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This quarantine is taking a toll on me

Momma788's picture

The longer I'm in the this the more I realize I don't want to be a stepmom. To make a long story short I do feel a big reason I feel this is way is because of the issues I have with my husband and the issues I have with BM. More issues with my husband obviously. We have 2 children together and they are a handful one of my children has special needs and I'm tired and overwhelmed. I can't handle anymore children and that's the honest truth. I know some of you might say I knew what I was getting into and I'm an adult and I knew he had a kid when I married him but I'm running out of steam. It's hell when step kid comes over. There's more work, dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning. I put my kids to bed and hide in my room because I'm just tired. My relationship with my husband is horrible to say the least for many years I worked really hard to make him happy and took care of his kid when BM wanted to play games and drink with her friends 4 days a week. After many years of crap from BM, disrespect from SD and no respect from my husband I want nothing to do with it. I'm seriously exhausted and I'm wondering if any of you feel similar. Anyone so tired you just don't want to deal with it anymore? Just need some help here. 

EveryoneLies's picture

Some people will say you know the deal when you married the man, but many will disagree to that statement (and that's why I like steptalk).

the truth is, nope, we don't fking know when we married the man.

you are entitled to your feelings and your husband's respect. I don't see anything wrong not wanting to take care of his kid when he doesn't even do it. 
 

SIP definitely doesn't help. We used to get 2 months (combined) a year break when SS is at his mom's. Now we are stuck with his high pitch voice and pre teen attitude 24/7.

i think exhaustion is the only logical result of this kind of life.

Dogmom1321's picture

I absolutely understand. I also hate the "you knew what you were getting into" When I was "getting into" our relationship, DH at the time had full custody. It was TOTALLY different. He barely ever heard from BM and SD only saw her in the summer. Barely any drama. Fast forward 5 years and now we have 50/50. SD10 is a nightmare. She is disrespectful and just flat out rude. Even DH agrees her bad attitude is no fun to be around. He never gives consequences though and I 100% disagree with it and let it be known to him. 

I avoid interactions as much as possible. It's not like how it used to be, but I accept that. I no longer nag about brushing teeth. DH can deal with dental insurance and bills. I no longer nag about screen time. I cannot be the sole adult that is concerned about grades and brain development. If BM and DH don't really care, why should I? I have removed myself from the burden of always "taking care" of her. My husband is her dad, and he needs to do just that. Be a dad. It is his job, not mine. I refuse to be the sole parent that takes on ALL the responsibility for seeing that she succeeds. It probably sounds like between her 2 parents, she is being set up for failure. But that is on her bio parents. 

He is very aware that I don't agree with things and would definitely do them differently. For example, chores, allowance, bed time, etc. Just having consequences in GENERAL. I let DH know I don't agree, and leave it at that. The only thing I ask of SD is for her to keep the common areas clean (kitchen, den, etc.) If her room is a pig stye so be it. Not my room. Not doing laundry? Sorry, not my dirty clothes to put away. 

Focus on YOUR kids and being a responsible parent. Don't put more on your plate that you need to. If DH isn't understanding and just adding stress/more responsibilites to your list, I would reconsider the relationship. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I wrote a longer message. I have deleted it. 

You are very tired and need a rest and need to plan various points in the week where you can have an extra hour sleep here and there, or do something of your choice. 

Plan a) ask for what you specifically need that day, and maybe try and pinpoint a rough time bracket.  

If this falls on deaf ears plan Dirol I am only able to do X,y,z today

if more deaf ears plan c) just don’t do what you cannot do. 

I am hoping he’s not abusive in any way to you or this might not work and therefore not to be recommended in that situation. 

I have a special needs child so I have some understanding of some of the challenges, and it is extra tiring for you at the moment because kids aren’t in the normal routines of school/nursery etc. 

Take this day by day, week by week.  

I got up at 4.50am this morning and thought to myself, this is not forever. Things might change next week, or in a few weeks. I will keep doing this until this whole covid situation improves. 

please do not run yourself into the ground. It’s harder to get back up from. 

 

Sandybeaches's picture

Irregardless of the fact that you obviously knew he had children when you married him doesn't mean you knew what it really entailed to be a step-mother.  Even if you did, feelings change and people change. 

With that said, DH's kids have a mother, you shouldn't have to be playing mother to his kids when you are obviously already overwhelmed.  Where is DH? why isn't he taking a bigger role?  Times are different now with the quarantine and Covid.  People have a lot more to deal with and a lot more time together than before.  You feel how you feel and those feelings are valid no matter what anyone thinks.  

UpgradeWife's picture

If your husband is otherwise occupied then your stepkids have to be elsewhere. Set that in stone. 

shamds's picture

you just want to get rid of the skids!!”

reality is alot of us hear its tough because these aren’t your kids and we have no maternal biological bond to them so if they are disrespectful and abusive etc, you really don’t want to be around them... reality is even a 1/4 of the crap we deal with you never think could or would be possible

like seriously having skids this abusive and disrespectful m, threatening to harm any baby stepmum would have with their dad?? Telling stepmum to not have sex with their dad ??

thats just a few, there are skids killing animals, actively abusing half or step siblings and enjoying it... 

end of the day its the bio parent(s) responsibility to parent their kids well.

i am stuck overseas as my husband works in essential services overseas and I haven’t seen him in 3 months and at the rate we are going, it will be at least 1 year before we see one another as my country will not open for international flights. Its been rough and at times i wonder why i should still be married to my husband because I didn’t sign up to be a single mum. 

I have told him with all this stress, 2 youg kids aged 3 & 4.5, fulltime university studies, my patience for stepcrap is no more. Since hubby can’t parent his kids well, there is never gonna be a day i am told to stay in a home with skids (2 are adults), ss21 lives in our marital home and hubby will not kick him out. I will not be told or guilted into a family trip with skids and no skid will enter our home in my country because of their toxic negative crap and since they have reinforced how we aren’t family, they have no business entering my home and bringing toxing negativity into what should be a happy home.

covid has pushed alot of blended families and stepparents to re-evaluate their relationships and say “you know what?? I deserve better!!”

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Shamds is 100% percent right, you do deserve better, and a lot of people are re evaluating their relationships. 

shamds's picture

But suddenly people feel life is short and i deserve better!! What i have been told or expected to put up with (ie; abuse), is no more!!

my husband routinely gave up parenting ss21 and never would tell him, if you can’t treat people well in our home then you have no business being here. I had to tell my husband he had no right bringing me into this shitstorm and making me suck it up.

since covid hubby has had days where his asult son ignores him completely like doesn’t even acknowledge dad. Dad is just an ATM!! All those times hubby told me ss needed time to change and blah blah blah..... hubby has seen and felt first hand how awful it is and hubby is gonna struggle convincing me to go back to his country into our marital home with ss there. Hubby knows he will get a big eff u!!

ss claimed to daddy he is sorry and will apologize. The last time he did it he mumbled jibberish and smirked the whole time and said daddy told me to apologize. Hubby was on the receiving end of my wrath...

i’ve maintained my ground and boundaries with skids. My husband knows he has to move heaven and earth to make me wanna stay married to him anymore when i’m in my current situation and being made to tolerate crap skids and crap behaviour from them 

Momma788's picture

To me it's not SD personally it's my husband and it's her mother and just the fact that I'm tired and there's too much chaos. BM is always having a tragedy and always needs something. My husband blames me for everything that has gone on in our marriage. He's mentally abusive and he's a cheater. I don't want to do anything for him and I'm angry 24/7. I don't feel he deserves anything from me. SD in herself is not exactly the issue but I just don't have energy to do backflips anymore. I've tried to work things out with my husband telling him that if we're going to have a fresh start we should be doing things different but he won't change BM lives 15 away from us she's all over his social media and calls him for every little thing. I catch him every few months flirting with people on social media and I no longer trust him. I'm angry 24/7 and bitter. I did everything for this man and he repays by having doing inappropriate things, telling our autistic son he wishes he was never born, tells his ex wife things that are none of her business and allowing his parental guilt to take over his life. SD and BM are not our only problems but I would say they have contributed 30% of our issues. I need to get out and I know this he doesn't care about anybody but himself and I no longer want anything to do with his daughter because she's his kid not mine. Trust me over the years a lot of problems were caused by her and her mother but it's not our only problem. The issues go way deeper. 
He's been irresponsible during quarantine taking our kids places he shouldn't be taking them and my daughter keeps getting sick running fevers. Everytime this happens I have to take her to the covid office so we recently had a huge fight that I don't want her in public places and around a lot of people until this calms down. We can't live like this forever but this is not time to be going all over the place then telling me I'm crazy because I don't want my kids around people 

strugglingSM's picture

Early on, I tried to be helpful and do some parenting things when SSs were around, but it became clear early on that I was just viewed as the entertainment director, the cook, the maid, and that we were not and would never be a family. After that, I made it clear to DH that it was his responsibility to manage his kids when they were with us. He was in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning when they were here. If they complain, I tell them to go to their father.

I've been lucky that DH refused to take on more time for BM during school closure, but I made it clear to DH that I was not okay with his kids coming to our home and causing more drama. BM is the custodial parent and even when they are with us, they are in constant contact with her and always telling us what she says we should be doing that. If they were here more often, making a mess and playing loud video games all day while DH was also off doing his own thing, then I would feel just as exhausted as you and probably be looking for a break from DH and stepmotherhood.

I've also been lucky that for all visitation weekends except one, DH has taken SSs away to the family cabin and I have stayed home. Not having to deal with one SSs constant complaints and demands on behalf of BM has been extremely helpful.

If you can get away with your kids (I know that's difficult right now) or if DH can go away with his child, that will at least give you a break and maybe some time for you to think about what you want and need from your relationship.