Paying for college student to move in with girlfriend?
I used to be a frequent poster, but I have slowed down lately because...well...both of my stepkids are not currently residing in our home. SD16 moved out angrily in March (see prior blogs), and has not been back. Just in the last few weeks the ground has been thawing and she and DH seem to be maintaining a relationship that is not based on her needing something. So that is good, I hope it sticks. DH had a son, 20, who is currently about 2 hours away at school, and I have a son, stb 21, who is living at home and commuting to a local school. Both boys are in their junior year.
DH and I have agreed to a yearly amount we can help each of our kids with college. My son has his tuition covered with scholarships, so he does not need the full amount we agreed to. Instead, we help with gas and he lives here rent free - he eats with us maybe a couple times a week but he is busy with work and school and isn't home a whole lot. He plans to move out when he graduates.
SS20 lived here his first year of college, attending a local community college on scholarship. He decided to go to a larger state school his 2nd year, so we kicked in our part and he still had a student loan because he had to live on campus. This year he moved off campus with some guys in an apartment, and was able to get scholarships to cover his tuition. DH and I decided we wanted to continue our commitment, which is the amount of his rent. Tonight SS texted to inform DH that he and his girlfriend (who attends the same school) plan to get an apartment together next year, and to "speak now or forever hold your peace". DH called me upstairs and said he wasnt sure what he should say, so I told him to tell him they can talk about it Wednesday - SS is supposed to be coming home this weekend on a short break, and we are driving up Wednesday to pick him and his girlfriend up (they are high school sweethearts, she is from our town).
5 minutes later SS was calling. DH asked him what it was he was wanting from him, and SS said he wanted to make sure we were still going to be paying the money next year. DH told him again they would talk about it when he is here but SS kept pushing, so DH told him he wasnt sure that he felt comfortable paying for SS to live with his girlfriend. That "hurt SSs feelings", and he argued for a bit, but DH managed to smoothly end the call. We are expecting to hear that SS found another way home for his break and will be staying with his mom because he is mad that DH didn't say ok right away, but we will see...
Anyways, I am curious about other opinions on this subject. My husband and I don't support living together outside of marriage, we aren't going to judge or get mad at our kids (or anyone) if they make that choice, but we also don't feel like funding something that goes against what we believe in. I feel like if you want the freedom to make these adult decisions, then it's time to really be an adult and stop relying on your parents for financial help. DH agrees, but he is torn because he has said he would help with school. I am ok with helping with school also, but if his tuition and books are covered, then actually we are paying for him to live with his girlfriend. I love his girlfriend, I am proud of both of them, but I just can't be ok with paying for them to live together. Thoughts?