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Question about contact with HCBM

justrach123's picture

I have 2 SS's, one lives with DH and I and one lives with mom out of state. My DH recently blocked HCBM on his phone and now only communicates via email. She is high drama and calls and texts always end up getting nasty. My question is, is it unreasonable to only want to communicate with her via email? She is now stating that she has no way of contacting him in case of emergency. Both SS's are teenagers and have phones and she has my phone # as well as my mother in laws. We're trying to minimize the drama she causes. It's been great for us so far. Thanks.

Jcksjj's picture

No, not unreasonable. Sometimes it is court ordered to be only through an app such as Our Family Wizard. There will probably be a lot of people that tell you BS about needing to be friends with an ex for the kids, but it's not true imo. There are studies that show that the thing that causes the most distress for kids after divorce is witnessing ongoing conflict. Keeping communication limited in a high conflict situation helps prevent that. In a true emergency if she cant get ahold of him on her personal phone she would be able to from a hospital phone or through an emergency worker etc. Also, like you said she can contact you or MIL.

justmakingthebest's picture

Our GAL stated that all communication must be through text and email. 

I would say that he probably shouldn't have her blocked in case there is an emergency with the child that lives with her. I wouldn't answer her calls and text responses can be kept to a minimum. - Yes, no, thank you. As long as he refuses to engage with petty stuff... it shouldn't be too bad. 

However, if she is blocked and she can't call or text, what happens in a true emergency? SS is in a car accident and being airlifted to another city. If her only means of communication is email and this happens at 2 am, your DH won't see it for hours. 

I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but things like that do happen. 

Jcksjj's picture

Do hospitals and emergency workers not have phones? There would be other people around with cell phones or regular phones available. He only has her blocked, she would still have his number to be able to call from a different phone. I would block her at least to start with because most likely she knows how to get under his skin and goad him into responding in some manner.

justrach123's picture

You're exactly right. She has my number, my MIL's number our son that lives with us has a phone. The SK's are mid and late teenagers. Our phones both ping at night when we recieve an email.

tog redux's picture

Just in case she drags it into court, DH should send an email that says:

BM, in case of emergency, please call my mother at xxx-xxxx. She will get me a message.

(Don't you agree to be the emergency contact, she will abuse that).

shamds's picture

and have their phone number given to their partners ex’s... my skids and hubbys exwife do not have my number... if exwife called hubbys family asking for my number i would be furious with hubby and he’d have to tell off his family members... hubby would never give my number out and skids have never asked for my number

If they did ask i’d ask what for and if they said to be in contact i’d say no because i do not want their mum having access to contacting me... i’m happy with hubby being the only person contacting me

tankh21's picture

Your DH can ignore the phone calls and texts and put his phone on silent at night. I totally get what you are saying though OP. BM over here is high conflict as well. She will send my DH at 10 texts in a matter of 5 minutes and then if my DH doesn't respond to her then she will send about 20 more. It used to bother me a lot but after all you can't fix crazy! Now I just try to ignore it and let me DH deal with it. My DH ignores BM and the more he ignores her the more it pisses her off. You would figure that she would learn by now that being a t*** gets you nowhere. But BM is a sociopath so she doesn't get it. Everything is all about her! Any way, you can always block BM temporarily for the night so guys can have piece and quiet and then the next day unblock her. I wish I had more advice to give you. I totally know how you feel though it's tough to deal with a psycho.

justrach123's picture

So far, email is working. She has my number but would probably never contact me unless it was an emergency as she likes to pretend I don't exist...fine with me. She can call my SS, or my MIL. Our phones also ping when we get an email so it's not like she has to wait for us to check. This is all a result of her terrible behavior and refusal to respect any boundaries.

Thumper's picture

Absolutely reasonable to do what you have done.

We blocked emails because of the abuse. This was before cell phones were 'the thing'.  we keep our cells private!!

What do you think people did before email and cell phones????

Protect your privacy, OK?

IF there is an emergency just like years ago...the police can come to your house to inform. Gosh no one thinks  it is seldom that a true emergency occurs.  They think they MUST have 24/7 access.....thats crazy.

JMO

GoodLuck

 

 

 

justrach123's picture

You are so right. And she just want's to be able to have another form of control.

Thumper's picture

By the way...BM does not need your cell or social media, personal and private email that 'you' have OR your work telephone number or it's location either.

You CAN go ahead and change your number if you want to make sure she cant call you.

MIL is not required either to give number to BM, besides, all Granny time is done on DH's time, not bm's time. And if dh and his parents are in good standing Granny time should never be an issue. Paternal Granny time is not any of BM's business unless Granny is a drunk or crack head OR growing weed in her flowerbeds.

FYI my x and my family got along fine. They didnt have my x's contact info. No need for it.

Good Luck and keep your home life as private as possible ...guess what your given that freedom.

 

But maybe Granny see's things differently. It is up to MIL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

is an ecell.  MY cell is my private property. mergency and you cant reach DH--leave a voice mail on his

 

Rags's picture

She can contact DH. She may not like the method that contact can take but she can contact him any time.

Let her stew.  DH needs to stick to his guns on the e-mail only contact methodology with his toxic former breeding partner.  His children can contact him directely and can contact them.

Let BM rot on the vine.  She is reaping what she has sown.

Notup4it's picture

See I don’t understand this “emergency” excuse some HCBMs give.  If there is an ACTUAL emergency the hospital could call from their phone!!!! Also, she could let you know there was one and that she needed to be contacted.  What type of emergency is it exactly that she needs to call him like that? In the case of a true emergency you are focussed on calling 911, etc.... you are preoccupied and once it is out of that stage there is no issue with calling from the hospital phone.  Also if the kid has a phone he/she can call.

it is 100% an excuse to just have access to abuse.  We have had just a couple of true emergency situations and both times I have actually contacted SM instead because I know she is better at checking her phone. No big deal.