Possible full custody - filing for divorce
I think I want to file for divorce.
There are so many issues contributing to my decision I could write a book.
So DH just found out he may get full custody of SS11 due to BM1 relocating out of state. The hearing wouldn't be until after the start of the school year, therefore he would likely have to stay here, at least until a hearing takes place and a judge makes a decision on whether he goes or stays.
It gets better, he's got a kid (SS5) from a second BM (BM2) that he filed for full custody of... This is the oneI have the biggest issue with, he filed shortly after we got married without telling me... Actually, he told me after the fact only because I asked after I found the filing on a public court info site. This is the kid I have zero relationship with, I don't hate him, but I don't like him. He's spoiled, manipulative, entitled, and annoying.
My issue is, I don't like the fact that he made the decisions to fight for full custody of these kids without considering if that would work for me... for US. I feel like I have no say in what happens in my own life. This is incredibly frustrating to me because we have a new baby together who is only a few weeks old. SS5's behavior has become increasingly more troublesome since the baby was born.
I am so torn, I love DH, and I want to grow old together. I want the opportunity to raise my baby with my husband in a marriage of which I am an equal partner in. I don't want my life dictated by someone else, for kids I didn't have a hand in creating.
The whole "you know what you were getting into" thing is so played out... No DH, I didn't know my own husband was going to make life altering decisions for us without my agreement.
What is his current custody
What is his current custody situation? Is he likely to win either of his custody suits? Is BM1 still going to move if she doesn't get to take SS11? Is BM2 fighting for SS5? Is there a reason your DH would feel the need for full custody (i.e., is BM2 a drug addict or abuser)? How does your H intend to care for these kids if he gets full custody? Does he have a plan, or is his plan for you to take care of them? Can he afford all these custody battles without you having to pick up any financial slack?
The answers to those questions have little to do with the main issue, which is the fact that your husband is not treating you like a partner who has a say in what happens in your home and your family, but that might be something you could address in counseling. However, I don't think I could get past this huge issue if he won his custody battles and your household suddenly included two full-time skids you didn't expect.
SS11 is 50/50 every other
SS11 is 50/50 every other week. BM is moving regardless, she's already sold her house and has a new place to live where she is going. It's a total toss up whether he'll win or not...
BM2 is fighting for SS5.
He definitely doesn't have a plan, I've asked him from the moment I found out and he said he's not going to make plans for something that may or may not happen. To me this translates into me having to take care of them (even though I work full time).
He can't afford this, but his parents are helping him out. That's another reason I want out asap, I don't want to end up responsible for the debts he is incurring. I've already made it very clear I will NOT be helping out with the costs associated with these cases. I will NOT pick up the slack for both BMs. Regardless, this will financially affect me anyway because it'll mean a complete change in the lifestyle I'm used to and have worked hard to attain since he won't be able to afford his part of trips and such that we love taking. Maybe I'm too mean, but I just refuse to pick up the slack when he chooses to bring all this onto himself.
I am in counseling now, but only for myself. I am at the point that I don't even want to go try counseling together anymore (we've done it before and we didn't go very long).
I am sorry you are faced with
I am sorry you are faced with this.
But what popped out first to me was this, so you are saying Your dh has a bottomless bank account? Custody cases especially when BM's already have full custody ARE an up hill battle. Usually taking 20k each and months IF not years to finalize.Add on top of that figure, GAL and custody evaluators which sadly are todays trend and worthless.
Now times that by #2 custody cases. Does he have that kind of money?
Does dh pay child support? Are you working your rear off to make UP that money he sends out to the mothers?
I would start stashing your pay checks. He may expect you to bank roll these lawyers too, even IF by proxy.
Bms typically loose custody because they are handcuffed in the back of a paddy wagon. Arrested for something that will stick in criminal court. Usually they are back at it again fighting to regain custody after a short stay in jail, many win that too.
Other than that,,,the court would have to find her keenly unfit to loose her golden ticket.
Are either moms unfit, drugs, drunks, ?? If not, well he would be better off requesting equal residential custody such as week on week off.
JMO
Again I am sorry. That is a lot on your plate. Welcome to Step talk..we are here for ya
Thank you!His pockets have
Thank you!
His pockets have holes and are empty, his parents have been helping pay.
He actually had the nerve to tell me I didn't have to help pay these legal bills, but I would have to help out more with the bills. I said absolutely not.
He has is good with the amount of support he pays to BM2 at the moment, however, I am almost certain he will NOT win custody and the only thing to come out of this is the support amount will definitely almost double. If he had just left well enough alone he would have avoided it. He can't do equal custody of SS5 because his mother lives about 2 hours away, so it would be impossible to do 50/50.
At the moment, DH is ecstatic because SS11 will probably have to stay with us after BM1 moves away. I felt like I got punched right in the gut. I know that once a kid starts school, a judge is unlikely to uproot them and let them move away. Therefore we'll likely be stuck with him.
I wonder though, what will happen with his custody cases if there is a pending/open divorce case... He'll definitely not be able to prove he has a stable home.
At the moment, DH is ecstatic
At the moment, DH is ecstatic because SS11 will probably have to stay with us after BM1 moves away.
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Did bm agree to ss11 living full time with dh?
Arent you married to dh? You mentioned open divorce cases? So he is your boyfriend?
Doing this with out asking you before he filed
Shows where you stand. You can not believe anything he saids. Bank your money. In your own bank account. Now with four people in the home you only pay 1/4 of the bills. Starting now. He's has his finance in order as in thanking care of his kids.
Time to start making your exit plan. You are not a team. If he gets his kids he going to do nothing. You did not sign up to be his babysitter
Making major life changing
Making major life changing decisions without my input would be a deal breaker for me too. Sounds like DH married you so he has a nanny when he gets custody.
Start making a plan to leave
Honestly if somebody went behind your back to make plans to uproot your entire life he's not someone you should trust at all. I get annoyed if mine agrees to even a single extra night without asking! This is so disrespectful.
When asked, I supported DH in
When asked, I supported DH in a custody fight- but I was asked. We worked through things like bedrooms, financial responsibility, parenting, ect. I can't imagine not being asked. This would could definitely be in deal breaker territory for me. I wanted to be respected in our marriage. I need to be valued.
Chances are your DH is going to get SS11. 50/50 and BM moving almost makes it by default. Filing for SS5 is probably a lost cause unless SS is living in a drug den and CPS is involved. He is really just wasting money, which would be "fine" if it was a joint decision.
If you decide to not leave him, make sure you get breaks from SS11. When my ex was on the opposite coast our schedule was 5-7 days after school is out for the summer to 5-7 days before it is back in session. Every spring break, every Thanksgiving, 1/2 of Christmas break. He was also allowed "open and liberal visitation" if he was in the local area. - The kids saw their dad a lot. Hopefully you will have something similar.