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girlonstage22's picture

Ok so brief overview: BF and I have been together over a year now. I have been around 9 yr old SD twice. Even tho her BM is remarrying and the guy's living with her, SD still won't be around me. BF has her every other weekend but sees her during the week for practice. Let me say that we have done nothing wrong with her. BM is a vindictive manipulating person and willing or unwilling turnged the SD against BF. Now SD is kinda back to normal with BF but still throws horrible tantrums when it is time to visit. She doesn't want to be around me at all. Not because she knows me, just doesn't.

BF and I would really like to take our relationship further but I don't want to since the SD refuses to be around me. I so long for a relationship with this little girl. I adore kids and she is a cool one. But she nor the BM will accept my presence. The BM brings her fiance to all occasions but I am not allowed. What's so crazy is the BM has only been dating this guy for 6 months and they're getting married. SD is completely ok with him and treats him better than her own father.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should we force her to be with me? I have backed off for the last year. I'm tired of it. I want us to have the same relationship with SD as BM and fiance. Please help!!

proud mom's picture

I personally do not give my boys a choice. When it comes to who I am with my boys do not have a choice if they want this person around or not. My son tends to think he can say what we are going to do and who we are going to do it with so every now and then I have to remind him by making him go with me weather he likes it or not. He gets this way with everyone even not wanting his grandmother to come over or go visit her. Sometimes you just have to step up and be the parent. As long as the person is not abusive and treat the child/children well then don't give them a choice. Talk to BF and say you need to stop giving her choices if we are going to be together then it will involve me being in her life. How can she get to know me if you never make her come around or won't alow me to be a part of your life with her.

Hang in there and keep us posted!

Hanny's picture

I think you do what the both of you want to do, and she will have to deal with it. I too am in this situation, the BM has lived with her BF for 4 years, moved right from their house to his house with girls. But do they accept their father's life with me. NO. And that is because he won't force the issue. He just keep on giving them MORE TIME to adjust. Well, what that means is he is giving them more time to run his life! If you and BF want to be together and around SD, then you must do it. And a 9 year old should not get the choice of whether she wants to visit or not. My BF daughter is 12 and says 'it's wrong'. Well maybe, but why doesn't she tell her mom 'it's wrong'. No she won't do that, because BM won't hear it. But Dad will buy into it. He is so afraid of loosing his daughter. As I said at this age they should not get a chance to decide on whether or not to visit dad or not. And BM should back dad up on this too since she is okay with BM's BF.

girlonstage22's picture

Thanks yall! I agree with both of you. SD is running BF's life and she shouldn't be allowed to do so. And the BM "says" she tries to convince the SD to be around me. But last night she called to let BF know that SD didn't want to come this weekend because she knew I was gonna be there. BM said she was just informing him of the situation and that he should concentrate on SD. BM believes we are pushing the SD and disregards that it's been over a year.

But I'm with yall....how is SD ever going to adjust if she isn't around me?

Anonymous's picture

Sorry to hear your dilemma. I have been in a similar situation for almost 3 years. My BF's SS is also 9 years old and now he does spend time with both of us but he only does it because he is forced to. Time has not improved that because BM still trashes me and SS wants to make her happy. NOTHING will change that, BM will never change and SS will always love her and want to please her even if its wrong. My BF has talked to him and tells him what a good person I am, and I have never been anything but nice to him, but the issues are still there. Long story short, think long and hard before you continue this relationship. I wish I had never gotten involved in a relationship that causes me so many hurt feelings at times. BM has used this child to fulfill her own selfish anger issues and courts and counseling have not changed that and never will.

Catch22's picture

About whether you are ready for all this. If you haven't even moved in yet, your troubles have only just begun. Don't even think about furthering this relationship with BF until he can commit to you with SD. If he's not willing to force her then you are always going to be hurt and sitting on the outer. I know I live this every day.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Angel's picture

You have to be number one------or you'll suffer a lot. His kids MUST respect you; they don't have to love you. He must take care of your feelings (regarding his kids & X). YOU must matter. If you are feeling slighted now, you will feel battered later. Good luck.

Krissy's picture

The problem here is not with SD or BM...it's with your BF. Why is he allowing a child to dictate who her father spends time with? If you are going to be in a relationship, then she is part of it because she's part of his life. If he is already allowing her to decide where you will and will not be, girl, you are in for a REALLY rude awakening if you do move in together or get married, down to this child choosing every meal, choosing every family outing, choosing every part of your lives.

You can't control what BM does. Plain and simple. But if you have a loving and open relationship with this man, he will not allow you to suffer because of his ex. Honestly, it seems to me that he is simply not ready for a relationship. He clearly has control issues with the kid and probably some guilt ones as well.

Our BB was sleeping with STBX and her current DH at the same time. She wasn't sure who she wanted to be with but at some point she chose the DH and immediately moved in with him, like, the day after she had slept with STBX. They were married less than a year later. Yet, DH and I get married and over 2 years later I am still an unfit parent, even tho I have my own child. Whatthefuckever. Apparently if they are the ones that actually give birth to the child, they are entitled to do anything and everything under the sun. But God forbid the man moves on.

Think long and hard. I really wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide!!

Krissy:)

girlonstage22's picture

No I'm sorry yall, I wasn't very clear. BF is completely up for making his daughter be around me. But I have tried to keep the peace with everyone and have been letting the BM win. He wants to go against the BM and SD's wishes and make her be around me. I have been too afraid to push her because I don't want to fuel BM's fire anymore. He is the most amazing person and has tried to shield me from any pain from this. We are very open with each other and work together on all problems. This has been so hard on him because it was BM's fault for divorce and SD blames him even tho she knows the whole story. It's sad she was even put in the position to take sides.

But anyway I am probably the one to blame because I wanted to try "playing nice" instead of doing the right thing. I have never let the BM see my anger or frustration. I won't let her know she gets to me.

Thank yall for your comments. I'm so grateful for this site! Have a great day!