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Out of the BLUE

Totheend12345's picture

SD12 just called last week she wants to start coming over again. 

 

We have not really had much to do with this kid in a year. We try and it turns into a big fight. The kid has told us she wants nothing to do with us, and BM is acting the same.

 

So a few days ago SD calls to say wants to come over next weekend, and then calls again last night just to chat.

 

This is going from her wanting zero contact with us to wanting to start coming over again.

 

I would love to think she has turned a corner and is just trying to work out her issues. But is it bad I am thinking something is up?

susanm's picture

Is her birthday or some other gift giving holiday in your family coming up?  A vacation?  Some change in BM's household?  Sorry but I am more than a little jaded.  Nothing happens for no reason in stephell.

Totheend12345's picture

She did not any more she didnt show for ever so we donated them. And she still wants to come knowing that

Aniki's picture

My first thought is "are SD and BM fighting"? 

I'd leave it all up to your DH. And - IF it happens - be absent as much as possible when she's there so they can start rebuilding their relationship. 

Totheend12345's picture

I THOUGHT THE SAME THING!!! BM and her trillionth man just broke up, so I thought maybe BM has time for SD now and is trying to push her back into DH life but IDK.

CLove's picture

Who would fight and create conflict, move to BM's apartment, then fight and create conflict and move back, and then resume visitation schedule.

Be scarce until it becomes apparent what her angle is. Could be arguements with BM, now that she has more time to focus on kiddo, could be BM wants more time for dating life, could be BM wants her to be a spy....

Just dont trust this.

Totheend12345's picture

DH thinks SD is out of control and BM is forcing her. Its every other week SD gets her phone taken away, SD seems pretty wild from her social media. But with little to no communication with BM can't be sure.

Rags's picture

Don't sweat the why.  Take it one day at a time.  If she behaves reasonably, engage with her reasonably.  If she goes back to her usual BS, confront it immediately.

No need to adjust your lives to accomodate her.  She has to be the one to adjust to your lives.

Totheend12345's picture

I hate feeling this dread of thinking of her coming over. I just can't accept she wants to be part of our lives again. I feel like we are being setup or something. 

Justthesecondwife's picture

And have the same feelings. With my SD, it is obvious her wanting to reconnect to "be on good terms again" is just another one of her long list of manipulations. It is always a set up, and as I've told DH. SD brings no value at all into my life, only toxicity. So I'm not willing to be a part of the circus.

It's horrible the feeling of dread, knowing there is some kind of agenda, but not sure exactly what. I know I am very cynical and jaded, but after years of the same manipulative cycle, with the result each time of SD only causing stress, disharmony and unhappiness, it would be remiss not to learn from the past.

I hope you have a different experience, and your life and happiness are not displaced by the return of the skid.

Mandy45's picture

One second they love you next they dont. Then they want to visits then they dont. Then they want to talk then they dont. The best thing to do is just just go with the flow. Let dh call the shots. Dont worry too much about what there all doing. As long as you get a heads up. Everything is always changing in stephell no one can ever make up there mind what there doing. You send yourself crazy trying to figure it out.  

Steptotheright's picture

Depending on the day or the hour or the minute, the sk's can have a completely different demeanor. Especially the SS's. one minute they're acting like they're going to run things, the other, they want to coexist.

I will add that manipulation is also something to watch for. Whenever sd16 wants something is literally the only time she wants to talk or be nice to me. So she uses this disarming effect that the rare cases of her being nice have upon me to get things or go places. I've just now caught on to this a few months ago when I started waking up to a lot more stuff too.

But yeah you can only accept her with open arms, but guardedly. You never know she could have had a change of heart or what her intentions are. Just make sure SO doesn't get brainwashed. Silly, silly SO's.. lol

Thisisnotus's picture

In my experience, you will know in less than an hour if it’s real or fake.

i only hear from my DD17 (dad PASd her hard core and 2 years ago she told me she doesn’t want to see me anymore....prior to that was just mean and nasty to me to make her dad happy and I had to let her go for the sake of my sanity and other kids)when she wants something.

she starts calling me around her birthday and around Christmas. She will be nice as pie.....once she gets the gifts she is in her car and gone in 10 minutes....I do always get her gifts.

For 2 years now we have taken family vacations without her....she starts calling the week of the vacation to see if she is invited....she isn’t. 

Other than that I never see or hear from her...not on my birthday, not on mother’s day and not on any of her siblings birthdays.

 

Steptotheright's picture

Dang, that's cold. It's interesting to me however it gives me a different perspective. My two bios are young yet. But just think that your own flesh and blood can use you just as callously as a narcissistic stepchild can.

 

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes! My heart is shattered so I do my best not to think about it or I’d be crying all day every day.

she is my first born...I did everything for her...I was a stay at home mom who helped in pre school and took her everywhere to have fun....doted on her.....you get the picture....

she treats her step mom like gold and me like I don’t exist. It’s really sad.......all because she blames me for the divorce....and then I had another child and that was that. She won’t acknowledge my 2 year old as her sister and has seen her maybe 8 times in her life. But she has a 12 year old step brother who she labels “brother” and dad only married a year ago

 

Justthesecondwife's picture

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Totheend12345's picture

Update

 

She calls last night with the I love you dad, and I miss sissy, and all this stuff. I am over here shook, then she ask is SM there. He said yes, she requested I not be there when she comes over..... Honey this is my house and I will be there if I want to be (which i don't) Then she tells him it will upset BM. UMMMM BM is not coming over. Motive found.

Justthesecondwife's picture

Your (horrible by the way) SD openly said she doesn't want you to be in your own home when she graces the home with her goddess presence, but not only that, that she expects to bring BM, who will be uncomfortable with YOU being in YOUR own home?

Seriously, what kind of fuckery is this? I'm sorry, I have put up with a lot in my marriage which many people wouldn't, but this would be a massive deal breaker for me. I am in shock for you.

Why would BM ever be in your home? That is crossing a vast boundary in the first place. I would be packing my DH's bags if he ever allowed BM into my home. Yet beyond that she and SD requested you not be there? If my DH ever had this kind of crazy deal breaking request even he would tell SD in no uncertain words that he would never allow evil troll BM into our home, and further to that SD has peanuts for brains if she thought she had any kind of right to demand you vacate you home whilst she was there. And this would be coming from a man who has no backbone with the vast majority of people in his life.

This is just insane to me. I would be absolutely livid (and I am on your behalf) and would very bluntly inform DH that his precious daughter is not permitted on my property, and if BM ever so much as steps one foot upon one blade of my grass I will call the cops. 

You are not disposable, to be dismissed for the whims of an obnoxious SD, who should be doing as she is told, not making the rules, or a BM who has not business in your life at all. I hope for your sake that your DH respects your marriage and sets aproriate boundaries. If he wants to reconcile with SD if should be initially out of your home, until SD can respect you and is ready to visit your home, with you in it (and without BM) as a guest of the people who own and live there.