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Possibly moving to another country - skid visits?

shellpell's picture

Right now we are long distance with SS who is 12, with DH seeing him around 20-25% of the time (except it's been a lot less this year due to coronavirus). DH and I are considering moving back to his home country in Europe (but far from his skid-and-BM-favoring family) in about 4/5 years when skid is 16/17. Has anyone done long-distance visitations to another country? We are thinking that DH would fly back to visit yearly with SS and SS would come visit us once a year, with set visitation to end at 18. Do skids visit on their own long distance after 18?

Dogmom1321's picture

Good for you guys for following your own dreams and desires in life as a couple! It's refreshing to hear a couple that does not have their life revolve around their SK. I think traveling couldn potentially be hard for them... but you only see them rarely anyway, so it's not that much of a change. Teenagers and young adults are so consumed by their own lives, I doubt they would think twice about it. Don't let them be the deciding factor. Best of luck!

shellpell's picture

Thank you! We actually have two little ones and we think this could be a good move for them too. DH pays a good amount in child support every month, so I doubt he'll want to shell out more $$ for skid's airfare after he turns 18.

CLove's picture

With all this Covid, Ive been fantasizing extra hard about moving away from Toxic Troll and just going somewhere exotic.

We just bought our house, however, now I can fantasize about Toxic Troll moving somewhere to be with a dude.

shellpell's picture

Does anyone's DH still fund skids' airfare after they turn 18 when they live in a different state/province/country?

DianaGibson90oXM's picture

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Rags's picture

There isn't anything magical about a kid turning 18 other than they can vote.  In many families an 18yo is still a dependant.  Parents who can, should pay for their 18-22-ish y.o. kids to travel home and visit.  Our parents did until I was in my late 20s. 

Every family is different.  And... just because a parent remarries and has a second batch of spawn, or more, does not make their elder batch less their children. Unless that kid is a toxic POS and does not recognize their parents spouse and younger kids and refuses to engage witih them respectfully. 

Rags's picture

I grew up as a 3CK (Third Culture Kid).  There were several blended families in the community where I grew up in the Middle East.  Most of them were the CP household and the Skids would visit with the NCP during school intercession periods.  School was on a trimester system with a month between the 1st and 2nd trimesters, two weeks between the 2nd and 3rd and two months between the 3rd and the 1st of the next school year.  The few blended families that were the NCP household would have the Skid for part of winter break and part of summer break which usually included the family's repatriation leave over the summer.

Many of the blended families would continue to have the SKids visit after they were 18 and would pay the travel costs.  My parents paid my travel costs to visit them until I was 21 and then again from 26-30 when I was again a full time university student.  Including international travel home for the holidays and summer.  

We pay for my SS's travel costs to visit us upon occasion though usually the USAF pays for his travel and we fit in visits around his work and leave schedule.  SS is 27.  He launched at 18.  He has been in Europe for almost 3 years.  We spent last Thanks Giving with him in Austria.  We paid for all of his vacation expenses to join us and for the week we were together though he only had to drive for about 8 hours to get to the resort we were staying at.

He insists that the SpermClan pay his travel costs when they want him to visit them though he will pay those costs upon occasion if he is close enough that the costs are not extensive.  He makes no request of us to pay for his travel.  We offer anyway. He argues, we just transfer money to his account and that is the end of it.

I struggle with blended family situations where one SO seems to want to purge the other SO's prior relationship spawn wholesale.  It is a delicate balance IMHO.  If the StepSpawn are toxic, I am all for purging. If they are fairly reasonable then I think that they should have a place in the lives of their parent and the blended family. Even as adults. Particularly when their parent has younger children in their subsequent marriage.  IF... the visiting adult Skid is reasonable and respectful of their parent's spouse.

We all left for boarding school at 15  because school for Expat kids only went through 9th grade at that time.  From 10th through University we all would return home during summer and winter break.  Spring break was not really long enough to make the trip worthwhile.

shellpell's picture

Child support and other expenses for skid are very high, more than the living expenses for both of our younger children combined, which is why I do not want to pay anymore travel expenses for skid as an adult. Out of curiosity, why do you think that if parents have kids in their subsequent marriage that it's even more important for a place for skid in the family?

Rags's picture

I am about as firmly pro SParent and pro blended family marriage as one can get.  However, parents have the duty to live up to the top responsibility in any marriage, the children.  Whether they are shared with the spouse or they are one or the other partners prior relastionship spawn.

No child ever takes priority over the marriage and the partners except in the case of abuse, etc...

Skids need to have a level of confidence that they have a place in the life of their parents.  Particularly a place in the life of their NCP.  Put yourself in a Skid's place.  How would you want to be treated when you visit your NCP? Or, consider that if you and DH divorce how would you want your children treated when they are with their dad? Do you want them shunned, marginalized, and made to feel that they don't belong?

All dependent on the Skid be a reasonably behaved participant in the blended family of course.  They have to treat their remarried parent's new family with respect just as that family should treat the Skid with respect.  If they earn it with reasonable behavior.

CODs often have confidence issues regarding the love of their absent parent.  Since most live primarily with one parent.  Though my SS had a very good home and family life with his mom and I, he struggled for years with not even being an afterthought for his idiot BioDad as the Spermidiot went about breeding with a never ending train of transient partners.  I really could not have cared less about the Spermidiot or the SpermClan other than the pain they caused my Skid.  He would come home from SpermLand visitation with a number of painful experiences and issues to work through over his dad not giving a shit about him.  

I hope this answer addresses your question.

*Note: Dependent on the Skid not being an ill behaved, manipulative, intollerable PITA of course.

shellpell's picture

Yes the top responsibility as minors. But we don't want to be shelling out thousands in airfare every year on skid when he can work and pay for it himself. We still will have two young children together that will require expenses. Your situation seems a lot easier and less complicated as you only had one skid, no bios. I don't look at not wanting to pay for airfare for an adult as purging skid wholesale.

And it's not as if skid is a pleasure to be around - he is sullen, spoiled and borderline rude. Hardly qualifies I want influencing my little ones.

Rags's picture

My SS will not pay to visit his SpermClan.   If they want him to visit, they pay for the ticket.  Our home is his home of record, or more accurately, my parents home is as we were overseas for much if his approaching 10yrs in the USAF.  
 

He routes through our city any time he has leave. If we vacation with him, we pay.

 

Why would any young adult pay out of their own pocket to visit their parents?  Particular when it is a notable cost to travel internationally.  An older adult child.... absolutely but not one in their late teens or early 20s.

Livingoutloud's picture

Wouldn't he be in college or trade school at 18? Do you really think he will be able to pay for the international ticket the minute he turns 18? Does dad not want him to visit when he turns 18? 

shellpell's picture

DH was out on his own at 18, the CS drain has affected (and will do so for another six years), retirement savings and we are looking forward to cutting expenses when we can. Because I have family in Ss town, DH will likely just see him when we take our two kids back on yearly or other-yearly visits.

With the way things are going with DH and SSs relationship, I don't see buying tickets for SS after 18 as a priority. So it's not just about if SS can afford it (though BM and her parents are very comfortable and will make sure SS doesn't really have to work hard for anything in his life).

Winterglow's picture

How does your DH feel about the prospect of only seeing his son every other year? 

Given that it's you who'll have moved away, I don't see how you can expect BM to foot the bill for SS to visit... 

shellpell's picture

Not expecting BM to foot the bill, just saying that SS won't have to worry about paying for school or living expenses after 18 like some kids. So if he got a job, he could use some of the $ to visit DH, if he wanted to. DH and SS don't have a close relationship and it appears that BM is starting to PAS him due to cancelling spring break and summer trips and Ss acting like a little sh*t when dh went out to see him just recently. We are already long distance.

Livingoutloud's picture

What does DH think about not helping with a plane ticket? Are you saying DH pays CS out of retirement savings? It makes no sense for him to do that 

Did you DH not attend college? Does he have a career? Does he not want his son to have education and just wants him to be on his own at 18? Most parents want their kids to do better. Are you planning on your bio kids to be on their own at 18? 

 

shellpell's picture

What does DH think about not helping with a plane ticket?

He doesn't mind helping a bit towards a plane ticket, but not covering all of it.

Are you saying DH pays CS out of retirement savings? It makes no sense for him to do that 

No, I meant that he has not been able to sock away as much as he should have been due to CS, and would like increase the amount he contributes to retirement.

Did you DH not attend college? Does he have a career?

Yes and yes.

Does he not want his son to have education and just wants him to be on his own at 18?

He knows that BM and her parents will pay for college as they are well off and he is the only child/grandchild on BM's side. He will not be on his own with no money or education. BM does exist.

Most parents want their kids to do better. Are you planning on your bio kids to be on their own at 18? 

I have my own money that I will be spending and I have my own expectations for them that include college and launching. You can't implement the same exact rules or expectations for two sets of kids when there are two non-common parents with their own opinions and preferences. Saying that DH needs to treat all of his kids equally is impossible given the differences inherent to stepfamilies, CS, different costs for different things, and most importantly different mothers. Because DH has spent and will have spent much more on SS during his childhood up until 18 than he ever has or will on our two for the same time period, he is hesitant to keep spending more on him after 18. Especially since the amount of CS he's been paying since SS was 3 lends itself to saving a big chunk for college or other expenses other than what CS is supposed to cover. And especially since it seems like PASing is starting.

It's not as if DH is throwing SS out to be homeless and penniless. He lives mainly with BM who will let him live with her for as long as he wants or will pay his rent if needed. 

Winterglow's picture

If he's paying so much cs that he's struggling, maybe it's time he asked for a revision? 

Livingoutloud's picture

So the bottom line you think SS is BM's responsibility. His education including. Yes BM exists. And so does DH. She didn't make SS alone 

You are not happy DH pays CS but kids cost money regardless if one has them full time or part time. Of course DH can't save as much as if he didn't have kids. It's common sense. If he wants to save more money, he shouldn't have kids then.  

if DH struggles financially, perhaps he needs better paid job or maybe it's time to revisit CS. How much does he pay a month?

 

Livingoutloud's picture

Yes I have an experience.

My DD lived wuth me but stayed with dad all summer, flew out when school was out and flew back the day before school started, so 2 and half months and then two weeks for Christmas. Then dad would fly here once a year. So she was with dad for 3 and a half month out of the year.
 

When she turned 18 she went to college very far from us both. Of course there was no formal visitations and my DD worked year round on location of her uni so she didn't go to sit in moms and dads houses during school breaks. but she'd visit for Christmas or some other time and we'd visit her.

Yes while she was in college we did help with the cost of tickets if she flew either to dad or me (whoever she went to)

When she graduated and got a professional job and subsequently got grad degree while working we obviously didn't pay her airfare. She permanently stayed on location of her uni. She is 32 and lives far from both me and ex but she visits us snd visits ex and we visit her etc she is equally  close to both me and ex 

I csn share more in PM if want to 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

My dad paid all my airfare until I was out of full time education and working at a professional job.  He did help me out a bit when I first started working because airfares were out of my budget and he lived on another continent.  He wanted to see me and I didn't earn enough money to get there on my own.

This didn't seem unreasonable to me.