i guess my question was sort of not fully explained....my ex is seeking less child support to which I will agree if I’m primary custodian on medical, school etc. so far it’s been just a battle and free for all...with medical stuff....ex trying to change the kids school without telling me etc...shared everything hasn’t worked.

he will agree to me being primary because he only cares about money....so as primary medical decision maker I want to know if I can stipulate the kids only been seen by medical doctors.....

tog redux's picture

Yes, as primary decision maker, you decide where they go for care.  If he will trade that for less CS, go for it.

Thisisnotus's picture

I am the BM in this case. My Ex and I 99 percent of the time pararrel parent and do not communicate....my kids aren’t really young.

there are no medical bills as his wife is the chiropractor. I just prefer my children be seen by a medical doctor when they are sick. 

 

Rags's picture

Take them to an MD or a DO when they are with you for real medical care.  XH and the DC SM can adjust them to their hearts content when they are with them.  I would have your kids into their PCP for annual physicals so that you can monitor the kids and identify any problems that the Chiropractor SM may cause.

Hopefully there will be no damage caused by SM... but be prepared to nail her ass if it happens.  Her Chiropractic license and malpractice insurance should be attacked if she hurts your kids.

IMHO of course.

 

susanm's picture

I would focus more on his failure to take the children to their regular doctor or dentist when it was required and them subsequently needing more extensive treatment than would have been necessary when you took them yourself once you regained custody.  The argument that you don't want the new wife being involved because she thinks she is a doctor when she is NOT makes sense to us but to people not in stephell will sound petty.  They don't get it most of the time.  Stick with their actual medical records.  Hopefully it is noted in there that they had been suffering from the symptoms for X number of days and received no treatment other than an "adjustment" and supplements.  Did I really read that they are trying to treat dental issues with chiropractics?  That is a new one......

Thisisnotus's picture

No, he just won’t take them to the dentist on his time. I have to get them from him for appt if it falls on his time.

DD14 fracture her ankle on one of ex Hs weeks.... but was being treated by the chiropractor instead of a doctor....I picked her up...took her X-ray....fracture.

then they tried to get DD16 to “lose weight” when she isn’t overweight....so made her do some juice diet with some supplements and she ended up not eating for days and getting really sick.....

its just been crazy. 

In almost 4 years I make no waves for ex and SM.....like I said no contact as i prefer it that way. But since ex wants to rewrite the agreement for CS I’d like to add in something about medical treatment 

susanm's picture

Ankle?  I am not super familiar with chiropractic but I thought it was limited to spinal issues.  How would "my ankle hurts", and is probably swollen/discolored if there was a fracture, be within her area of practice?  And telling a healthy 16 year old that she needs to lose weight on a juice fast is just asking to kick off an eating disorder.  There are several of us on the board who have had various eating disorders ourselves and once they start it is something you usually struggle with to a degree for the rest of your life.  Definitely something to be avoided if at all humanly possible!

I agree with the other poster about making a report to her governing board if she continues trying to treat them rather than your DH taking them to the appropriate professional.

tog redux's picture

Or CPS.  There isn't a ton of evidence behind most chiropractic services at all, and failing to get care for a broken ankle is a CPS issue.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait, I thought you were talking about young children.   These kids are old enough to refuse any treatment their SM tries to give them.

How do you force a 16 year old to juice?  

Thisisnotus's picture

Well....you make her feel like she is fat and unhealthy and you make her feel like an outsider if she doesn’t partake in the juicing with Dad and SM and step sibling.

you make snide comments and dirty looks to her if she wants to eat pizza or a burger or drink a soda.....

Basically kill her self image because she isn’t “fit” enough for SM standard.....ExH went full on board so expects kids to do the same.....

 

Rags's picture

Do not sacrifice your children to your idiot X and his whack job wife just to avoid making waves.  The broken ankle without actual medical care, the juice diet/supplements induced illness should have been met with full confrontation and a law suit through your attorney backed up by your doctoors.

smh

2nd wives club's picture

You go to a chiropractor to get your body back in alignment and get rid of pain. And I love our chiropractor! He is amazing.

But no chiro adjustment in the world will get rid of strep throat. And if you don't treat strep it can lead to other health problems down the road.

Let me guess, ex's wife thinks vaccines are evil too.

susanm's picture

OOOOH girl....  Now you have done it.  You said the "V word."  Everybody get the popcorn and pour the beverage of your choice.....

(For the record, I got my flu shot as soon as it was available and an MMR booster because I have no idea whether my rather irresponsible mother completed my vaccinations.  We have had outbreaks of measles in the immediate area among both unvaccinated children and adults who had believed that they were protected from their childhood vaccines.  Taking no chances!)

Thisisnotus's picture

Ding ding ding! Her kid is not vaccinated....she lied and claimed religious reasons or something for school.

This particular chiropractor (I have known her for ever) is against medical doctors and takes offense that she isn’t one I guess.....

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

But when she was 11 and really really sick and no one knew yet she had diabetes BM would only take her to a chiropractor for spinal adjustments. She almost died. And I bet a judge would grant you that rights . Chiropractors are not real doctors. They haven't been to medical school. 

Rags's picture

Parents like your Skid's BM need to be shot or at the very least kept at least 500ft from any child. Including their own.  Grrrrr!  What she did to her diabetic kid is pure torture.  Trust me.  I have been there.  The pain and nausea caused by extremely high BG is hell.

I was Dx'd as a T-1 at 16 during my first semester at Military School. The school was very supportive and used me as a recruiting example to comfort the parents of T-1 children regarding sending their kids to boarding school.  Even as a very freshly Dx'd T-1 I was always amazed by these kids scarfing down candy and soft drinks wholesale.  I was asked a number of times to respond to diabetic Cadets who were extremely hypoglycemic and even asked to oversee blood tests every AM for all of the diabetic Cadets with the school nurse.  I was repeatedly asked how I was not having extreme lows and extreme hights while the other diabetic Cadets were all over the map.  At that time I just did not eat sugar, candy, etc... ever.  While the other diabetic kids were scarfing sugary foods seemingly constantly.  The School Nurse finally advised the Comandant and School President to implement a demerit system for diabetics who failed their every AM Urine tests (This was pre self blood testing) would have to walk tours in full pack, carrying a rifle, and under supervision of a Sr. Cadet during what would have otherwise been their free time.  I never walked an hour. Ever. For any reason.  Sadly, more than one of my fellow diabetic Cadets have died in the nearly 40 years since.  It is sad.

I just had my 40th Dx anniversary as a T-1 in Dec. I have zero of the usual health issues that so many long term diabetics have.  My dad made sure I understood how to manage my BG from day one and put together a tracking system for me to use as soon as I was released from the hospital when I was first Dx'd.

Idiot parents who actively facilitate their diabetic children killing themselves piss me off beyond anything else.  My SS's first HS GF was Dx'd as a T-1 before she turned 2yo.  At 15, she couldn't feel her feet.  Her idiot mother let her binge on candy any time she wanted.  The idiot mother used to argue with me all of the time about how all she needed to do when she ate candy was take more insulin.  I burried her in research and documentation, it did no good.  Her daughter recently married and she and her DH are hell bent on having babies.  That toxically diabetic young woman won't survive a pregnancy, or at least not for very long after, and any baby will be montrously large.

The mother was so hell bent on giving her daughter a "normal" childhood that she cost the young woman a decade or more of healthy life facilitating the kid scarfing candy, baked goods, and sugary drinks. Now her push for a grand kid is going to in all liklihood kill her daughter.

I hate stupid people.

My college BFF was Dx'd as a T-2 a number of years ago.  He would go in to see his PCP once a quarter for his blood glucose finger stick.  Like me he is an Engineer and I was able to get him engaged on getting more data than a quarterly single data point for managing his BG.  I gave him my go to book for managing diabetes, and advised that he get a blood glucose test meter. His wife who works in medical practice management got all pissed off at me and told him he could not get a BG meter except from a Doctor.  Not true.  He did pick up a meter and test strips and started testing 4X per day and utilizing his doctor as an employee to help in managing his disease. I also advised him to get an Endocrinologist rather than using his general practitioner  as his diabetes medical support.   I was on his DW's shit list for quite a while for calling her on her bullshit and providing him with accurate information, hooking him up with a test meter, and vectoring to a specialist for professional service rather than his marginally knowledgeable PCP.

Far too many people have a dangerous lack of knowldedge on this disease and nearly everyone has a relative, or friend, or someone who knows someone, who is diabetic and can eat whatever they want...... ugh.

 

 

LuluOnce's picture

I'm trying to imagine what it's like to be the SM in a relationship where the bio dad does everything you say. LOL. Obviously, there are some problems with that in your situation but on StepTalk, a husband who LISTENS to the thoughts and beliefs of his wife/kids' SM, and then actually follows through with actions that align with the SM's desires?? Is this even a real thing?! I've never seen it before. 

I don't know what to say about your real issue though. DH and BM have never agreed on any medical care, ever, and I regularly don't agree with either of them. So it's a bit of a sh**show in here for the same reasons. I guess I would ask...

How old are your kids? What do they want? Does your state interview the kids prior to a custody modification? In CA, the preferences of older children are often taken into consideration, though not guaranteed to have bearing on the outcome.