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Playing Favorites??

Jena714's picture

Do you play favorites? Does your husband, ex husband, anybody? How do you deal with it?
DH favors SD so bad. He never hesitates to correct SS when he is acting badly. But SD acts/does/talks however she likes. She is rude to me. Tells SS he should die. Mocks the baby( I don't stand for that) He tells me not to scold them because they won't come over anymore, which I'm not even sure makes sense. All the step parents I know are also disciplinary when need be. But he is their father and I respect his wishes. Anyway, does this happen in your household? Just curious how prevelant it is.

askYOURdad's picture

I think it is almost impossible to actually keep things fair with your own child and step children. This is something that DH and I discussed a lot prior to blending our families and both just agreed that while we would put our family first and our marriage first, we were not delusional enough to think that we could always remain impartial.

So we decided on the "house rules" that we both would expect all kids in the home to abide by. If my kid or your kid is doing xyz whoever sees it can correct it or let the other parent know and correct it. When it comes to birthdays and Christmas we will always spend as close to the same amount as possible and have the same amount of items, we will do everything in our power to make sure things "appear" fair. So if skids are at their moms and I'm with bios at the store and they want a candy and I buy it, I will not buy one for skids. If skids are at home and I am at the store and bios want a candy, I will have them pick one out for skids as well.

What it all boils down to is communication and team work and being comfortable enough to call your SO out on something and fair enough to allow them to do the same to you. Luckily, DH and I both had similar childhoods and values and we try very hard not to spoil our kids or "Disney" parent.

Things are not ALWAYS fair, nor will they ever be, but on the surface, it looks that way, and DH and I are both comfortable discussing issues as they arise and respecting each other as individual parents along with the "team"

Jena714's picture

I understand what you are saying. It's not so much favoring bio vs step, more so the two step kids. I grew up with 7 siblings, so I know first hand that not everything is exactly fair. But the SKids are twins. They should be treated pretty equally. He always says SD is sensitive, and SS can handle the punishment, that's why he nevers disciplines her. That's wrong. If we all go to the store and he buys her lip gloss or candy, right in front of SS, he should get something too. When I mention it to him but usually I'm "picking on her" or "favoring SS". I don't know if I'll ever get him to stop.

askYOURdad's picture

I read your OP wrong as he was favoring SD to your bio not to his own child. Ugh! That changes my reply a little, sorry.

I'm kind of at a loss for advice because in my situation BM favors YSD to OSD and I have seen how hurt and unfair it can be, but I have no real solution other than to say that I go out of my way to make OSD feel special and to point it out to DH so that he is aware and doesn't favor YSD, but we both tend to be pretty fair with our own kids.

Rags's picture

Nope. Not in our home. I am an equity partner to my wife in our marriage and that makes me an equity parent to any children in our home regardless of biology.

If you feel discipline is in order then discipline. If your DH does not like it he can step up and get it done before you have to.

Jena714's picture

That's the problem. DH thinks scolding is being mean. If I tell them that if their dirty clothes are on their bedroom floor I'm not washing them I'm being mean. 13 year olds can put laundry in the laundry basket that is right outside their bedroom doors. I say that if they hide anymore candy/gum wrappers in the couch cushions there will be no more candy allowed. I'm being mean. Apparently they tell DH that I'm too strict and they don't feel comfortable. Those are literally the only two things I have ever said to them because I refuse to be the maid. Well actually I also say to not touch the baby when he's sleeping, which is a really hard one for them. But only those three things. Literally. And I'm the evil SM.

Jena714's picture

You so just hit the nail on the head. It was never ever ever like this until I got pregnant. Then there was a downhill avalanche like I've never seen. They had been distancing themselves from DH, but as soon as I announced the pregnancy all of a sudden they hated us and hated visiting and hated everything. I've been in kind of a pregnancy/new mommy fog and honestly I didn't really notice all of these changes that have happened in the last year or so. But I sure woke up from that fog and now I'm just sitting her muttering what the f*ck to myself. Now BM and the kids run our lives.
I did not stand for SD mocking the baby. Don't think I did. She got a stern lecture for that. It was very very clear that she would rue the day it ever happened again.
I do agree that DH needs counseling. He is very depressed now that they 'hate' us and that's why he's acting like such a fool. He's desperately trying to win them back. But now on top of not wanting to see us they think he's an ATM. It's all so f*cked.

I don't really understand why twins sounds baby-ish though? They shared the womb and were born at the same time, they are twins for life not just babies. We don't call them that very often in real life is maybe that what you mean.

One Step Back's picture

I've had the same problem with OH's mother. SS7 is a blue eyed little angel, apparently, who has money, time, affection, attention thrown at him. Our DD10months, gets none of that at all.

I have now stopped her being at our house. I won't have such a negative influence around my daughter and certainly not having her growing up believing she's inferior to a very naughty, nasty little boy...

abugandabean's picture

My FDH favors his children as well, he didn't even realize it until i pointed it out to him. He favors his other children vs. his youngest son. He felt badly and realized he was making a huge mistake and is taking measures to prevent it from happening. Luckily I don't have a lot of the issues everyone else has with DH being a Disney Dad and not disciplining. My FDH has no problem disciplining his kids, taking things away, not allowing them to come with us to places if they have done something wrong. He would never in a million years let one of them disrespect me or his sons disrespect any woman for that matter. We are also fortunate to have very open communication regarding our whole family my kids and his kids. If I am being a bad parent he calls me out on it and vice versa and while it doesn't always feel the greatest at the time we both learn from it.

Honestly I would maybe even create a log of "you did this for SD but not for SS." If SD is too sensitive to handle discipline she will NEVER make it in the real world. How is she going to handle it when a teacher yells at her or when her boss has something negative to say about her. That's all part of life. I like the quote "discipline your children now or a correctional facility will do it for you later."

IslandGal's picture

My SO USED to favour SD13 over SS11. He did this for the first 12 years of SD's life. He did this, because right from when she was a baby, she only ever wanter her Dad, NEVER her Mom. She would scream and cry non-stop throughout the day, and as soon as SO got home, BM would hand her over to him, and go about her business.

Then, when BM left, SD became the ultimate mini-wife. She and SO would order SS around like he was their Son. When I came along and realised this, after blogging on this site, I printed out some comments and showed it to SO. He realised that he was raising an emotionally stunted child with severe daddy issues. So, he started stepping up and began to treat her like his child. She did NOT like this, and put the blame solely on the fact that he was now with me.

He also stepped up and started bonding with his Son. When SD saw this, she accused SO of favouring SS over her. Her attitude became so bad that we couldn't seem to get through to her, no matter what.

She was adamant that SO had changed, she no longer recognised him and didn't want to see him. He explained to her that he was trying to treat them both fairly now and hoped that she would accept this. She then yelled at him that SHE was the one who ALWAYS took care of SO and SS and that he should be respecting HER and listening to HER. The whole "talk" just went to shit after that.

She hasn't been over to our place in 5 months, but SS comes over regularly. SS respects his Dad and loves coming to spend time with him and us.

SO knows that he was at fault in his treatment of SD. Problem now, is that BM supports SD 100% in her attitude. BM told SO at the beginning of our relationship, that he should NOT consider moving in with me (she moved in with her lover after a couple months of dating) and that he was being selfish if he considered me over their kids. She told him that it would be "in the best interests of the children", if he kept himself single and didn't get involved in a reltionship. Such hypocrisy!

But, guess that's what the end result of favouritsm will get you. SD now has a nasty entitled attitude and she constantly tries to manipulate SS into not coming over.