You are here

With this qualify for parental alienation and if so how would you deal with it

Samanthastepmom12's picture

New here and just saw the post someone did on parental alienation and got me thinking. DH Shares joint legal custody with BM. SD is 12 almost 13. BM is very narcissistic and DOES not co-parent well. Wants to be the favorite parent, no rules and will fight with DH over every little. Now this is the the real issue but wanted to paint a picture for you. Here is the issue....Now SS12 have been Seeing a Psychiatrist for the last 6 years for a mood disorder. SD has a Explosive Personality, can be violent and has had trouble both at home and school. BM has been fighting DH all along the way regarding this. She Basically wants to pretend that SD is just a normal kid and Sweep all her behavioral and emotional problems unde the rug. Her reasoning is she doesn’t want SD labeled as a nut. Sorry bitch but SHE is a nut and Getting dangerous so she needs to be under the care of both a Social worker and psychiatrist. 

Now my best friend lives in BM Neighborhood and her Daughter is friends with SD. BM does not know this. My friend’s Daughter was over playing with SD and BM called SD into the kitchen. My friend’s Daughter overheard BM and SD going over Signals for SD’s next  therapy appointment. Meaning if DH brings up some issue at school with the therapist BM will scratch the right side of her head when they come out to give SD heads up the therapist will be asking her about it. BM and DH go in alone to talk to the therapist then they go out in the waiting room and SD goes in alone to talk to the therapist. She also heard BM tell SD “all your father does is complain about you at these appointments and I need to defend you”. BM will also tell SD how to answer certain questions the therapist asks. 

So my question is is the Parental alienation and how would you handle BM giving SD pre therapy prep talks and having secrect Gestures

Thisisnotus's picture

How would I handle it? I would not handle it. I would ignore it and make sure that it does not affect me or involve me....ever. I would not want DH to tell me about it, either. To me, this would not even be a thought in my mind......other than maybe I may feel a little hopeful if I were you,  that the kid became totally PAS'd and spent less time at your house.....especially if she is a nut.



tog redux's picture

Oh yes, this is alienation. I'm sure BM here did some version of this with my SS who did end up alienated.

DH needs to let the therapist know. 

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with the above. This is alienation. DH should let the therapist know and request that he have a separate meeting with the therapist from BM. 

If the therapist is any good, they can already see the dynamics. However, DH should let the therapist know that he feels as if the information he shares is being compromised by BM and he would prefer to meet with the therapist alone. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's alienation, and your DH should inform the therapist beforehand that you have received this information. Then, ask the therapist how they wish to handle it.

Possible solutions: face BM away from the window. Have SD sit somewhere that she can't see SD. Before therapy starts, tell BM that the signals have been noticed. Or, test BM by bringing up school in the pre-session but then not discuss it with SD - throw her off her game. Ask BM to sit with therapist without DH, and DH distracts SD so she can't see BM. Schedule appointments with parents when SD won't be there. 

There are a lot of ways to try and combat this, but your DH needs to act sooner rather than later by contacting the therapist.

Maxwell09's picture

It is alienation. The best way to fix it is to have your DH see the therapist separately. He can discuss what y'all have learned without revealing to BM the source and it will prevent BM from giving the daughter a headsup about what the therapist will discuss with her. He should ask that the therapist see BM first, him second, (them together if necessary) and then daughter last. If he feels the therapist is drinking the BM koolaide then he could also just send a short email stating: "it has come to my attention that BM has been discussing our parental sessions with SD as well as influencing SD to edit her conversations in therapy based on what we talk about beforehand. I would like to see you separately or just with SD to work on our relationship since BM has been purposely alienating her from me all this time and there's been no progress with the way these sessions are going as of now to combat that behavior" Any true professional will try to work with him.