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Pending Wedding and SD19's non-involvement

kit2kat00's picture

SO and I have been dating for 7 yrs and have been engaged for 4 months. The wedding is in 3 days. SD19 has previously refused to come, saying she "doesn't want to be a hypocrite". As usual, biodad pleaded until she finally agreed to come. Now some background - he has let her basically make the decisions about how involved she's going to be with me - which is nill - since he divorced and she was 11. She graduated high school last year and I gave her a gift and money and never got a thank you card. When I asked biodad about it he said "oh, didn't she send you one?" and then never made sure she did. When he asked her about it, she said she "didn't want to be a hypocrite." Notice a pattern?? Hate to tell you, honey, that that's common courtesy. If you didn't want to be a hypocrite, RETURN the gift!! Also, last year the 3 of us and my BD9 went on vaca with his family. SD19 refused to let my BD9 share a room with her and 2 cousins. He told me he already told her she didn't have to and that my BD9 could sleep on the floor of our room. Notice a pattern?? Ok, so now I'm printing the wedding program and he has the nerve to say he wants her name mentioned as part of the wedding party! Guess what? I DON'T WANT TO BE A HYPOCRITE!! I refuse refuse refuse to continue to condone her bad behavior by rewarding it. Comments?

LizzieA's picture

Dear almost-DH has his head in the sand. Go ahead, print her name. If she doesn't come, she will look like a royal ASS. Seven years of this. oh my.

kit2kat00's picture

oh, she's coming. I'm just tired of putting on a show for his family (by including her name in the program). let them see what a bee-otch she is. like I need this crap 3 days before I get married.

I am confused's picture

Yeah in some situations in life, and with a 19 year old who is a complete bitch and should be old enough to know better, it's best to just put your foot down and say "fuck you". This is one of those situations.

She kept the gift and money, but didn't send a card. Let y'all take her on vacation and excluded your kid from the room.

Not only would I not put her name on the deal, I wouldn't have invited her in the first place. I damned sure wouldn't treat her any better than I would any random guest who I thought didn't much care for me. Tell her you don't want to be a hypocrite.

stepmasochist's picture

*like*

stepmasochist's picture

It's like the "like" button on facebook, but we don't have a "like" button so we just do that. It means we agree with or like what was said.

now4teens's picture

Sounds like yet another CHILD who has been given WAY too much power in the family...

all because her PARENT (your future husband) has allowed her to have it!

And until HE puts her in her right place (as the CHILD) these problems will only continue.

Buckle your seatbelt, because it's going to be a LONG, bumpy ride.

I do wish you well on your upcoming wedding. If I could send you a wedding gift, it would be a cast iron frying pan, so you could knock some SENSE into your future husband's head!

grayskies's picture

We had the exact same thing happen. DH and I only had one person each stand up with us at our wedding, and SD19 demanded to be the "maid of honor". (SS17 stood up with DH). I said absolutely not, my sister would be standing with me. SD19 screamed and cried and tried to manipulate "Daddy" into letting her do it, but I put my foot down. She refused to come to the wedding, and it really woke DH up to how manipulative she is. She ended up not coming, and we had a beautiful drama-free day.

kit2kat00's picture

I only wish she wasn't coming. that was the original plan and I was ready for a stress-free day. I just feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back and I CANNOT allow this type of behavior anymore. I just recently told him he has to find a way to deal with the guilt (of leaving his ex-wife because she cheated with 2 others??) because I can't live with it anymore and that he's not being a parent because he's too much of a friend.

JMC's picture

OMG, Kit! With only 3 days to go til your wedding, you've got to be a bundle of nerves right now! This is YOUR and your future DH's day - it's stressful enough without having an obnoxious 19 yr old running around. I wouldn't put her name on anything - if she shows up, I'd make sure there was someone there to keep her little spoiled azz in line and if she can't behave, they should escort her out. Your future DH has his daddy goggles on when it comes to his daughter but you're going to have to stand your ground unless you want to become a doormat. Unfortunately, after 7 yrs of this nonsense, it's going to be hard to change SD19's behaviour especially if DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it.

Best wishes on your wedding!