Question for any BPs about what you do when the other BP won't be around SP?
So here it is BioParents: Let's say your kid's/kids' other bioparent will not be ANYWHERE near your spouse, the stepparent.
So, it's little Johnny's birthday, or it's little Jane's dance recital, or whatever. Stepparent wants to go, but BioParent is going and it's going to be a BAD SCENE. Maybe embarrassing shouting, maybe, God forbid, violent confrontation. Maybe it's just that the other Bioparent won't come if stepparent is there.
However, little Johhny, or little Jane, want the other bioparent there, say at their party. Honestly they really don't care if stepparent is there or not, but stepparent sure cares.
Do you go to the event with the kids and leave the stepparent behind, or do you tell the other bioparent to grow up and that stepparent is going to be there whether they like it or not?
Do you let your kid be disappointed because the other bioparent isn't there or do you tell the stepparent to stay at home?
My feeling is that you take the stepparent and if the other bioparent doesn't want to go you simply tell the kid that the other bio chose not to go. you end up punishing the stepparent for the shitty behavior of the other bioparent if not.
I keep hearing "well it's not fair to SD for her daddy to not be there and if you go he won't go". Well I say tough shit. If he doesn't go HE has to be the one to explain that he's too petty to be in the same room with me and his kids don't mean that much to him. Instead he pressures her and makes her feel guilty and puts the onus on her and she feels like if she takes me we're cheating her kids out of their daddy, and I'm left sitting in the house.
What does everyone else think? I'm especially interested in the opinions of bioparents, and really the ones with guilty consciences... and what about the rest of you steps, how does your spouse handle it? Does this happen to you?
Thanks!
If my ex wouldn't participate
If my ex wouldn't participate in a party for our biological children because my DH thier SD was there then the ex would be the one to miss out on the fun. If the kids asked why their biological father wasn't there I'd tell them that he recieved an invitation and leave the explanation to him.
My ex refused to meet my DH even though we have two girls and obviously would be living under the same roof. For the longest I wouldn't take my then fiance to the drop of spot when we exchanged the kids for weekend visits. Finally after being married for a few months we ended up heading to the drop off location together... DH, Me and the Ex. The Ex was visibly upset but when all was said and done he got over it and the kids got to see who the imature one was.
Moral of the story... give 'em enough rope they'll do the deed and there won't be any associated guilt.
"you tell the other bioparent
"you tell the other bioparent to grow up and that stepparent is going to be there whether they like it or not?"
Just had a situation similar to this happen last weekend. BF is the soccer coach for SS14. End of year soccer party was planned at our house, same as last year. BM came last year, but this year there was a situation two days before soccer party where BM got pissed at me. So she told SS14 that she couldn't come to the soccer party "because of me" and he went and posted on facebook that he "hates his Dad's girlfiend...because of her my mom can't go to soccer party". A friend of ours alerted us to his post and BF called him and it was promptly removed. He then spoke to BM and told her there was no reason she couldn't come to party and that we can all behave like adults. I even went so far as to email her and let her know that in no shape form or fashion was she unwelcome at the soccer party and that we could all act like mature adults (said very nicely and politically correct) and I also let her know that we had discussed it with SS14 and he was very aware that she was more than welcome at the party. I let her know that she was only hurting the kids if she didn't come. Of course, she didn't and it's probably more because she was embarrassed because I had to take her aside at last years OUTDOOR soccer party and ask her not to take people on tours inside of OUR home (she used to live there.) Oh well, BF defended me, I did my part, SS14 knows she was welcome, and she made that call all on her own.