OT - SIL is upset about wedding/son's birthday situation
This is kind of off topic but I'm really looking for an unbiased opinion.
My SIL planned her wedding the day before my first child's first birthday and wants everyone to stay the night and spend the day with her (the day after her wedding) but I'm conflicted because it's my son's 1st birthday. I am planning on heading home after the wedding ceremony so we can spend my son's birthday at home. I have a cake and small get together with friends planned - the wedding is about 4-5 hours away. My son is awful in the car so the thought of driving home on the morning of his birthday upsets me because he would essentially spend 5 hours of his first birthday screaming and crying the entire way.
Now most of my in-laws are pretty upset about the situation. I don't know if I'm being ridiculous but I really want my first child's first birthday to be special. I don't want to spend it focusing on the newlyweds, I want to spend it at home having breakfast together, opening presents, and having a small get together as mentioned. I might be a bit sensitive because as most on this site are aware, I almost lost my son to bacterial meningitis at 2 weeks old. I remember thinking about all the "firsts" we'd never experience together but here we are.
It's an emotional day for me, and it's the first and only time I will ever experience a "first" birthday as we can't have any more children for a variety of reasons. I just don't know if it's selfish of me, because SIL seems really, really stuck on having us there that day to celebrate and spend time with family. My husband feels bad, but he also wants to spend our son's birthday together. I think he's impartial though and could go either way.
What would you do in this situation? Am I being ridiculous and need to suck it up?
I fully understand your
I fully understand your feelings and your desire to make your child's first birthday special. However, he will be 1. He has no idea what a birthday is. He will be oblivious if you celebrate his birthday a day or a week late. I don't think it's worth creating any bad will with the in-laws over this. Family time with the in-laws is important, and it's a special time for your SIL, too. SHE fully understands the circumstances, unlike your young son. Just another perspective . . . .
If I were you, I'd go to the
If I were you, I'd go to the wedding, have a great time, wish SIL all good things in life and then head home that night and celebrate son's birthday just as you have planned. SIL still gets her day and still gets to do as she plans. She will just be doing it without you and DH there.
This is what I WANT to do,
This is what I WANT to do, and what I feel is most fair for everyone involved. But she is so adamant about having us spend the day after with her, as well. I just feel it's unfair considering there will be many, many other people staying that day that can spend time with her, why can't my son have us spend time with him? I'm frustrated because it feels like my feelings are being made invalid.
Your SIL is weird as fudge.
Your SIL is weird as fudge. What bride wants to hang out with her parents and siblings the day after her wedding? Sorry, that's just effing weird.
I think she is asking a lot of everyone and is being incredibly selfish about her nephew's first birthday. To even plan her wedding the same weekend is a bit freaking much. I certainly blocked out my small neices' and nephew's birthdays from the calendar of availability when we planned our wedding.
Yes, your son won't remember, but you will. Don't sacrifice your fond memories for the needy, inconsiderate SIL.
Yes, it feels SO
Yes, it feels SO inconsiderate. I'm frustrated because I'm being made to look selfish but I really, genuinely don't feel celebrating my first year of parenting - all the sleepless nights, exclusive breastfeeding, all the milestones he's hit - is selfish. I feel like I have every right to it, just like she has every right to celebrate her wedding ALL weekend if she wants. I'm just not going to stay for the entire thing when it impedes on MY celebration.
Who cares what people think,
Who cares what people think, they will think it regardless. DO YOU!!!
You need to put the SIL in
You need to put the SIL in her place by doing what you want and need to do. If you cave to her now, it will be expected that you cave everytime and your son will be ignored eventually when she has kids.
She is an adult and should be able to handle the dissappointment. WTF, she expects the whole weekend to revolve around her wedding? Life goes on and people have other things that are important to them too.
Is she 12 by the way? eyeroll.......Have her brother telll her that your family will be there for the wedding and then be going home.
I kinda wonder why you aren't celebrating that day with DH's family. Although if SIL invalidates everyone, then I can understand.
Becoming a parent involved me standing up as an adult like no other adjustment in my aging process. You are now firmily in the adult catagory, responsible for another person. Family can have a hard time adjusting to the new role and attude that comes with it. Time for you two to declare your adulthood and do your own thing. IMO
Do what you want to do and
Do what you want to do and what makes you happy. Whether its going to her wedding or spending your sons 1st birthday however you please. Yes he's turning 1 and God willing he'll have many more but at the end of the day its what you want and makes you happy.
The decision is yours to make. You can go about it the way you suggested and drive afterwards and celebrate your sons birthday but whatever you choose let it be because its what you want and not because you feel obligated to SIL. When it comes to my kids I'm selfish in that regard. To hell with what other people think. Life is short and in the end you have to keep it real and live your truth.
She'll be alright if you celebrate with her and go home afterwards, it won't be the end of the world.
We went to our niece's
We went to our niece's wedding in another town and got a hotel room for the night. The next day she had a lovely luncheon on the water and we had a FABULOUS time. We thanked her for letting us out of town guests spend some time with her, as you all know, you can't really socialize with the bride/groom at the wedding. As far as your son's 1st birthday, if it was during the week, would you expect your guests to take time off from work... to celebrate? Yes, you do have to think of other people, as long as it's reasonable. Your son will have a 2nd, 3rd... birthday, hopefully your SIL will have only 1 wedding. I think you're being a little overdramatic, IMHO.
I'm taking a day off work to
I'm taking a day off work to celebrate her wedding. I would not expect anyone to take a day off for my son's birthday, though, no. I'm having a small get together because my husband's side of the family is busy celebrating SIL's wedding all weekend. I don't expect them to take off from that, either. I just want a small get together with my best friend, son, SD and husband actually. I'm not sure how that's overdramatic to be honest. I'm not missing her wedding, I'm just not staying an extra day to continue celebrating HER marriage.
I disagree. It would be
I disagree. It would be lovely of OP to spend the time with her SIL if that is what she (OP) wanted. OP's absence from the day after events really won't detract from SIL's (extended family) happiness. OP's immediate family (husband and children) are her prioroties. She is not asking SIL to change anything. She is simply politley declining the invitation. An invitation is not a summons.
Good lord talk about
Good lord talk about bridezilla! She isn't just stomping her feet and saying "It's my day!" like a petulant child, she's saying, "It's my weekend!" That's ridiculous. She should be more concerned with her new husband after her w doing, not where her guests will be the next day!
And I really hate the whole "your baby is one, he won't remember." No, he won't, but you will! Birthdays are special for parents too, especially the first birthday of your first kid. It's the anniversary of when you became a mom and you should celebrate how you want.
This is how I feel too.
This is how I feel too.
Not to mention, I just attended her bachelorette party where I had to split the cost of the condo we rented with the other girls, although I wasn't even staying the night (not ready to be away from my child overnight yet) and split the cost of all meals/drinks she had the entire day with the other girls. That's fine and all, but her wedding hotel choice is $200 plus a night and we're already staying the night BEFORE her wedding, so we don't really want to add another $200 plus for yet another night after her wedding. We still have to buy the kids' outfits, buy a gift, etc. This whole thing is becoming ridiculous financially in addition to emotionally for me.
Just J~ that comment annoys
Just J~ that comment annoys the heck out of me too "your baby is one, he won't remember." She almost lost her son and wants to celebrate this very important milestone. She doesn't owe SIL a damn thing. She's already attending the wedding so all the rest is just back ground noise.
Yep. I know he won't remember
Yep. I know he won't remember, I'm not ridiculous. I know it's not important to him. But it's important to me.
I've cried my eyes out at EVERY milestone - sitting up, crawling, standing, eating food, every single one. Because I remember sitting in the hospital holding him in my arms and feeling so angry and heartbroken that I wouldn't get to have those. I remember picturing them in my head but knowing I wouldn't ever get to experience them. I remember, as awful as it sounds, looking at SD and wondering why HER mother decided to skip out on those (left at 9 mo) while I was here wishing to god I could have them. I waited 5 DAYS before being told he would recover and live. I don't think anyone understands how tight you hold onto milestones unless they've been in that position before.
Sunshinex~ you don't owe
Sunshinex~ you don't owe anyone an explanation. His 1st birthday is important to YOU and that's all that matters. Every week, every month, every year, and every birthday will be something special that you hold dear to your heart.
So celebrate your little ones 1st birthday and remain grateful that you have been blessed to celebrate that amazing milestone.
Your Son is a Miracle Baby!
I hope you do what you planned. Yes, a one year old doesn't know Birthday but you do, and as you've highlighted, this isn't just another 1st birthday but a Miracle Celebration & Gratitude Birthday for you- that your baby is okay and you DID get to celebrate all his milestones and achievements. So this is huge!
I'm celebrating for you in my heart: you are an amazing woman, mother, and friend! Take care of YOU and follow your heart, because it's correct. The wedding party will party on Day 2 and you don't need to kick yourself for having personal priorities as a parent. They will be fine.
I agree you don't owe an
I agree you don't owe an explanation, I am generally in the camp of "They won't remember or even know what's going on" but in your case it's a completely different story, not only should you be celebrating, everyone at that wedding should be showering that little one with all the attention. Celebrate that baby, to heck with the SIL !
"Sorry, we already have plans
"Sorry, we already have plans for that day and will have to leave after the wedding. Maybe next time."
End of discussion.
You both kind of sound selfish.
X
It absolutely is about him.
It absolutely is about him. But it's also a celebration of our first year as parents together. And I have every right to celebrate all I've put into motherhood on his first birthday. It's a celebration for our family, and of course, it's all about him - but most people will tell you, they don't remember their 1st birthday, so it's as much for the parents as it is for the baby. Nothing about me as a mother is selfish, thanks. But I don't need to explain myself on that.
MorganJones, you don’t even
MorganJones, you don’t even have kids. You obviously have no idea why anyone would want to celebrate motherhood. Just stop.
LOL that makes more sense now
LOL that makes more sense now.
That first year as a first-time mother is INTENSE. Of course you should celebrate. Yes, I'm celebrating for my son - he's my entire world and heart, but damn, I'm gonna celebrate for myself too. It's been a whirlwind of sleepless nights, long days, it's a rollercoaster, especially when breastfeeding/not sleep training. I'm gonna celebrate my son and I's first year together as mom and son.
That's so dramatic lol. She
That's so dramatic lol. She isn't skipping the wedding. And these days, they certainly aren't once in a lifetime or none of us would be here.
Your only child only turns one once. Ever. That will never, ever happen again. So...really all this ado about the DAY AFTER a wedding is just silly.
X
X
Wait what? I have politely
Wait what? I have politely declined to participate in the events of the next day. At no point have I been rude or unaccommodating. There are no hurt feelings on my side. It is an "after wedding get together" and it should be optional. Why would anyone force their wedding attendees to stay longer than the wedding ceremony? I'm not only concerned with myself, either. I'm missing a day of work, driving 5 hours to the wedding, and 5 hours back home with an infant who screams in the car despite having PPA/PTSD and knowing it's going to be rough on myself - ALL SO WE CAN ATTEND THE WEDDING.
I really don't understand how having other plans the day after someone's wedding is unreasonable or selfish. My own father, sister, and bestfriend all couldn't attend my wedding for various reasons. I didn't hold it against them or get upset with them. Sure, I was a bit upset that they couldn't make it, but I didn't pull any guilt trips or show disappointment.
Is this poster a troll? Someone tell me this poster is a troll please... lol
Trollsky
Based on their new membership, zero blogs or profile summary, and lame comments to you...
I'm going with troll. You called it!
A wedding is a once in a
This so made me laugh... how many of us are second, third, fourth wives or husbands? Tell her you'll catch the after party at her next wedding.
Is everyone not reading that
Is everyone not reading that she is attending the wedding but not doing the after night because she wants to celebrate her child's birthday??
I don’t think they are! She’s
I don’t think they are! She’s going to the wedding people! Just not days of celebration afterwards! And that’s ok. What the hell does it matter if she’s there THE NEXT DAY, which should just be optional anyway. I’ve never even heard of forcing your guests to stay a day after a wedding. Silly me I wanted to be alone with my new husband the day after my wedding and then leave for my honeymoon. And my wedding was enough of an event, I wouldn’t want to keep hosting guests after. t’s a lot of work and as much as I loved my wedding and having my friends and family there, I was relieved when everyone left and it was just us.
Right!
Right!
The best part of our wedding was after everyone left and we went outside and wrote "just married" on our car. We were so incredibly happy after such a long day knowing we were finally married and able to celebrate with each other. I find it weird to want an entire weekend with family.
Your SIL is absurd. This is
Your SIL is absurd. This is your son's first birthday of course you are going to celebrate this special day at home with him. I think going to the wedding and leaving after it is just fine. Anyone who can not relate to your wishes are being ridiculous. Enjoy this special day with your sweet baby. The first birthday is always the most special. Happy Birthday to your son!!!!!!!!!!!
You're going to her wedding -
You're going to her wedding - that's her special day. SIL knew that your son's first birthday was the next day, and is still acting like a demanding, entitled sh*t. I don't care that your baby is only 1 and won't remember. Birthday parties for babies are for the parents and family, not the babies. It's not like you are demanding all your in-laws attend - you are wanting a quiet day with those who are available.
I may have a had a different opinion if the situation was SIL saying, well since all of our side will be here, how do you feel about having a birthday party for him up here? Then we can all socialize and enjoy some time together. But Stay-and-Celebrate-ME-more? Nope.
I'm old enough that when
I'm old enough that when someone tells me they expect me to be at xyz place, you can always find me at abc place. I might be a little stubborn but I am an adult and get to make my own decisions about what I participate in and what I don't. If somebody objects, so what? That's their problem, not mine.
Sunshinex, this stuff gets easier. Please don't feel bad or selfish. You're not. You've had a rough year and you want to celebrate it the way you want to celebrate it. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you are polite and even loving in your declination, you're doing the right thing.
I don't know why your SIL is
I don't know why your SIL is so needy, but you certainly don't have to give in to it. Such ridiculousness is fascinating to me.
I hope you enjoy your baby's 1st birthday!
OP from this day forward I
OP from this day forward I WILL without feeling bad or ackward----"I OP will put our child before anyone else. Everything child related comes before anyones fee fee's.
Even if it means skipping out early from a Family or friends gathering for Nap time. EVEN if It means missing dh's kids dance class (example). IF I "OP" want to experience our childs 1st or 20th Birthday THAT is all that matters. I "OP" do not care what SI, BM, Granny Goose or even what BM's neighbors think.
I am the gate keeper now.
Go enjoy your babies 1st Birthday on YOUR and Dh's terms. No one elses.