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Help Needed's picture

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my partner for 7yrs,he has a daughter now 11.
I met my partner when sd was just 3.
I just want everone to know my partner & ex were all ready broken up the ex was engaged to another man.
At first the sd & i got along well sd was always a big tuntrum thrower,however she was only 3 & going through a lot of changes.
When sd was 5&half her mum & stepdad moved to canberra,my partner let them go as he has always belived that if he's ex is happy then he's daugther will be.
I dont really agree.
However for the next 4 yrs life with sd was really very had it was clear to me me that sd thouhgt that if not for me her dad would of moved to canberra.
Please understand we did talk about this when they first moved but agreed that we did not wish to live in canberra,as the rest of our familes were in sydney & we live on the centeral Coast.
However for the last 12 to 18 mnths i have felt that sd & myself were really starting to bond.
Over the years i have gone to canberra much i have always felt that sd i not want to me but her father which is only right so i stayed away to give them quailty time together,however i did see sd very school holiday & if we went away on holidays sd always came.
However the last holidays sd was here for 8 days i thought we had a lovley time we went to the movies 3 times iceskating,tennis,and played board games, watched dvds.
Much to my shock i recived a very nasty phone call the from her mother the night she went home telling me that sd was at the end of her tether with because i treated her like a child (she is only 11)i would not let her watch show like medium & did not let go to the movies to knocked up,also the lies she told her mother were very upsetting,(I did think the mother should of kept in mind that children of this age do tend to play parents off each other)she said i made a penis shaped candle out of wax & her father & i laughed about this in front of her also that i talk about sex in front of her all time,that i said she was ulgy & i was ashamed to be seen with her and also that i would not buy her the latest Harry Potter book of which she was only $7 short of.
Then sd went on to say that i wont let her do anything to her room & its alful.
I love this child & as i can not have any of my own have gone out my way to spoil her & enjoy her company i just dont know how i bounce back from this attack?
My partner was very upset however dose not wish to carry this on just forget it he says!
Next weekend he wants me to go down to canberra with him for a nice vist.
I have dug deep this week & have forgiven sd as she is only a child & i belive in showing love,however i dont know how i am going to bring myself to speak to her mother when all i want to do is yell at her and let her know what i really think of her!
Any thoughts?
help Needed

Shameless's picture

Over the years my SD16 has told some real whoppers. At first I thought she was being honest with me about events in her life. Then about 8 months ago she told her BM some truely horrible things about me that were completely false. For instance, she told her that I didn't feed her anything but junk food. She told her mom that she only owned 2 pairs of jeans because I wouldn't spend any money on her. She said that we never wanted to spend any time with her and that we ignored her to play with our BS3.

After everything she said I had to go back and reevaluate what I had thought to be true, and what I now know was absolutely false.

I didn't handle it very well at first. I read some books, found Step Talk, had long talks with my husband. The conclusion I finally came to is SD needs to learn that there are consequences to her behavior. An important lesson that I hope she takes away from this is that lying about people that care about you causes them to not care about you anymore. I told my husband that I no longer want contact with her, and he has agreed. She's not welcome in our home, but my DH is free to visit her whenever he wants.

Since your SD is younger than mine, she's not really old enough for you to just walk away, but she does need to face the consequences of what she has done, or she'll end up like my SD...lying to stay out of trouble, playing the parents against each other, etc...