Parental alienation in BM
DH Has full custody of SD12 and BM just has Just visitation. Both DH and BM live in the same Housing development. My co-worker’s daughter is good friends with SD12 and goes to both houses to play with SD12.
Its come to our attention BM is trying to turn SD against us. When SD12 is visiting BM they BOTH make jokes about my weight and SD12 Refers to DH as “the Demon”. SD. has told BM she hates living with us and DH takes away her things for no reason. BM rather than corrects this behavior rewards SD with either Sympathy or laughing if SD says nasty things about DH or me. Basically encouraging it. BM has no rules and acts like a best buddy to SD rather than a parent. How do we know this? My co-worker told me.
Now NONE of the things SD says to BM are true. Well I am fat lol. SD is very happy and Loving to both DH and me. We have no problems with her except normal teen stuff and she has NEVER said anything close to what she tells BM about us. SD also has never said anything negative to her friends about us or teachers just BM. We don’t want to tell SD that her best friend is saying this stuff as we don’t want to Ruin their relationship. We have told SD she can tell us if something in bothering her and she just says ok but that’s it.
We believe SD is lying to BM and just telling her what BM wants to hear.
So its Obvious SD is smart enough not to be Believing the lies BM is saying about us and just playing.
So I guess my question is how should we handle this? Since SD has a great relationship with both DH and I should we be worried about this?
DH is hoping that SD will just one day get sick of BM trying to Brainwash her and turned her against us she will flip out on her when she’s had enough.
Thoughts on this matter???
No rules BM
With -24/7 phone access, no bed time, having the boy friend over all the time trumps your house. You will lose your SD in time .
Thier is nothing you can do.
Thier is nothing you can do. If you address it you will cause a rift between you and SD. Then if SD goes back and tells BM, BM will enjoy the conflict she is causing and more problems may arise. I find the best way to handle it is be the bigger person. Always be positive when speaking of BM with SD and the relationship they have. In time if she will figure things out for herself especially if the negativity is one sided.
wicked stepmom.....welcome to
wicked stepmom.....welcome to step talk. Glad you found us.
OP, I respectfully disagree with what wicked stepmom suggests. "BE the bigger person".
Taking the high road and being the bigger person is by far the worst advise that has been spewing around for over 15 years or so.
IF her 12year old stepdaughter was calling a student fat AND a demon, the school would not be the bigger person. WHY on earth should a family member.
OP---your husband and you and bm and sd can have a little meeting. She is not a 4 year old...
Ask BM, is it true your calling me xyz and is it also true your calling dh a demon? Let them answer.and do not turn into a hood rat by swearing, or raising your voice, remain very calm..
.then follow UP with, we do not call anyone names in our home. It is wrong and it is very ugly. Keep it professional with a teachers voice. and say to SD are"You are better than that right?" Bring your tone UP when you say the word RIGHT?
Then say goodbyes and move forward.
JMO
Unfortunately having worked
Unfortunately having worked for the court system at one point I can tell you as sad and unfortunate as it is, emotional abuse will never be recognized or considered. The courts will always treat such issues as he said, she said.
Knowing that at least in my situation BM would revel in the idea of provoking me. I wouldn't give her that satisfaction. I wouldn't stop to her level either. In my situation PAS has turned the SKs against me. Which is fine, being the bigger person doesnt mean being a doormat or victim either. I just handle it by whenever SKs want or need something I direct them to ask BM for it. Since she is so great!!
Similar situation
I'm in a similar situation, except DH only has visitation and BM is the custodial parent.
It's difficult. DH has struggled with it. SSs don't usually say these things to him, so he hasn't had the chance to correct them.
I honestly think that BM has damaged his relationship beyond repair with his children. Maybe as adults, they will come out of the fog of BM's toxicity, but I think one might essentially be lost to him forever.
The bigger problem is PAS
The bigger problem is PAS works and rather than properly addressing it (this includes the court system, among other so-called protective services) most go around telling bio-dad and SM to be “the bigger person.” Too often, and this isn’t just in reference to steps either, being the bigger person winds up with you being the bitter(er) person, and for good reason. Nothing builds bitterness more than continually giving a nod (on purpose, accidentally or accidentally on purpose) to bad behavior.
When people suggest this, I get what they are saying. They are saying, I hope, that you are not going to solve it by acting like them. But, you are not going to solve it by ignoring the issues either. It needs to be addressed how you and your DH see fit.
However, at the end of the day, BMs have way more psychological power over their children, regardless of custody, then bio-dad. This falls into that step-parenting category that I refer to: Do what works for you, because no matter what, you’re going to get screwed; it is just a question of how much. Any time anyone tries to take on BM in the American system, the odds are near 100% that she’ll win, simply because she is BM. I don’t like to bring this up often, but we all know of that case in Texas where the BM, at the end of the day, basically got off with a slap on the wrist for drowning her five kids. And, THIS IS Texas—the state where they’d execute a pre-teen for murder, if they could. What does that tell ya’?
Do what works for you and your DH, and best of luck to you. Just make sure to place the instigator where most of it belongs—on BM. Unfortunately, it is not that common for adult SKs to come around regarding BM's PAS'ing. Much easier to think mom was right than that she so callously and cruelly manipulated you and (intentionally?) destroyed any chance of a relationship you could have had with your own father.
Amen...amen...amen.
Amen...amen...amen.
I've told DH that he shouldn't worry about appearing like a bad father, because no matter what he does, BM will tell Skids that he's a terrible father, so he needs to just do what he thinks is right and not capitulate to BM's manipulations and demands.
Also, you are 100% right that regardless of the circumstances, BM will always be seen as the martyr or the victim. Society is just so in love with mothers that we can't see that "mothers" can also be promoting their own needs over their children. You'd think with so many people in therapy to deal with all the terrible things their mothers do, that we'd have a more balanced societal view of mothers, but we don't.
I've encouraged DH to talk to someone who could help him manage alienation, but he hasn't. He's usually pretty good about telling Skids that it's not their place to get involved in drama with BM and he doesn't appreciate it when they perpetuate it, but really, he's not consistent at calling them out when they say things that are untrue.
I know this is not all their fault, but they are now teens, so they should be able to see through BM's lies. Mothers are powerful, though.
I would call SD on the
I would call SD on the bullshit. I would call BM on it as well.