Parents Just Divorced after 30+ Years
My parents got divorced officially in May. They have three daughters (I'm the youngest) and basically since they been together so long, they mostly share the same friends.
The divorce wasn't really a shock to us sisters. Our parents fought through our entire childhood and adulthood. We used to ask them to get a divorce because clearly they weren't happy together and we were tired of them fighting all the time. That's how f'ed it was. Us KIDS WANTED our parents to be apart. As we all reached adulthood, we basically just accepted the fact that they weren't going to divorce and are staying together for whatever reason. My father used to say he stayed because of us but that story didn't fly once we were all out of the house. I'll never understand. On my mother's end she was more concerned about being our friend (a major issue with them) and always made the mistake of talking to US when my dad would upset her. My father never shared their business with us. She really ruined my relationship with my father growing up and now that I'm an adult, I regret how I treated him. None of the things she told us were ANY of our business. So I just started responding to every gripe with "Divorce him then" and that would hush her up pretty quickly. That's besides the point however, NOW they finally are divorced but still see each other multiple times a week. They still have a cellphone bill together, go to movies, ya da ya da ya da.... This is incredibly confusing for us, even though we're adults. We love our parents and on one hand I love that when my dad has a function at his house that I get to see my mom but on the OTHER hand, I can totally see how this is going to be a disaster for anyone who wants to date either one of them. Plus it's not like I wouldn't see her if he didn't invite her places. Also, I know at least one of my sisters would probably be snotty to any woman my dad dates but I doubt she'd treat any man my mom dated poorly. I HOPE that's not the case but I can totally see it.
When I talk to my parents about by position with SO my father is very understanding but my mother isn't. She understands about the issues with FSD but any mention of the unnecessary communication SO has with BM I don't think she can see past her own situation. I KNOW that she'd feel left out if my dad started dating and had an event and didn't invite her. I don't think he wouldn't (unless gf asked), my dad isn't like that I think she would opt not to come and sulk about it. I just feel like if you wanted to spend all your time together then why did you divorce each other? I don't understand this whole getting along stuff now they they live apart. Not even that far apart. I live 8 minutes from my father and my mom lives literally two streets down from me. It's SO WEIRD!! It MIGHT be for our sake but we're adults now. Their volatile relationship has already done it's damage to us so, you know, too late guys! IDK maybe not being together ROMANTICALLY is better for them. I talk to two ex boyfriends (one now because SO pitched a fit over ONE) because we decided we are better as friends. I don't hang out with them, I don't talk to them everyday but they both have my number and I'm FB friends with one and even interact with his new GF. Still, we didn't decide to be friends right away. It took years of healing on both ends and the decision to be friends was made long before I met SO.
Idk why I'm posting this here it's not really skid or spouse related. I think I just needed to get it out of my head and share with people who can probably understand the dysfunction. My friends have been there pretty much through everything and they think it'd weird too but I don't think they can ever fully understand. I think the only reason I can is because I'm a potential step parent. Although I'd like to think that I'd think it was weird even if I wasn't.
All three of us (my sisters and I) are pretty reasonable people so I hope one day that if my folks remarry that the SP won't end up on here hahahaha!
PAS happens in intact
PAS happens in intact families as well, which was essentially what your mom was doing. I think they both took so long because they still did have feelings for each other, or they were both afraid of change or being alone.
My grandmother PASed my dad against my grandfather and they were married until they passed away.
I know the situation might be
I know the situation might be strange to you, but if it works for your parents, so be it. I agree with you...I find it strange,too, but to each their own. They might just get along better living apart than together and, now that you kids are grown, some of the parenting issues that broke up the marriage are gone. Good for them, I guess. I had the same issues with my ex (married 25 years), but was so badly hurt by him, I chose to completely shut him out of my life once the divorce was over. Good rubbish to old baggage was kind of my thinking and still is. We live in the same golf course community, but never see each other and haven't spoken since the divorce in 2008. My 4 daughters all have a good relationship with their father and his wife, but unfortunately disapprove of the man I married, so one of my daughters and I don't even speak. Long story short, what works for one "couple" doesn't necessarily work for another. Don't judge. I do agree with you though that the relationship your parents have probably won't work long term if one of them gets involved with someone else. There could be some jealousy issues then. It just doesn't sound like either of your parents have completely let go.
No one stays for the kids,
No one stays for the kids, then makes sure the kids are miserable because they are fighting all the time. They stay for themselves. Either they are afraid to leave and be alone, they think they can't manage by themselves, they are afraid of being lonely, they don't think they will ever find anyone else, or they don't want the "shame" of divorce. But whatever reason, it's not the kids, sure they put themselves on a pedestal, makes themselves martyrs, and probably even convince themselves its for the kids, but its not. Its for their own selfish reasons. Both your parents were just being selfish, mom and dad. Parents are supposed to want the best for their children, and not bring them up in a miserable unhappy home.
That aside, they are grownups, they have lived far longer than you, they are responsible for their own actions, and their own lifestyle. Parents may not like the choices their children make as far as friendships, lifestyle, career, boyfriends, etc., but when your children have grown up and left the home, you have no choice but to shut up and suck it up. You are in this position with your parents. It is not your place to decide or judge their lifestyle. I understand that its weird for you, but for them its what they want to do. For all those years they lived together made their children miserable and they didn't care how it affected their children. They are now living a lifestyle that confuses and bothers their children. Nothing has changed really. That's who they are, they don't really care how you kids think or feel, they are just doing their own thing and not worrying about the consequences on those around them, particularly their kids. Selfish.
I am not criticizing your parents here, they are your parents, and you will always love them no matter what. That's what we do. But just see them and accept them for who they are. Two people, not just your mom, but your dad also, who will live their lives the way they want to and no one is going to stop them. They did it for 30 odd years and didn't worry about the impact on the kids, what makes you think they are going to think about how their lifestyle now impacts on the kids.
Just let them be, let them live their lives as they choose to. If you really cannot stand it, as an adult you have a choice now, you can stay well away from both of them. You can pack up and move to China if you want. Or you as an adult can just accept that's who and how they are and leave them to screw themselves up, not you.
If they get into new relationships and this lifestyle choice that they have made causes them problems, well, maybe then they will learn, maybe not. All you can do is stay well out of it.
It's not that I can't stand
It's not that I can't stand it. I'm happy that they finally did it. It's what I thought should happen all along. I've only ever wanted them to be happy. My mother is still kind of a mess but my dad is doing pretty well (on the outside) he's always done a good job at keeping their relationship issues between them. My mother can't seem to do that so I just try to change the subject or deflect the comments. It's just confusing. I suppose I feel like it would have been awesome if they could have gotten along this well when it actually affected us. I know they're adults and I don't ever talk to either one of them about how odd I think the situation is. Or how confusing it is. I learned a long time ago that whatever was keeping them together probably had little to do with us.
Your absolutely right,
Your absolutely right, whatever they stayed together for, it wasn't the kids.
. You kids didn't make the marriage and you didn't break the marriage.
All you can do is look at the life your parents lived and don't repeat it.