Planning for First Baby... What to Do with SD?
So DH and I are planning for a baby... This would be my first, his second. We have SD5 full-time.
Last night we started talking about what to do with SD5 when I go into labour. We talked about a few options.
The first being, of course, having a few sitters on hand that we can call up as soon as I go into labour. The second being having one of his siblings come stay with us. The third surprised me because he brought up sending SD5 to her moms a week before my due-date and keeping her there until about a week after.
I'm not sure what to think about this. Upon first hearing it, I was elated that HE brought it up instead of me! I was surprised he'd be willing to go for that, but he said he wants to make sure it's stress-free and nothing happens that would lead me to giving birth alone.
I said I really like the sounds of it because I also don't know what to expect when it comes to childbirth and wouldn't want to be stuck at the hospital for 2 or 3 days with SD at a sitters or something.
I'm not sure if this is a hurtful option for SD5 though. She's excited for a new sibling, and I don't want her to feel left out. I really do care about her and love her, but the idea of having my first baby without any SD stress is really tempting. I imagine we'd throw her a little "coming home/welcome to being a sibling" party when she came back.
What do you think? What did you do? I know a lot of people are going to say "would you send your own kid away?" and honestly, I can't answer that. The reason I'm tempted to send her to her moms for a bit is because I have no idea what to expect from childbirth/after delivery/coming home with a new born. Once I have my own child, than later on have another baby, I'll be much more prepared about what's to come so probably not.
The watermelon ordeal hahaha
The watermelon ordeal hahaha that's terrifying
But yeah that's what we're thinking. I'm really glad my husband is onboard right now because I genuinely really want the first week or so to be all about the baby without worrying that SD isn't getting enough attention. I know my husband would balance it well but I kind of want him all to myself/the baby right after
We'll throw her a little party when she comes back. A welcome home to your new sibling party! It's nice to hear people send their own biological kids away with the birth of a new baby too.
I worried it was coming from a selfish place but I think it's moreso I have no idea what to expect and don't want to worry about another child when I don't know what's to come with having a baby.
If he's okay with it, and you
If he's okay with it, and you guys talk to SD5 about it then I think it shouldn't be an issue. She would be glad to have more time with her mom, right? I think communicating about practical stuff and working through any negative emotions attached to it is a great way to start kids early on learning healthy coping skills. Of course, if mommy is cray cray, she COULD use this extra time to "show" SD how much she's being pushed to the side for the new baby and once that seed is planted, hoooo boy--that is one battle I don't know if it's worth for a week of peace after labor.
When we had our second (5 months ago), DD3 stayed with my parents for the day of labor (it was actually a c-section), and then DH picked her up the next night to take her home. Then something DID go wrong a week after I had the baby (had a clot develop) and I had to go back into the hospital for 4 days and DH took care of DD3 and DD0 while I was in the hospital. House looked like it went through armageddon when I was discharged and DH looked like he went through hell and back with a toddler and a brand spankin' newborn but everyone was alive (even if DD3 subsisted on hotdogs and macaroni for 4 days straight.)
I know it's very different with a step and especially your first. I was wondering if your SD could stay with DH's mom for a few days while DH helps you out in the hospital? I find for a whole week after discharge, it might be a bit much for a child whose stable family is with you and DH and not her mom. It's about how much you want to risk mommy dearest planting a terrible seed that may never go away and blossom into a monster you don't want or can't deal with.
Of course, you COULD just so happen to be "gracious enough" to allow SD3 some extra weeks with her mommy around the time of your due date and then oops! Had the baby while you were gone, imagine that, but we wished you were here but things just didn't work out that way because we already promised your mommy she could have you during that time.
Let DH decide..... but answer
Let DH decide..... but answer me this....
If SD was your first born and you are not in blended life.... would you still send her away with the second child's birth?....
Yes, I did it! Our mothers
Yes, I did it! Our mothers and grandmothers did it too. Why is this so taboo? My brother wasn't even allowed at the hospital when I was born for goodness sake. He's a fully functioning adult in most sense.
My mum never send us away and
My mum never send us away and we are 4.....
We did not go to the hospital, but we where there when she arrived from the hospital, Dad took over as mum as well for us.
I'm not sure if I would. If
I'm not sure if I would. If SD was my own, I'd know what to expect going into childbirth/the first week after delivering a baby. But she's not. So I have no idea what to expect and really don't want her feeling left out if I'm stuck in the hospital for 2 days with her father and she's with a sitter.
She'd be at home and waiting
She'd be at home and waiting for you to bring the baby home--if she's old enough to comprehend that, then it's totally good. You have to make sure she understands that a baby takes up a lot of time and even when she comes back, she's going to get less attention than before. This is a fact of life and something that all older siblings must learn, blended family or intact.
sunshinex - as a young kid,
sunshinex - as a young kid, our lives went on as normal....
Dad got us ready for school, dropped us off, went to hospital to visit mum and new baby.... then to work... lunch time he would pick us up, drop us at home, went back to work... after work - home fed us at home, made sure we bathed, then sitter arrived, Dad off to hospital to visit mum and new stinker...., we only saw him the next morning again, cause bed time was bed time... this he did for 3-4 days, then mum and baby would be at home one day returning from school...
Dad kept doing the majority off things for us, and believe me the last sibling almost cost my mum her life...
stop stressing Hon, there's nothing to giving birth.... absolutely nothing, bit of pain and discomfort, but compared to raising a kid for 18 years... and not killing them during teen years, giving birth is a walk in the park
I would have considered it if
I would have considered it if my parents lived closer but I'm someone who wanted my entire family (DH and DD3) around me for emotional security (I would have missed DD3 terribly) so I didn't. Some people would and that's totally fine--I think it depends on the child too. DD3 was relatively independent and could entertain herself and eat and drink by herself so it wasn't that hard with both of them, even after DH went back to work.
I think it's healthy to have some uninterrupted firsts for stepparents to minimize regret and resentment in the future. Just keep in mind that if you guys have a really good relationship with SD right now, if sending her to her mom's might develop into something you don't want. I'd rather keep the kid, get a sitter or have grandparents watch her than risk mom screwing with her head. I'm all about the long term consequences.
BM is pretty reasonable.
BM is pretty reasonable. She's an awful mother but she doesn't care about SD enough to put anything in her head. If anything she'll get her all excited for a new sibling. She's not one for PAS because she simply prefers me being SDs primary mother.
I love that! Honestly my
I love that!
Honestly my intention here isn't "I want alone time with my family" or anything. If I wanted alone time with my family, SD being here would be imperative because she IS my family. It's nothing against SD. I just want to make sure my husband is able to be there for me during delivery and if there are any complications. I also don't want SD bored with a sitter wondering when she's going to come home. I want her with someone she loves and wants to be around so she can be away for the stressful parts and join us when everything's a bit more calm
I love her. I don't want her feeling left out. I want her back as soon as things are more relaxed so she can join us, her family, and enjoy every moment of it.
Your DH is a pragmatic and
Your DH is a pragmatic and reasonable man, husband, father. I am glad to hear that there is one in the extended STalker universe.
When my brother was born (I was 6) I stayed with some neighbor friends for several days(~10-ish) while mom and dad did the hospital and bring the new baby home thing. I was excited about my baby bro and had no issues with how it all went down for me. A kid that takes issue with it gets told to suck it up and knock off any whining and crying about it. There will be no residual issues if the parents don't tolerate any crap from the 5yo.
As for the watermelon ordeal... I got nothing. My physiology gives me no parallel to what you ladies go through delivering little humans.
Congratulations on the new baby.
I think getting a light tap
I think getting a light tap to the 'nads every two minutes and then a long extended slap to them might be comparable.
I had a c-section and then morphine during the recovery (way overrated so I don't understand why people get hooked on it but did the job in taking away the pain) after, my OBGYN surgeon was the best in our area so he stitched me up in a way that minimized scar tissue (unlike my first c-section, I still had pain 3 years until my OB "fixed" it) and so I was pretty much up and running around with nothing, not even a twinge, two weeks after (after the clot issue was dealt with obviously.)
You are going to give me
You are going to give me nightmares with the every two minutes extended slap to the nads analogy.
Actually the only thing even remotely close was an appendectomy though that was a 3 small incision lathroscopic procedure. I out cold during the surgery but was fairly sore during recovery for about a week. The hell was the feeling of having an insane case of gas. The surgery is done on a tilting table so they put you at a steep head down angle to get your organs to shift, then they pump air or maybe nitrogen into your abdominal cavity so that they can move your organs around to get to your appendix, and when they are done they try to squeeze out the abdominal air/gas then they slap some tape on the incisions. Of course they can't get all of the gas they pumped in completely out of your abdominal cavity so you feel like you have a killer case of gas and then can't do anything about it. It takes several days for the gas to absorb so you have these insane gas cramps.
It sucked.
No, I am not whining. No doubt birth makes my appendectomy recovery pale by comparison.
Thanks for what you do ladies. All of humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.
I will never experience
I will never experience either. I never said I was tough.
He is a very pragmatic and
He is a very pragmatic and reasonable man
He brought it up because he knows if anything went wrong (the sitter bails and he has to stay home, SD cries and flips out when we have to go to the hospital, etc.), it's only natural for me to feel resentment. He actually brought up the fact that it's only fair considering BM didn't have to worry about him not being there for any reason, so why should I?
I really, really appreciate him lol and honestly, I'm the one raising SD. I give her everything she needs and more. I do love her a lot and I treat her as my own in every aspect, but for the birth of my first baby, I want to know that my husband will be there no matter what. I deserve that, considering I've been there for him and his child in every way for 3 years.
I do not have any children of
I do not have any children of my own, but my husband remembers living, not staying, at his grandma and grandpas while his brother was born. He went there 3 weeks before the due date, (because his birth was early, they thought his brother's might be too). Then there was a complication with his brother's birth (a surgery I think-mother or baby, I don't remember) and my husband stayed for over a month after the birth because of it. He remembers it as a really fun time that he got to spend with his grandparents. They took him to visit at the hospital to see his brother, but then he didn't see him again until he moved back home.
By the time kid #3 was born, my husband didn't move in with grandparents (he was 9 or 10), but his younger brother stayed for a few days away. The same pattern followed for #4 baby and #5, older kids were expected to stay home and help, 6 and under (not in school) sent away to grandparents.
All of the siblings remember the time away as fun and exciting, not that they were being left out.
Thank you! That is what I was
Thank you! That is what I was thinking. SD has been an only child for 5 years so the hustle and bustle of a newborn combined with all the attention they need might be a bit of a shock - a hurtful one - to her if she's there as soon as we get home. I think she'd much prefer coming back a week or so after once we've got a routine going and can easily incorporate her into it.
I don't know. I think my
I don't know. I think my husbands priority during his wife's delivery is his wife. Most people would have someone to babysit the older kids, but we don't. We live hours away from any close family. We're not "sending the one we already have" away because we don't want her there. We're sending her away because we don't have anyone here who would be willing to spend 3 or 4 days with her if complications arise. And my husband shouldn't leave my side because a sitter flakes or says they can't watch her any longer.
And if we're using that
And if we're using that point... "dads job is to be a dad to both his kids" isn't moms job to be a mom to her kid, too? She can do her part to make sure DH is able to fulfill all his responsibilities for a 2 week period. It's not like we're sending her away because we don't consider her family. Of course we do. It's just for her own safety while we make sure myself and the baby are cared for at that time.
I think part of my
I think part of my worry/stress comes from a previous miscarriage. I'm going into this pregnancy 2 months after a miscarriage at 8 weeks so I have all these worries that things won't go well and I don't want it to impact SD at all. When I started showing signs of miscarriage, I had to rush to the hospital and my husband had to bring her along because I really, really didn't want to go through anything alone if I was losing a baby and we had nowhere to drop her off. So she was there and in a bit of distress/confusion the whole time.
My last question here... How
My last question here... How would we explain this to his family? I don't want them getting defensive or thinking i'm sending her away because I don't consider her family. I know they'll be upset about our decision so I guess I should leave it up to my husband to talk to them? Tell them it's for her benefit in case there are complications or anything?
Oh, if we had someone close
Oh, if we had someone close by that would watch her during delivery and for a day afterwards, we would absolutely go that route. Unfortunately we don't live close to anyone other than friends (my friends) who would only be willing to do a day or two. They would probably feel uncomfortable if it went on for 4-5 days if complications arose.
BM is 5 hours away and that's the best choice we've got. We're also not likely to be able to get in the car and drive 5 hours shortly after me giving birth. If BM was willing to drive SD home, we'd take her a couple days after birth, but I doubt she is and I wouldn't ask that of her.
I know to some people, this
I know to some people, this seems like pushing SD out of the picture to spend time with my own family. But that's not the case. For those who aren't fully up-to-date on my situation, I am pretty much SD's mom. Her BM sees her once or twice a year, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't much care to be a parent. I'm the one who takes care of her, makes sure she has everything she needs financially and otherwise, and overall raises her.
I'm very careful not to treat her differently than I would my own and I've made an effort to minimize jealously after her new sibling comes. I've even gone as far as redecorating her room entirely to make it more "grown up and big girl" style so she doesn't get jealous when the baby gets a nursery. I am NOT one to treat the kids differently. As soon as I have the baby, I'll be starting a college fund for him/her AS WELL as SD. I will be the only parent in her life to contribute to her education thus far.
It seems awful, I know, but I genuinely just want her to be in a safe place where she's entertained while I give birth. If she's with one of my friends, they'd only be doing it for me. None of my friends really know SD because they all have kids of their own and are quite busy, so we don't see each other often. I don't want her with someone who barely knows her or only takes her because they care about me. I want her with someone who cares about her.
Would you be due in the
Would you be due in the summer? She will be in school full time.
Nope I will be due in the
Nope I will be due in the fall, but DH doesn't mind her missing a week of school. She's only in grade 1 so it's not like every day is detrimental to passing lol
I'm not far along at all lol
I'm not far along at all lol I haven't taken a test yet and can't for another 3-4 days but I'm quite sure I'm pregnant. I know.... I'm worrying WAY too soon.
Missing a week is okay. But
Missing a week is okay. But you mentioned two weeks and that imho is too much. Esp. In a two week span. I am sorry.
Oh for sure! i'm talking 5
Oh for sure! i'm talking 5 school days. We'd have her head out to her moms on a friday and come back on a sunday or something so it's only one week of actual school but almost 2 weeks.
It's nice to have this
It's nice to have this perspective. I guess I could get a friend to watch her for a couple of days. This gives me a better idea of what to expect. I definitely wouldn't want DH sitting there bored out of his mind lol.
I'm not going to get induced for my stepdaughters sake though. I've raised her as my own, but it's my turn to have my own and I want it to be natural, not induced to suit her schedule. I've done all sorts of things and compromised a ton over the past 3 years to suit her schedule
This is not something I'm going to compromise myself out of experiencing.
But i'll think about sticking with a sitter and weight our options.
I live in the Netherlands,
I live in the Netherlands, and what happens over here is this: Mom has baby, Dad is usually there the whole time. Usually a friend or family member comes over or takes any other children while baby is being born.
Then.... the maternity nurse comes every day for 8-10 days, for 4-6 hours.
*She helps with the baby (great for first-time moms, they do basic lactation consulting, help develop confidence that you won't break or drown the little screamer, that you won't die from their toxic fumes, etc etc).
*She does any laundry, changes the sheets, does any cooking, cleans the bedroom and bathroom, checks that mom is healing nicely from delivery, checks that baby is growing well, teaches parents how to check that the baby is doing well (temperature, weight, etc) for after she leaves.
*She kicks out any visitors or family members that don't let mom and baby rest.
*She was nice to chat with and treated me like a queen, which I loved!
I cannot tell you how great it was.
Your DH is conflicted, because he's SD's dad and the new baby's dad and your partner and so he'll be caught up in it all as well. So if I were back in Canada and having a second kid (which I will not be having, but that's not the point), I would find a cleaning lady/household helper/au pair to come for at least 2 weeks after baby is born. This person's job description would be do light chores, make me cups of tea, and to be the enforcer. SD and DH get escorted out between 1pm and 3pm for you to rest. She would get an easy supper on the table, or make something we could just heat up. She would do school pickup or dropoff as needed. Just generally pitch in. But I would not be beholden to her like I would to a friend or family member, and I would not have to listen to, "How I did it in my day... blah blah blah" either.
I realize that's just a dream. But maybe you can implement parts of it.
ETA: I've read some comments upstream and I guess some people had a much easier time of it than I did. I was 40 when I had DD, no complications other than my chronic pain and fatigue were made worse throughout the pregnancy, and delivery was very painful - and long, about 30 hours. I was very depressed during the last trimester of pregnancy (I didn't realize it at the time) as I was very afraid of being an abusive parent because of how my parents were. I didn't sleep more than an hour or two per night due to anxiety about DD dying of SIDS for about 5 weeks after she was born. Given my health limitations and the physical and emotional toll pregnancy and childbirth had on me, I'm so grateful that the healthcare system over here 'forced' me to have some time to start dealing with the recovery process.
I think they have about 30
I think they have about 30 weeks to plan everything out....
Yep of course. DH has SD full
Yep of course. DH has SD full time because BM simply didn't want to be a mom at the time. She had weekend visitation but when we wanted to move a few hours away, she pretty much said whatever go ahead. BM's mother is the one who pushed BM to fight for weekend visitation initially. There's nothing wrong with BM other than her lack of love lol. She's a safe person for SD to be around.
BM will likely say yes because BM's mother loves any chance to see SD. BM is also a decent person to a degree (other than abandoning her kid). She's always been flexible. She even offered to take SD a bit longer after my miscarriage.