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Poll - Would you rather have full custody of step-kids or pay BM 50% of DH's salary?

livlaughlov's picture

Here is the situation: BM has sole custody of SD14 and SD12. She moved them far away, so I don't really have the typical step-mother issues of some of you on this forum. We do fly the kids out 2X/year, and have them for 4 to 6 weeks in the summer.

I must say, nice as SD's are, I cannot WAIT for the day they leave at the end of summer, as BF and I have 3 year old twin boys together, it is ALOT of work. It is VERY expensive to fly them out here, then pay BM Child support for the month (or more) they stay with us, while she takes a nice, child-free vacation (ARRGGHH!)

Now the BM is going even more crazy. She hasn't worked for 8 years, and all she does is "work on herself". No boyfriend, no job, no friends. She has started going to a New Age Church, and she takes SD's with her. At this church they do palm readings, psycic readings, chanting and astrology to determine their lives and future. It does NOT sound like a good environment for teens to be in, as it doesn't teach them that they have control over their lives (teaches them it is all up to "fate"). Anyway, we've discussed trying to get sole custody over this.

I am torn. I want what's best for the kids. and it would be really NICE to have hubby's whole income, not just 1/2 of it. But then we'd have 2 teen girls and 3 year old twin boys. Could be rough.

So a poll for step-moms out there;
If you could change it, would you be a step-mom full-time, or give away 1/2 DH's salary, and only be a part-time step-mom?

stepof 1nitemare's picture

lol... i would give 100% of his wages if i never had to see her... no way in hell am i taking on her kid full time... nope nope nope... no amount of money is worth that... we would be in divorce court really quick if that happened

Kb3Hooah's picture

BF has two children with BM being the primary physical, I have two children 24/7. Although dealing with 4 children in one house is very stressful at times, and I often find myself looking forward to the days where we have a quiet house, I also have to put myself in the shoes of my BF. He deals with my kids 24/7, and I only have to deal with his a little more than 1/2. If he decided to leave me because my kids lived with me all the time due to their Father not being involved....I have to say I would be hurt and offended.

So even though my first choice would be to pay CS for skids, if BF decided he wanted to try for full physical custody of the skids, I would respect that. He loves those children, just as I love mine.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

stepof 1nitemare's picture

That is the difference between us... the BF in that case cares and helps, my husband steps back and waits for me to deal with the drama and clean up the messes..he loves his daughter but he is very passive and takes no responsibility for her when she is at our house.. I have to deal with it all I have enough to deal with with my own 3 boys, one which is ours together... i have no desire or energy to take on his daughter full time...

Kb3Hooah's picture

Don't mean to change this post into something else, but Tiger have you tried delegating responsibilities. All the kids in the house have chores. Also, If I cook, BF will clean the kitchen, if BF cooks, I clean the kitchen. If I do the laundry, BF will help fold, then I will put up. Sit down, make a list of all the chores you are responsible for and delegate, delegate, delegate. Smile

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

stepof 1nitemare's picture

yep yep yep tried all that, i have alot more issues going on with this child though, if you read my post from earlier today titled ready to quiet, need help... you will understand a little more where i come from.. my older boys 11 and 6.. have chores and do them, my 9 month old is well a 9 month old, and God forbid his princess have to lift a finger, so i have no help/support when it copmes to her.

JustAnotherSM's picture

That's a tough one. If all things were equal I'd say it doesn't matter. But that's a big IF.

- BM were a good mom
- BM didn't PAS and poison her son with lies about DH
- BM provided discipline in her home
- BM taught her son responsibility
- BM worked with DH (and God forbid - me too) to parent their son together
- BM used CS money wisely

Then I would have no problem paying 50% for CS. But as they say: "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas”.

With my situation, I would rather have full custody b/c I know DH and I can provide the right balance of structure/discipline/love for SS.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Yes, I'd take my SDs in a heartbeat. I'd go so far as to keep paying the f'ing money if she'd just let us have them.

belleboudeuse's picture

Wow. Given those two options, I would choose option C: not being married to DH.

That sounds awful, doesn't it? And I even get along great with the kids. But I did not sign on to be a full time mom. And I did not get married with the understanding that BM should get 50% of DH's salary (although sometimes it feels like she does).

To be perfectly frank, we could not financially survive with only 1/2 of DH's salary. And I'm old and realistic enough to know that love is NOT enough. Extreme lack of money can change a perfectly happy couple into two total strangers. I saw it happen with my parents.

I know my limits. If DH had to give half his salary to BM, I would date him only, until all his financial obligations toward her were over.


You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Pantera's picture

My DH has sole custody of my ss. It costs more to have him live with us than when DH had to pay child support. We have more drama with ss and bm now that ss lives with us. I would say I would rather have DH pay child support. But...SS lives with us for a reason, so I would never suggest that SS go back to live with BM.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

soverysad's picture

Sadly, I have both. We have SD 75% of the time AND give the Wingnut 50% of his salary.... Sad

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Pantera's picture

BM has had SS maybe for a total of 11 overnights this year and pays nothing in child support. Thats fair (eyeroll). At least we aren't in your situation.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Constantly_guilty's picture

We have full time custody and we don't receive a single time in CS. When SD10 lived with her BM 66% of the time (we had 33%) we paid $1050 in CS. That's fair right?

startingover2010's picture

in all awful honesty, i would love if bf gave up his rights to sd11, this way we wont dealw ith her and he wont have to pay.

but back to reality.....if i really had a choice, i would do the 50/50 (bm has her 3 1/2 days, we do the other 3 1/2) cause then at least i know that we will have some sort of life.

AlexandraL's picture

I'd rather have primary custody or have EOW so we could have some control over how SD is raised or let it go...this 50/50 stuff is BS and is destroying our relationship. If there was primary custody we could curb some of the negative behavior, although I never did think of the fact that BM would be in our lives even more.

I just think in a 50/50 situation the child suffers and can play both sides...there's not any cohesive parenting unless the dad and mom are in consensus...but it seems like all the BMs are crazy so...

livlaughlov's picture

Hmmm. interesting responses. I'm trying to make myself feel better about all the $$$ we send the non-working, narcassistic, cult-member BM, by thinking it might just be better to be poor for the next decade, rather than having 2 teen SD's in our home full time. I really like our life with DH and just our boys. it is fun and peaceful, even if we drive 10 year old cars while BM just got a new one (on us!).

Most Evil's picture

I would have rather had full custody of SD18. She would be better off for it and I can't stand supporting BM-!

BM would not be able to blame her financial problems on us like she does, while she is a compulsive shopper and I believe, alcoholic. While SD almost flunked elementary school. ??? yes! and still struggles and makes Ds, Fs. Runs wild and has no respect. Sad
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

hehatesme's picture

As for me, I would love to get rid of my SS16- then my life may return to normal, I think that my husband would even be thrilled to have a break from all the drama and issues! The money hungry BM would probably take the bait too! Hmm maybe im on to something... wonder how childsupport works on a minor who drops out of high school... ? or flunks out in this cse..

hehatesme's picture

AMEN!! don't you wish you were magic and "poof" the problem child would just dissapear! If I had even a extra penny i would try bribing BM to take him away!!

Angel72's picture

I'ld rather not have either one of the choices provided. Would never take custody unless something veyr serious happened and even then would rather have grandparents take over for them. Why? cause bm is an insecure, selfcentered, spiteful human being who would be constantly calling the house everyday, 6 times a day and wanting ot know everythign that went on and most likely fight tooth and nail with my that stress...give her the money and never see her... but if my dh would give 50% of his dh doesn't give 50 %...thank God. BUt if i knew before i married a man paid 50% of his income to his ex that didn't work and didn't work together with the man to help raise the kids, i would never marry him...sorry.. It may sound cruel but reality is , most people want kids with the man they marry and if that person cannot provide, i highly doubt that many woman here would bother to marry the person. Love doesnt' pay the bills or raising a new family. Its tough to support two. I commend my dh and any others who have succeeded...but the system is not fair. It varies from state to state, province to province, and i from reading i realize some situation , you can raise a new family and others, its so hard, i'm surprised people have even tried.

AlexandraL's picture are dead on right. I don't think we expect our men to support us but shit, there's a problem when the man can't survive financially after a divorce, and you're right, if you want to have a child, you want to know your man has your back to some degree and not the other way around.

Love isn't enough. It's funny the one's who think that love is enough are the ones who can't contribute much because of their ex and kids and expect US to pick up all the slack! Quite frankly that type of scenario builds resentment. I'd rather struggle along on my own.

It is very very difficult to cope with an ex wife who doesn't work and sucks your man dry...I don't want to be a part of financing her laziness.

melis070179's picture

Well, we've had full custody before (in the very beginning of our relationship), and things were a lot rougher for us. I honestly think we are happier and function better as the family we are now. But there is NO way in hell I'd give her half of his salary. If I had to choose one, I'd take her kid! Even though when we had him, she didn't pay a dime in support. Go figure. So I chose neither, which is my current situation Smile

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Stepthroughit's picture

Your BM is a carbon copy of mine, right down to joining the weird church. We tried the option of SS living with us last year. SS was 8 and I had a 5 month old BS. I know it is hard to part with the salary but the grass is not greener. I was left with looking after SS, packing his lunch, taking him to school. picking him up etc etc. Your SDS are teenagers and they will be set in their ways of how they are with their Mum which is totally different to you. It will have a huge impact on their lives and may not actually be better for them in the long run. I know BM is slack but still she is still capable of looking after her girls, don't let her off so easy it is her responsibility. Don't put yourself though it you have 3 year old twins to look after. It would be so emotionally draining and not good for your twins.. I know it is good to try it out and do what is right by DH but you have your hands full.

I am definitely choosing to be a part time SM.

MarriedwithChild's picture

DIVORCE~That would be my choice. I never married DH with the understanding of being a full-time mom and or seeing him give 50% income.

I would file in a NY minute.
(sorry but true.)

I'd rather be a single mom...

ohnoyoudidnt's picture


I agree with Orange_Blossoms.

BM is going to get 50% and really there is not much we can do about it.

SS13 did live here fulltime before and we were at the divorce stage when he moved out.

Never a failure...Always a lesson

RustyHalo's picture

I would absolutely LOVE to have full custody of skids. But, sadly, I truly believe that if the BM did not get any money for skids, she wouldn't see them hardly at all. She looks at them as her meal ticket and is the sole reason she "duped" FH and quit taking her birth control pills when they were married. FH made it clear that he didn't want any more children. (He had a child die at birth with first wife who was killed by a drunk driver.) She married FH for the life insurance money he got from the death of his first wife and then had 2 children back-to-back and then left him for another man.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

hlao23's picture

I'd be a full-time stepmom in a heartbeat. I'm not dealing with teenagers though so it's a little different.

My DBS (Dear Bonus Son) is only 18-months-old and I've been in his life since his birth. We have him 60% of the time (still paying child-support but only until BM oldest son is in school full-time - next year). I would love, love, love to have him with us full-time. I am truly worried about the influence she will have on his life.

Amazed's picture

I'd rather have sd live with us full time. Between alimony and cs my DH already gives the lazy stupid wench TheFrizz WAY too much of his income...I don't think I could stand him giving her 50% of it.

Why should she get alimony??? Why should she get 50% of his hard earned money??? Just because she opened her legs and married well??? Bullshit.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Mamabearof3's picture

We'd not be able to survive if he paid that much. And us having custody would be good for our family I think. 

Mamabearof3's picture

You guys should go for custody. Have teen girls watch boys once a week for date nite. Then let hubby take the kids for an afternoon every weekend so you can have alone time. Ideally that's what I wish I had. Isn't always possible but try to keep alone time for you two and for yourself.