Please read, and please help me. DILEMMA!
I am so glad that I found this site, because I really need other like-minded parents to talk to. What I am going through right now is very distressing and I need people to talk to for support.
Just a little background info: I have one step-daughter. She is 6. She was taken away from her biological mother when she was 2, and put into foster care. (I have been with her biological father since she was 1 1/2. My husband, her bio-dad, eventually won primary residence of her when she was 4 years old. I fell for this little girl so hard, I mean, head over heals in love and would do anything an everything for her. My husband admired my instinct to nurture her.
When we were awarded custody of her, her foster mother warned us of unsettling sexual behaviors (Please don't make me explain them) that most likely stemmed from exposure to unimaginable things at her moms house or earlier foster home (she had 2 foster homes through the process). This was confirmed by the state.
Naturally, when hearing something like that, we denied such things but did however, take the needed precautions that the state suggested.
I myself, have 1 bio son. Currently 2 1/2 years old.
We have struggled with my SD in terms of masturbation, trying to keep it safe (so shes not using objects that could injure her) and constantly reminding her to do it in private if she is to do it at all. These were directions from DHHS on how to cope with this kind of behavior. Apparently stopping her, or scolding her for it would make matters worse so we do the best we can.
Her bio-mom downright refuses to hear about any of it and deny's that her daughter would have such a problem.
Anyways, the relationship between my SD and I has drifted. Not because of any of the mentioned behaviors but more because she has began acting differently for me. Tantrums, acting out, and doing things on purpose to receive negative attention. She has NEVER been like this and her counselor is even having a hard time putting his finger on it. Usually children who act that way aren't receiving enough positive stimulation and attention at home, which is the furthest away from the reality here at home. My husband and I put a lot of effort into keeping things equal and provide activities geared to each of the children's age and developmental stages.
A couple months ago whilst watching a movie with my children, I turned my head and witnessed my SD preforming an unspeakable sexual act on my son. I acted accordingly, besides giving her a good whoop on the ass. She is 6. Whether she is disturbed or not, she is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. And to do it in front of me is another thing all together. Since then, I have been keeping them as separated as I can and my feelings for my SD have drifted so far that I am almost completely detached from her.
Coupled with her bad behavior, my lack of trust makes it unbearable to be around her. She goes to see her bio mom on the weekends and that is the only time that I feel like I can breathe, relax, and enjoy time with my husband.
I find myself sending her to her room frequently. I am tired of arguing with her, which is what always happens when I try to talk something out with her. She refuses to hear me, no matter how kindly or understanding I put things.
I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband so much and our relationship is abundant and healthy. Not something I want to throw away only because I can't stand his daughter. I've given up hope. I dread the idea of her as a teenager and dealing with her then.
Can anyone offer any consolence? Any advice? I have no idea what else to do at this point and a solution looks dim.
Thank you everyone for the support.
-Court
Why didn't your husband get
Why didn't your husband get her when she was taken away from biomom? Biodad should have gotten her before any foster family. I feel terrible for this little girl.
wow. you are in an incredibly
wow. you are in an incredibly rough situation. i am so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to your family.
i would definitely step up the therapy sessions. you made the right decision for your son. they should always be supervised when they are togther.
i think the other thing that HAS TO HAPPEN is putting a stop to BM's visits. in all likelihood, these visits are only making the situation worse.
also, give yourself some space and some understanding. you're in a rough situation. any parent would respond emotionally the same way you have. don't put too much pressure on yourself to be super-mom and love everyone every minute no matter what. just focus on doing the best thing you can for SD and forgive yourself for your feelings toward her at the moment. it's not your fault. you are doing the best you can in impossible circumstances.
i'd also consider counseling for yourself and maybe DH. this is a tough situation and it will put alot of strain on both of you psychologically no matter what. you need a place to vent, and a place where people respond to your negative feelings with understanding.
There truly needs to be
There truly needs to be counesling involved for all to appropriately deal with this situation.
Okay so obviously I didn't
Okay so obviously I didn't point out enough.
We are in counseling, OBVIOUSLY! We wouldn't be dumb enough to let these type of situations happen without it. Her intense therapy is required by the state, and we are at the max. Have been for FOUR YEARS. Thank you very much. She is still seeing her Bio mom because the courts awarded her with joint custody. They figure if her bio mom is doing her duties as required by the state, that she deserves joint custody.
We have had residence of her for a little over a year now, have been attending frequent intense therapy sessions for 4 years. We have taken all of their advice and taken the necessary precautions.
I didn't post this for y'all to tell me to do what we are already doing.
We are all in therapy, There is no "just cause" to stop BM visits, and are doing what we can.
Next time I wont even bother venting. Jesus.
We are not professionals
We are not professionals here...only trying to help. I would be very concerned if you are still seeing this type of behavior after 4 years of therapy...as you are clearly. Perhaps a change in therapists is warranted or some other techniques by the professionals. I wish I had a magic answer. All I can say is that the therapy doesn't seem to be working so something needs to be changed in that department and I'd take drastic measure to assure she never has unsupervised access to your son.
Hugs.
I understand you're angry,
I understand you're angry, but try not to lash our on here if you want support. "Obviously", you are not in therapy unless you tell us. Many people don't do the right thing, but I'm glad you are.
My heart aches for this
My heart aches for this little girl; yes, these things are cry - scream for help!! I would continue the therapy obviously; pain like that is too hard to think about; being so young - she may be able to push these memories back; but dealing w/ them is the hardest part. I am sorry she did that to your son - hopefully it was only once.......I have a friend who's little girl was "touched" by her father and despite the courts and the pleas of the mother - she still has to go see him!! the father said it was BM making it up!!!! OMG - When I watch her - I see things that raise my eyebrow and wonder how courts could allow this!!
Surrounding her w/ love is the only thing I can think of; she probably feels very confused. Thoughts are w/ you..
**There are posters who just skim and post; they don't do it intentailly - I think they just want to answer to try to help you.
I may have asked something or said something you already pointed out - I only get 15 min breaks!! lmao
I wouldn't take offense to it
I really feel for you, I
I really feel for you, I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. The "unspeakable" act you witnessed her doing, if it's what I think it is, then she absolutely must be seeing this performed elsewhere. Is it possible for you to take BM to court again with accusations that something is going on there? Maybe shoot for supervised only visits with her BM? I'm not sure what else to tell you, it sounds as though you are doing everything possible. I do wish you the best of luck!
I am literally sitting here
I am literally sitting here cying for your family. This child is clearly scarred and I am so sorry. Extensive therapy and no contact with BM are the obvious solutions, but easier said than done. Protecting your son is your #1 priority, understandably. Please know that I will keep you all in my prayers.
I am sending my prayers to
I am sending my prayers to you. This child is still being exposed to horrible things somewhere. She might need some type of residetial placement so she is not a danger to other kids. This is just so sad.