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Please, Need help and support - SS, MIL and SIL terrible drama

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone, 

As you may know, i started to have trouble with step-parenting and SS9 and ILs since my pregnancy. 

You can see all the story on my old posts. 

 

We were supposed to keep SS9 for the entire holidays. 

MIL took him 4 days arguing we was sick and that she needed to « cure him » in order to protect our 5 months old baby. 

He went on tuesday, and was still sick. I took a doctor appointment for him , and the doctor required a COVID test before see him.

As the BM doesn’t want his son to be « nose » tested, i managed to obtain a salivary test (really rare here). 

He did the test yesterday. 

Then, yesterday evening, when DH asked him to brush his teeth, SS9 started to sulk. 

Then, he went to his room, but i felt that a drama was happening. 

We found SS9 under the bed with his phone. DH asked him to give the phone and SS9 started to cry. 

DH found that SS9 was writing to his mother and saying « dad is really mean, i feel bad and horrible, i’m not well here mom, he told me « things » ».

DH sent a message to BM saying that everything was lies, that SS9 seemed disturbed when MIL brought him home, and he suggested to bring him back to her until they find a solution. 

She agreed and said « ok, i think he lies to have attention »

DH asked to take and appointment for him with a psychologist. 

 

Then SS9 went to bed, and DH took his phone. He found out that SS9, MIL and SIL were texting via snapshat, and that they deleted a really long conversation. The only things that was written was « dad found the phone ». 

He was devastated and took a snapshot of the conversation to keep proof.

 

SIL saw the snapshot and wrote «  hi honey, you are not sleeping ? Everything is ok with dad ? Is he mean ? Do you feel bad? ». 

DH answered « hi, it’s (name), my son sleeps and is fine. I’m not ok with all the deleting conversation. Have a good night ». 

She went crazy and wrote horrible things such as « i’m doing whatever i want, i’m deleting what i want, and tomorrow we will have a talk »

DH answered « we haven’t talk for months, i have nothing to say, but i’m horrified you and mother talk with my son behind my back and deleting messages. He is 9 years old and really anxious with all these lies and drama, and it’s my job to watch what is he doing with his phone, as he’s just a child ! »

 

This morning, i brought SS9 to the doctor. We found out he had severe bronchitis. Do you realise MIL who had him 4 days never send him to the doctor??

Meanwhile, SIL, MIL and SLI boyfriend called DH many times in the morning, yelling at him he was a bad father and that i was evil and that all i wanted was to separate the family. 

SIL boyfriend threatened DH to physical violence and the drama ended with me blocking all the phone calls.

DH was devastated, as SS9 were really happy and in a good mood because he knew he will go to his mother. 

He saw his father devastated, but didn’t even notice it. 

 

We had to leave our house with SS9 and our baby to bring SS9 back to his mother. We have decided to spend 2 nights at my family (they live in the same town) to gets comfort and support. 

Tomorrow, we will go to police station to notice that MIL disturbs SS9 (caption of the deleted messages) and that she is careless (attestation from doctor that he has severe bronchitis + caption of screen time when SS9 is with her / about 10/12 hours a day).

We will also notice that SIL boyfriend threatened DH (message caption). 

This is not a « police complain » as in france, you can just go to the police to officially notice some facts. This won’t have any consequences on them, but will be useful in case of false accusation from them. 

 

I told DH i never want to be again with SS9 until his psycologicals problems are not solved. Even if it takes years, i don’t want him in my home anymore because i don’t want to be the next target. 

DH agreed to see his son in a public place with witness from now. 

 

Please, send me help and support cause i’m feeling miserable.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Just adding that from yesterday to now, my poor little baby cried all day long. I feel a miserable mother to inflict all that to my innocent baby. 
And even if i understand that SS9 is really disturbed, i don't want to go to jail if SS9 invents and horrible lie involving myself (bat treatment, physical abuse etc..) any time we ask him to brush his teeth

fightingforpeeace's picture

good people worry about how they treat others. 

that makes you a good person.

the situation caused you pain. it is okay to feel that pain. 

I was in an abusive relationship when my youngest was a baby. constant anxiety from me he felt. made him cry and be fearful and uncomfortable. so I adjusted. when I was anxious. baby sat on my lap on a pillow on his back. and we played and read books and he would calm down all curled up in his blanket. he still has that pillow and blanket. he is now 19. silver linings are the brightest against the back of dark stormy skies.

MaryBethC's picture

Your DH family is toxic and need to be cut off from yours and SS full stop. Smart of you to have SS visits outside the home. Protect yourself and baby.

shellpell's picture

This is shocking, DHs own family ganging up in him and trying to alienate his son from him. Do not allow MiL or SIL in your house again. DH should take his visitation outside the house like you asked. Block all of those people.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks for answer,

That exactly what happened, DH own family trying to alienate SS9. And for now, it's working. 
Thanks for support, many many thanks.

I really feel anxious about the situation. I know SS9 will suffer from not see his father at home anymore. But i can't have this dangerous and manipulative/manipuled child in my own house.

For this summer, we planned to go all of us at my parent house next to the sea. But with all what happened, they don't want him anymore because they don't what to be false accusated by SS9 and whatever he will invent.

I'm really exhaused by all these drama. 5 months supporting SS9 concerns. First time he has seen my baby, he gave him his cold and i spend 2 nightmare weeks with my sick newborn. First Christmas holidays with the baby ruinned because he refused to make a COVID test (my parents and grand parents are aged person). February holidays he lied to his mother about the fact that i let him alone at home. 
And now he accuses his father of bad treatments. 
I feel miserable, and trapped with this dysfonctionnal and dangerous boy. 
Step families are horrible

tog redux's picture

I'm confused - why can't DH stop visits with SIL and MIL instead of not seeing SS? They are the root of the problem. Seems like BM is not so bad, SS just needs to be kept away from DH's toxic family. If he is, lots of these issues will resolve quickly. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Definitively. However BM and MIL are best friend since my baby birth. DH said many times he doesn't want his son to see her. 
Yesterday he explained all the story (doctor, deleted messages etc..)
However, BM doesn't care and said "oh you don't have to analyse everything. I wont cut my son from his grand mother as he loves her very much". 
that's the point.

And i'm exhausted, sincerly exhausted. 
 

Just to figure MIL, when DH asked her yesterday "why are you making all these problems ? Don't you see that i'm happy for the first time of my life?" she answered "oh yes ! Yes i know you are happy, you work to save money, while i earn money to eat !!!" 
 

waou, i'm so so so dipressed 

tog redux's picture

Oh, I see. I didn't understand that part. That's awful. Sounds like BM Is using DH's family to alienate SS on her behalf. 
 

In that case, yes it makes sense to keep him out of your home. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, 

I only see that solution. And DH has cut links with all the ILs. 
But for a reason, i feel bad 

I know i have the chance DH has my back. 
But, is son is only 9. Sure if he realises that he can't come to his father home, he will start to manipulate his father too.

I'm worried about what the next years will reveal

AgedOut's picture

why is SS seeing them on Dad's time? if BM is so yippity skippity for SIL and MIL thren she ccan work it out for SS to see them on her time. Cut. Them. Out. cut them off, cut them loose. Remove them from your lives completely. Delete, block, ban. Remove their toxic growth from your lives. 

shellpell's picture

From what I understand, bm is also letting them see him on her time but letting mil take him instead of dh picking him up from bm when he's supposed to, and dh not wanting to make a fuss when as stays at mils a few of his days since mil will make a big stink in front of ss.

Caroline2b1211's picture

This time, it was because SS9 was sick (was an excuse). But often, it's because SS9 asks for it, and BM agrees. And lf DH say no or goes to take him direcly to BM (before he goes to MIL) they refuse to let him go. BM says "the step father will stop you!"

If DH goes to MIL to take his son, his mother will make a drama in front of SS. 

DH is really tired to fight

And of course, BM is always happy to send SS on her time (now, it's every week-end). Since my baby birth, she does whatever she can to send as often as possible SS to DH family.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Today, we went to BM to bring some clothes i didn't have the time to wach due to anticipate departure.

DH talked with BM to say again that he doesn't want his son to go to MIL. She said that she knows they use him to bother us, but she also said "who am i to separate my child from is grand mother and aunt". 

As you see, we can't do so much 

Winterglow's picture

All that can be done is to ensure he doesn't go there during your husband's time... even if he has to make a fuss. Isn't demanding that he see his son for his full time a good thing? In any case, it's time to stop pussyfooting and starting to stand up for himself or nothing will change. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Right, 

But not my problem anymore. As i said i don't want a liar child manipulated by ILs in my home when i'm here. 
I'm too tired

And too stressed to be false accused by this child. For now, he doesn't had the idea yet. Thanks god. But i don't want to take any risk. I have a baby to care about, and my baby doesn't need a mon in jail with false accusations. 
 

ILs hate me, SS makes problems. That's not the life i want to live. I deeply love my DH, and for now he support and understand my choice. But if one day he changes his mind and want to play the perfect family, i will leave. 
 

Winterglow's picture

Completely agree. Take care of your child and let your dh take care of his. OTOH, it might be time for him to make a stand. There's only so much a person can handle, right? 

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

The BM is forcing you DH into an impossible position.......yes,  it the SS is 9yrs old.  How do these toxic phsyco's think this can be instantly changed IF you were suddenly out of the picture? The SS is already pretty far gone. The IL's ARE evil, toxic and  disloyal (IMHO, the biggest sin) Also, I'll lay money that the BM will shut them out the minute that she hears you are it if the picture, the IL's will be the victims of the BM's ILPAS. Good luck, and don't worry to much about your DH, he's done right this far, sees his family and BM for what they are,and he chose to honor your needs.  I went through a very similar situation with the son I adopted. IL's had DH and DS with him until I entered the picture until I came around when he was two.  His mother abandoned him at 3 mos and disappeared. The IL's did everything they could the get rid of me and get the two "baby boys" (no kidding! That's what IL's called DH and DS!!!) home where they belonged! My husband cut the out, my son survived just fine. My DH passed away 3 years after the adoption was final......IL's went to cops and accused me of murdering him........he died in a 8 car pile up accident 120 miles from home, LOLOL.  Cops actually threw them out,lol!  I'll pray for you all...........looks like you will need it..best of luck.

Caroline2b1211's picture

I'm so so sorry for your loss. 
That's dramatic how hate and jealousy can damage other people. You must have endured very hopeless moments. 

I never though kid could be grand-parent alienated. Always think it was coming from parent only. 

I don't know how future will look like in that kind of configuration, but for now, i'm discouraged. 
 

Has you said, the only thing they want is me and my baby out of the picture. They hate us, disrespect him and want us far far away from DH so he can only focus on poor SS. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi all of you. First i would like to thank you for all the support you give me. This forum is my place of peace as in France, there is no such forum existing. 

I'm really really worried about the future. I'm wondering how my marriage can last with evil ILs ans SS disturbed and manipulative EVEN if i have DH support. 
 

I would like to know if there is some of you who succeed in dealing with such problem without separation ? Is there a chance in earth we can survive through that ? 
 

Thanks for all

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

My DGS is now 6 and his BM has not seen him in almost 3 years.  She has made an issue of phone calls, even though she misses many of them. He decided he did not want to take hee calls several months ago and feels very strongly about it. His SM and DS have tried to encourage him to at least try to have small conversations with her, but he resists.

Just recently he came to me and was very upset. He explained to me the reason he doesn't want to talk to his BM is because he knows about all her vacations, week end parties, etc because that's what she talks to him about when he does converse with her and is angry because she never comes to see him. He said "she doesn't love me......people who love you want to see you whenever they can. She never even tries". I spoke to my DS about what he said and it broke his heart, but none of us know how to address this with my DGS. No one has ever bad mouthed his BM or suggested she had anything but love for him.....how do we address this? Anyone else ever had this situation? Help?

Beenall3kindsofmom's picture

I meant to start a new subject and don't know how to erase.......so sorry!