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Pictures/captions of ex-wife still on Facebook?

Tessa LeAnn's picture

How does everyone feel about your partner still having having pictures of the ex-spouse (each with glowing/positive captions), first family fun, etc., stillon Facebook?

 

I have been with my bf for over two years and he still has literally dozens of pictures of her up, including a picture of him proposing to her, lots of wedding pictures, and what look to be attempts at “sexy” and “glamour” shots that he obviously took of her. Captions range from “Best, most perfect day EVER” (about a wedding pic), to “My wife is the sexiest woman alive,” “sexy new look for my wife,” (about a haircut), “Isn’t she the most beautiful woman in the world? And she’s mine,” “look at this awesome hotel room we get to stay in, courtesy of my lovely wife...wink wink ;)” - you get the idea.

After we had been together about a year and lived together, I kind of hinted that they made me insecure, especially since there were no pictures of he and I with similar flowery captions.   To be fair, he has posted pictures of us and written some nice things about me, but nothing in comparison to all the pictures of his wife.    He sort of blew it off, saying it was a huge undertaking - going to take a long time - because there were so many pictures to go through, but he would think about it, yada yada. I brought it up a few more times over the next year, but he has never removed them.  Last night this was a factor in a huge vicious fight that we had over him being fed up and at breaking point with my insecurity. I really lost it.   To add salt to the wound, when we first started dating, my profile picture was a picture of my ex and I. It was a total oversight, but when he brought it up, I immediately removed the picture. Plus any other pictures of myself and my ex that looked “romantic/couple-y.” 

 

Tiny bit of history: My bf and I dated before he and his wife did.  He dumped me, and very shortly after was with her, who he married in short order after that. So yes, I still suffer with feeling like a second choice already.  These pictures and captions really affect me. Does he not understand that, or not care? Or, worst of all, does he still cling to memories of that first family life? And want it out there publicly still? 

-Would this make anyone else insecure or resentful?  Am I within my right to ask that he remove those pictures?  If he won’t, which it sounds like for some reason he really doesn’t want/intended to, could this be a dealbreaker? 

Cbarton12's picture

Eh. I can see that this can make someone feel uncomfortable and insecure. DH doesn't have any pictures up anymore on FB but still has old statuses with glowing remarks. But at the end of the day he is choosing to be with you so I dont see it as a dealbreaker.

twoviewpoints's picture

Not really. He dumped OP years ago to be with his now ex and married the now ex straight away. He fault his divorce tooth and nail and then went and hooked back up with OP.

Here they are, two years after moving in together and his page is still filled with 'love' sh*t about his ex wife. 

If the guy isn't going to make a commitment and sincere attempt to be a couple with a promising future with OP and still insist on having fights over the 'love photos' along with blowing off OP's concerns and feelings and kind of get the feeling he'd dump OP in a heartbeat at one ounce of sign of encouragement from his ex. 

This is a man still 'mourning' his loss IMO. 

Love_and_Loathing's picture

I think it’s mere insecurity to feel that these pictures in some way have any affect on the relationship whatsoever. My love has photos of him and his ex up, and they were together for four years and had a child together. There are engagement and birth photos, among others. I don’t think erasing these photos is going to help the relationship. Many people use FB as their photo album. I have photos of my ex as I still up. Drop the insecurity and get over it. They’re pictures of a time of his existence. Don’t ask people to get rid of that. Its selfish. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

a deal breaker for you.  If it matters to you what is on his Facebook page then you have reason to be concerned.

If his actions do not leave you feeling loved and cared for you have reason to be concerned.

But do not !make your decision by polling a group of strangers Only you will have to live with whatever decision that you make

MrsStepMom's picture

Ya this wouldn’t fly with me and if I mentioned it to my husband they’d be gone in a second. I am really not insecure in relationships at all, and really really not with my husband yet this would still bug me. A pic or two wouldn’t but tons with all the captions. Ick. 

hereiam's picture

he has posted pictures of us and written some nice things about me, but nothing in comparison to all the pictures of his wife

Oh, well that was mighty nice of him.

Dump this loser, he's still in love with his ex-wife and you are his consolation prize.

 

sunshinex's picture

This seems a bit, uh, obsessive... To keep all of that. I will say, everytime I've gone through a breakup, I keep those things on FB to look at until I get over the person. Then it's time to delete/remove tags. My DH was over BM before they even split, so he removed all of those things pretty quickly. The only things he didn't remove were photos of SD as a baby that she posted and tagged him in, which I don't mind. 

I think you have every right to expect him to remove them. Relationships are all about give and take, as well as paying attention to your partner's feelings, even if you don't understand them or see the importance of them. As long as it's not controlling behaviour (ie. remove all the females from your FB!) then it's fair game. 

ndc's picture

Yeah, my DH has the first family pictures and the lovey-dovey captions (best wife ever, etc.) with pictures of BM on his FB.  Plenty of them. But I only saw them because I went stalking through his FB - it's all stuff that someone would only see if they went back several years through his history.  I'm not particularly bothered by it - it happened, all of his FB friends saw it at the time, and I doubt people are looking back to see those posts.  If I go back even further I can see posts about the girlfriends (and a fiancee) who preceded BM.  So I know he didn't remove any of those posts for BM.  I'm OK with the posts about BM and the first family remaining.  If I wasn't, and I asked him to remove them, I can make a really good guess as to what he would do.  He's much too lazy to do it himself, so he'd give me his FB password and tell me to go nuts deleting it all.  

I think there are two big differences in your situation, though.  First, my DH posts "best wife ever" and other effusive things about me these days.  I don't think BM got better "Facebook treatment" than I do.  And more important, he didn't know me back then.  I can tell myself that if he did, he'd have chosen me. I do think that makes a big difference.  If your BF knows that those FB posts and pictures bother you, and he knows you are insecure about them, he should do something about it.  Why would he not want you to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship?  If he doesn't want to delete because it's part of his history, and maybe he doesn't have the pictures elsewhere, could he hide those posts at least?  Anyway, to answer your last question, in the absence of other issues, I don't think this should be a deal breaker, although I do understand why you're unhappy about it and in your shoes, I would be too.  I suspect there are other issues.

SMto2's picture

No way would this be ok with me! I wouldn't even date someone who had those types of pics on his FB page. Thankfully, FB didn't exist back in the Stone Ages when my DH was married to BM. lol. (He and I have been married almost 20 years!) However, there's no way I'd be all right with that, especially after 2 years together. It's disrespectful to your relationship. And I can't understand why he would still want those up, especially knowing it bothers you. I'm sure if you had pics with your EX like that he would NOT be ok with it, which he already let you know. I would question not only his feelings for you but if he still has feelings for her. 

1wonder woman's picture

Oh hell no.... I'd tell my man those pictures of your ex-wife gotta go or I will go... EXCUSE ME... LET GO OF YOUR EX OR I WILL BE SAYING NEXT!  Now how is he to move forward with his NEXT love if he is still connected to his EX love? He can't!  Divorce means to separate... let her go... and that means photos of his ex wife and photos of them together too.. I feel he should of already removed these photos out of respect for you and your feelings... you two have been dating for two years now those photos should of been removed from his Facebook page long time ago.  So my question is this... does his ex-wife still have photos of him and her on her Facebook page too?  Is so... well then in my eyes these two are not divorced... sure maybe on paper but not in real life.  When I met my boyfriend he had only been divorced for two months and trust me he had no photos of his ex wife on his Facebook page nor did she. 

If I were you and this was my man well I would sit him down and I'd have heart to heart talk with him and I'd tell him seeing these photos of them together really makes me feel uncomfortable and truly bothers me and I'd appreciate if you would remove them from Facebook.  If he agrees that's great news for you but if he bucks up against you and he refuses to do so then he is still connected to his ex and he is not ready to disconnect.  

I remember I had to have a talk with my boyfriend he use to have a door key to his ex-wifes house that they use to live in together and he would go inside her house when he dropped their daughter off... it really bugged me and the once his ex asked him to help her move some furniture around... that's when I said ENOUGH you two are divorced give her the key back and tell your EX NO... no more you helping her with anything... you two are divorced now.... you are no longer her helper.... that husband role ended on divorce day ,,, tell her to find someone else to help her move furniture. Sure I could tell he did not want to give up that door key and he did not want to stop playing that husband role that he use to play.  But ya know what I won... he gave up that key and he told her no.  So my advice to you is this speak up the sooner the better for you... after all your happiness should be your boyfriends top priority and by the sounds of things you are not happy seeing those photos of them together on Facebook.  Heck it would bother me too... 

1wonder woman's picture

Oh hell no.... I'd tell my man those pictures of your ex-wife gotta go or I will go... EXCUSE ME... LET GO OF YOUR EX OR I WILL BE SAYING NEXT!  Now how is he to move forward with his NEXT love if he is still connected to his EX love? He can't!  Divorce means to separate... let her go... and that means photos of his ex wife and photos of them together too.. I feel he should of already removed these photos out of respect for you and your feelings... you two have been dating for two years now those photos should of been removed from his Facebook page long time ago.  So my question is this... does his ex-wife still have photos of him and her on her Facebook page too?  Is so... well then in my eyes these two are not divorced... sure maybe on paper but not in real life.  When I met my boyfriend he had only been divorced for two months and trust me he had no photos of his ex wife on his Facebook page nor did she. 

If I were you and this was my man well I would sit him down and I'd have heart to heart talk with him and I'd tell him seeing these photos of them together really makes me feel uncomfortable and truly bothers me and I'd appreciate if you would remove them from Facebook.  If he agrees that's great news for you but if he bucks up against you and he refuses to do so then he is still connected to his ex and he is not ready to disconnect.  

I remember I had to have a talk with my boyfriend he use to have a door key to his ex-wifes house that they use to live in together and he would go inside her house when he dropped their daughter off... it really bugged me and the once his ex asked him to help her move some furniture around... that's when I said ENOUGH you two are divorced give her the key back and tell your EX NO... no more you helping her with anything... you two are divorced now.... you are no longer her helper.... that husband role ended on divorce day ,,, tell her to find someone else to help her move furniture. Sure I could tell he did not want to give up that door key and he did not want to stop playing that husband role that he use to play.  But ya know what I won... he gave up that key and he told her no.  So my advice to you is this speak up the sooner the better for you... after all your happiness should be your boyfriends top priority and by the sounds of things you are not happy seeing those photos of them together on Facebook.  Heck it would bother me too... 

still learning's picture

I know people who had profiles like this. They wouldn't delete anything because they didn't want to delete their history like it never happened, then there are those that burn and delete everything related to an ex.  You made your request and he gave you an answer, "thinking about it" is a delayed no.  

From your previous posts it seems that you are the stand in for the life they used to have and if bf could have her back, he would in a heartbeat.  He's not going to morph into the perfect man who worships the ground you walk on. He is who he is with all his hang ups, a big one being the woman he loved and lost.  You can't change him but you do get to decide whether this situation is right for you.  

flmomma08's picture

I would have an issue with it too. It’s really not that time consuming to delete pictures lol he must not want to delete them. At the very least he could go in and make them private so others can’t see them, but I would want them deleted eventually. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I read your other post, and my thought on ALL of this is that, deep down, you're not over how he hurt you the first time. You're looking at these pictures not as him and an ex, but as everything that should have been you had he not met her.

He abruptly left you and damn near immediately married her. He was IN LOVE with her wholy and completely. He gave her what he didn't want or have to give to you. Basically, he was more into her than into you, and was willing to not only give her the firsts and life you wanted with him, but he gave it to her while breaking your heart.

Now, he's picking up where he left off 15 years ago. He still loves his ex, but you're okay enough. You were okay enough 15 years ago, and you would have been okay enough as a wife had he never met her. That's why you two reconnected. You were the closest he could find to his ex. He could just pick up where he left off because you never recovered from the first heartbreak and are desperate to prove that your love for one another is just as good as it was with his XW.

But it's not from him, and you know why? Because he is willing to leave you for her. He has already done it once. He'd likely do it again if given the chance. He's never going to close the chapter on his old life because he'll happily slip right back into it if given the chance. My guess is that it won't be you asking him to remove the pictures that will get it to happen. It will be his XW asking, or her getting remarried and closing down your SO's hopes for getting back together.

I know this all sounds very harsh, but he's going to treat you as well as he can because you're better than everyone BUT her to him. And that is what is fueling a lot of your insecurity.

But let's focus on you for a moment. I have been the insecure girl before. That's who I was in my first marriage. It wasn't until after I left and found someone who actually loved me for me that I realized just how flawed my thinking had been with my XH. Instead of realizing I was a kick-ass woman on my own, I put ALL my self-worth on his opinion of me. If he didn't find me attractive, didn't find me to be a good homemaker, didn't find me smart - then I must not be. I thought that my husband got to dictate my value, because he chose me. I made myself a commodity - an item - that was only worth what someone was willing to pay for me. If he criticized me, or left me, then it must mean that I wasn't as valuable.

But I'm not an item, and neither are you. We aren't valuable because someone else finds value in us. We're valuable because we're GD human beings with one life only, and that makes our time here, independent of everyone and everything else, priceless. We do not have time to feel insecure and undervalued. It's a waste of our priceless and limited time. 

So why, if your are a priceless person, are you allowing someone else to put a price on you? Either your relationships enhance your life and make you feel better, or they don't. That's not to say you won't have rough patches, but the things that cause those rough patches shouldn't be things that you have a CHOICE in. You can CHOOSE a partner who listens to you, who is as excited about marrying you as you are him, who wants to share your mutual firsts (like your mutual first child, and first house, and first dance at your wedding), and who will do anything within reason - like just setting photos to private so that no one else can see them which takes all of a few clicks on a dreary evening - to make you feel like you're as priceless as you are.

You're being treated like a consolation prize, and no human should be treated as such. If he's worth being second fiddle for, so be it. If not, it's time to pick yourself up and move along. 

1wonder woman's picture

lieutenant_dad ..... WOW.... I must say your words were exactly what this woman needs to hear...  so serious...I hope she reads your words and takes them all in just like I just did and I hope she takes your advice and picks herself up and I hope she moves forward without this man. 

A matter of fact your words really hit home for me with my own situation as well.  Thank you... I needed to hear these very words today. I had a awe ha moment... I've been dating my boyfriend now for 3 1/2 years now and we have been living together for 2 years. I must be honest I have not been happy in my relationship... I want two things from my SO right now... one I want him to cut the last tie with his ex-wife... these two are still on the joint mortgage together and she is ruining his credit score and he refuses to do anything to make her refinance... he will not even tell the court she has failed to refinance in the time frame the court gave her.  so far he has done nothing to cut this last tie.  Two... I am ready for a engagement a commitment... and every time I mention an engagement he says "I need more time... maybe if you would stop mentioning an engagement and stop pushing me just maybe I he will purpose to me"... when he introduces me to his co-workers or friends he has called me his fiance and even his wife... I'm so confused... Here they are almost 4 years divorced from his ex and his ex refuses to refinance and he refuses to cut this last tie and he will not make a commitment to me. Why? I found out he purposed to his ex-wife just 6 months after dating her... and the girl before her he again only dated her too for 6 months.  No wonder why I feel so insecure right now... I do not feel valued at all.... I feel like I am not good enough to be this mans wife in his eyes. My happiness ...my needs and my wants are not important to my SO. 

Your words were not directed to me and my situation but they were exactly what I needed to hear today... so thank you. Now I know what I need to do... I have wasted so much TIME on this man... I have given him plenty of TIME...  I do not have much TIME left I am 58 years old... I do not have TIME to feel insecure and undervalued anymore... It's a waste of my priceless TIME and my TIME is limited.  I see clearly now thanks you... It's TIME for me to pick myself up and move along! Thank you! 

thisgirlrighthere's picture

My husband actually had pictures on his Facebook of him and BM. It never bothered me because DH rarely uses Facebook, and those pictures were there from years ago. He never deleted them. My MIL actually called him one day and blew up on him for still having those pictures. Apparently it wasn't even pictures he uploaded, but ones from years ago he was tagged in. I went in and removed the tags for him :) 

It would bother me though if DH used FB regularly, knew how it worked, and still had those pictures up. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm going to add another comment regarding photos in general:

I don't have a problem with someone keeping photos of the past. It's their past, and whether it was good or bad, some people want a recorded history of it.

I still have photos on FB of my XH and I. They are photos that I don't have physical copies of, so FB acts as my photo album. Our wedding photos, or photos of just him and I, are all set to private. The photos still on FB are group photos with friends. Unless I told you we were married, you'd likely have no idea who he was or that we were together.

DH is okay with this. I don't keep the photos because I want to think back on my XH in wonderment of what could have been. I keep them because they are a reminder that, even though I had rough years with my XH and I wouldn't go back to him if he groveled (and he did), there were good times in my life when he was part of it. It's a reminder that my early 20s weren't just a dumpster fire of toxic relationship and poor financial decisions. I don't keep them because I mourn an XH. I keep them as a reminder of what my life was like.

However, I don't share these photos with my DH. If he came to me and asked me to delete them, we'd have a very serious conversation of why he thought it was necessary since I don't put them on display. If he felt insecure about the photos, we'd talk about why because it's not the photos that would cause the insecurity. What would cause the insecurity is what those photos depict and where I am not making him feel as awesome and as loved as he thinks my XH does in those photos.

And that is where I would have to examine the situation. If my DH told me he felt insecure, I'd want to know precisely what it was and examine my own behaviors. Was I treating my DH in a manner that is reflected in old photos? Does he get as much love and attention as I was giving before? Is my DH trying to be controlling and it really is his issue and not how I act as a spouse?

There may be things I did that are in photos that I would never do or say again because it was or led to toxic/unhealthy behaviors. Keeping a photo of that, for me, would be a reminder of what NOT to do in the future. And I would explain that to DH.

There may be things I did in photos that were sweet and romantic and totally healthy that I don't do for my DH, probably because I did it before and when my first marriage went up in flames I forgot the things I did that "made me a good wife". Those photos remind me how kick-ass I can be for another person, and if I am not being kick-ass and that is causing my DH strife, then I better get my lazy butt in gear and do what I clearly CAN and WOULD do for someone. It's not that my XH was better; it's that I got lazy. In this case, I HAVE to do better.

And sometimes spouses (not my DH) want pictures GONE because they want to pretend that the past didn't happen. They don't want to explore their own insecurities, or even after having the photos explained and their spouses have stepped up their game, they are still unhappy. Instead of accepting that their relationship is different, they want to act like their relationship is/was THE ONLY defining moment in their spouse's life. That's not fair to the spouse. It's not fair to ask them to pretend the past didn't happen to them to make you (general) feel better or more secure. You have to accept that a past exists, and you have to accept how you are treated (sans abusive situations), or you should find someone who fits with you better. You shouldn't be in the business of molding an adult that you want into the person you think they should be. If they willingly change themselves, great! If not, accept it or move on.

There are people who will keep photos because they aren't over their past. However, burning those photos or deleting them from existence won't fix anything. That person will STILL be longing for the past. They will STILL treat their new relationship like a consolation prize. The reminder might not be there, so it's easier to trick yourself into thinking all is well and good. But it doesn't actually fix the root problem, which is knowing someone else that was loved got treated better than you, someone else who is also supposedly loved.

So, photos aren't the problem. It's the clear disconnect between current behavior and what is depicted in past behavior that is the problem. Either current behavior gets fixed, and therefore photos don't hurt, or it doesn't and the relationship suffers whether the photos exist or not. That piece of ink-soaked paper or square of pixels isn't causing strife in your relationship. It's the attitude and behavior of you and/or your spouse that is, and the photo is just proof that things could be different.

Sandybeaches's picture

I was with you on the first post.  Very helpful insightful information.  However here, you lost me. 

While this whole pictures are pictures post might be working for you, this is not OP's issue.  These are not pictures set to private because he wants to remember his past, this is a whole Facebook page dedicated to his ex-wife, ex- life and former family life.  It is also with a man who choose this ex-wife first and hurt OP by leaving her for this woman.  Totally not the same.  

This is not insecurity or someone thinking that his past should be deleted.  I am sorry but if someone is remarried or in a relationship you do not have public pictures all over the internet of you with an ex.  I do not know anyone in a good healthy relationship who would do that. It is so many things but mostly completely disrespectful!! It is very uncaring to leave these things hanging around to be found by a current spouse....  Just saying 

If someone wants to keep old pictures Facebook is not the place.  If they do not have physical copies they can always right click on the Facebook copy and put them in folder on their own computer or send them off to Walmart to get a physical copy to keep where ever it is they think they need to keep pictures of their ex.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

That's why I titled this particular post with "photos in general", which I meant as "under normal circumstances, when it's clear that your spouse isn't hung up on their ex".

I also mentioned in both the previous post and this post that, at the very least, set the pictures to private. That takes them off Facebook for the general public to see.

Additionally, my main point with this post is that people on BOTH sides of the general photo argument (which is usually "should photos of exes be deleted/burned out of existence?") need to look at their behaviors to decide if they are being unreasonable or a bad partner. I took the looking out of it for OP and gave her what I thought was the reasoning behind her feeling insecure about the photos - that her SO doesn't treat her like he does the XW and that he isn't willing to do anything to make it better. That's not the right approach in this instance. But in other situations, the approach of "delete them all" may not be the right course of action. 

Really, my post was a set of filters and/or guidelines to handling the general photo issue: if you're insecure about the photos, figure out why, ask for changes, and if changes don't happen, figure out if that's because you're asking too much due to insecurity or if your partner just doesn't care about how you feel. Social media keeps a record of everything over time, but that doesn't make it all relevant and/or accurate. I'd honestly be super annoyed if my DH asked me to go back and delete posts or photos that are a decade old that I had forgotten about because it made him feel insecure.

No, this general advice doesn't apply to OP, but it may apply to someone else in a similar situation, and I'd hate someone with less history than OP and her SO to stumble across this blog and think that their partner having photos of their ex = them still pining over their ex when it's likely not the case.

Sandybeaches's picture

Men are different creatures than woman.  They don't typically keep a bunch of pictures around unless they are still interested or just lazy.  

Photos don't have to be deleted or burned but if one needs to keep them,  a box in the basement behind the furnace is the appropriate place not their Facebook page public or private.  There really shouldn't be a need to stumble across them all the time if you are married to someone else.  

Tessa LeAnn's picture

Thank you for all of your well thought out advice. I really appreciate it. I am relieved to know that my expectations are not out of line… He really shouldn’t still have those pictures displayed. But I am saddened at the possible reality of the situation, my worst fear, that he is still not over his ex and that life, and that yes, he might drop me like a hot potato should his ex-wife show any interest in coming back.  I want to bring all of this up in a heart to heart conversation, but I really don’t know how to even broach the subject.   Of course he has assured me that he -is- completely over her, and that his relationship with her is merely “copacetic“ and “businesslike“ as it relates to the custody schedule.  He says the only time he thinks about his past relationship is when -I-  force him to by bringing it up during my insecure moments.   He also venomously denies that he ever chose her over me. Where it is true that he broke up with me at least a month or two before he started dating her, I failed to see how that matters. I may start a new thread just about this, because I am very interested in some better ways to word what I am trying to say to try to make him understand where I’m coming from and why I think that way. Because I agree with many people who responded to this thread, the unique history between us is what is making this even harder than a normal circumstance of seeing your partner’s previous wedding photos when you didn’t know them before hand, if that makes sense.

Notup4it's picture

Him having those up isn’t appropriate- you letting him know it BOTHERS you and still not doing anything about it makes it even worse.  It isn’t so much about you being “insecure”, there is a real problem here. 

He sounds like he wants both of you?? And wants to bounce between you both emotionally?!  This is his problem and nothing to do with you being insecure. Or maybe he enjoys using her to make you insecure and then vice versa?!  I think it sounds like he is the insecure one needing to always have one of you waiting in the wing as a backup. 

I think you need to have a no BS discussion with him and be prepared to just leave if need be. 

Love_and_Loathing's picture

If someone asked me to take photos down I’d tell them to bugger off. This is my life and my past and my photo album. Your insecurities are your own. If he’s not making you feel loved then leave him, but asking him to take his past down is very needy, jealous and dependent and completely inappropriate. I’m amazed so many people agree with you at all. 

 

I have remained friends with every single person I’ve ever dated, including my oldest’s father. My photos taken while we were together are still up and on display, albeit my FB is private so no one but friends and family can see photos. 

 

Take this to counseling, not a forum. 

Notup4it's picture

How is it insecurity? It is more disresctful than anything else.  It would be on par with having their wedding photos all over the house. 

I wouldn’t want my husband’s mom, or brother or friends coming on my profile and seeing pics of me with my ex husband plastered all over it.... awkward!!

At best I would say he is inconsiderate (especially after talking to him about it), and not sure OP if you want to waste your time with someone like that??

Your boundaries are your own- if he disagrees there is a comparability issue.  There are wide gaps as to what people think is acceptable or not.... some think sleepovers with ex’s are fine as long as you aren’t “sexual” for instance.  There are plenty of men out there that feel how you do and wouldn’t put you in that position in the first place.  It all depends on what you feel is and isn’t acceptable behaviour within your relationship.  You are no more selfish for having your opinion than he is of having his. 

To put it in perspective look at your divorced friends on Facebook.... do they have pics of themselves up with their ex’s?  I never ever seen that to be honest. Something is off. 

Sandybeaches's picture

You have made excellent points!!   I was about to respond and then realized you had it spot on!!! 

mkay.rae's picture

If you care about someone and their feelings and want to honor and respect their feelings you should NOT have a problem taking down old ass photos of your EX. I honor your response but just throwing my opinion out there as well to say that I would be infuriated if my significant other, or soon to be husband still had emotionally charged photos left on his FB with his EX. 

To me that is a HUGE red flag of them not being over that person and would make ME feel less than.

Period. 

 

caitlinj's picture

He needs to take those photos down already, not by anyone asking him, but by his own choosing. He should've down it by now.

MommyT's picture

DH doesn’t do social media but when we first became hot and heavy, he went through the old boxes of photos he had of him and BM and threw them away so I wouldn’t stumble across them when I moved in. He did this without me asking him to. He had some pics of BM and ss too because she left everything when she left including pics of her being pregnant. He asked what he should do with them and I suggested he box them up and ask if BM wanted them. He did and she freaked out, not sure why. The point here is the DH did all this without prompting because he knew this would be uncomfortable for me. Not all men are that intuitive but you have asked him to take them down. I would try one more time but offering that you will sit down and take the time to remove the pics. If he still fights you then I think it is time to move on. 

Floral_SM's picture

My DH went through and deleted all Toxic BM's photos. I hated seeing her mug on his Facebook, and eventually he did too. It's just not appropriate or respectful to have you and your ex on display. Plus the fact DH hates her too. The Facebook memory feature is what annoyed me the most. 
BM's mother is a game player (like BM) and she used to tag DH in photo memories on her fb with BM 'Look how cute this is'. It's a pic of the skids at age 1 or 2, and DH used to 'like' it. Because I was obviously friends with him it comes up on my feed and I used to hate it. Not because of the skids, but I don't need to see BM's family posts on my feed and see both him and BM reunited together on a memory post didn't sit well with me. I told him how I felt, so he stopped liking them. Well, BM's mum doubled the game play and started posting pics of her grandkids at her house that day, but also tag BM and DH in it too. This is ontop of the memories crap. I started seeing DH's mum and BM commenting and liking each other's comments.. it was getting really entwined and strange to me. Even DH was confused why he's tagged in a photo of the skids eating breakfast at her house with BM. Instead of asking DH to delete anyone I just ended up going through and blocking BM, her mum, her friends, anyone that I didn't need to see. Like magic, DH stopped being tagged in photos and memories! I wasn't viewing her show anymore so it all stopped. That's what eventually led DH to delete and block BM, her mum and friends. Their stupid actions led to it. The abusing texts he received from BM after he did this was laughable. 
But, I was never insecure about all of this because DH always made me feel like he chose me and he wishes he never gets to see BM or have met her. Your situation sounds the opposite where he clearly is still holding onto his ex. The fact he is so defensive in your fights is a red flag for me. DH groaned with the idea of doing it, but only because going through every photo of uploads, and tags would be tedious for him. I think most blokes find things like that tedious, but happy wife = happy life. That's what he said to me, and sat down with a beer and removed BM from his Facebook. It's nice to have a man put you first like that. I have no photos of my ex's either.