OT, but really need advice
So gf went out about three months ago with her then roommate, who was very overbearing, and when gf would spend time with me it would always cause problems between the two of them. They had a wierd dynamic to their relationship I know. So we had been talking about moving in together and were just waiting for me to go back to work after getting laid off. So gf planned a night at a comedy club and then to a bar for herself and roomie and roomies friend. Later that night at around 130 in the morning I got a phone call from gf and she was drunk, in the convo she had admitted to making out with her roomies friend at the bar. I was crushed and hung up the phone. Gf called the next morning on her way to work and did not remember calling me the previous night, after I had asked her if she remembered I told her what she said and she admitted to it. I struggled with that for a while as my ex wife cheated on me with our neighbor. Gf said her reasoning for cheating was she was mad at me for not texting or calling her during the night. Btw she had previously told me not call or text while she was with roomie, as it just led to a fight. I really don't know of more happened that night or not, at this point I don't care it's over and I moved on. One of the things I told her at the time were I was not going to be comfortable with her going out drinking if I was not with her. Now she has a divorce party she wants to go to coming up, and just informed me she is going and really nothing to talk about, she is going and I should be fine with it. I know I forgave her for making out with someone else, but as far as the trust with her going to a party with drinking without me is not back. So my question is how should I play this? If I say go have fun I will be a nervouse wreck all night, if I say I don't want you go I am a jerk/ asshole. I know she loves me and I love her too, but she (self admitted) does not make great choices especially while drinking. She has also said she understands why I have issues with her going out without me and said she wouldn't put me in that position. But because it's someone she hasn't seen in awhile I should b fine with it...I am not...please I need advice....sorry I know my Typing sucks...
I'm wondering...
Why are you with someone that you don't or can't trust? Seems to me you should let her go out and if she cheats then leave her ass... If you can't trust her then get out or continue to spend your time worrying about what she may or may not do (which is no way to live). Give her a little rope and see what she does with it....
Thanks for the really good
Thanks for the really good advice and comments on my post. Yes conflicted I hear what u r saying, but as the trust is regaining, I'm just not at the place to be ok with her going out and drinking with old friends. I know I'll be a that spot again with her, but it has only been 3 months. Also after it happened she told me she would not go out without me again until she had fully regained my trust, but now she has just made plans and the thing that really has me upset is there was no discussion, no hey what do u think about me going out? and the whole no drinking when we aren't together plan, sounds great but we had that agreement the night she cheated. Thanks everyone, I have alot of things to think about
I still think....
that you should give her a little rope.... if shes going to cheat shes going to cheat and by you not allowing her to go out now is in reality only delaying the enivitable.... If you let her go out with her friends and she cheats then you have your answer and you need to get out now.... If shes a cheat then she always will be and shes not going to change.
On the flip side.... maybe she won't cheat.... maybe she was just in a weird spot at the time that she "made out" with the guy.... (it sounds like her roommate was a psycho; could she have played into it somehow?) You didn't give a lot of backgroud but I'm betting there is a bit more to the story.
IF your gf is a true blue cheater she'll just cheat again.... so why not let her go out with her friends this time and see what happens..... BTW.... is a regular thing? Does your gf go out often with her friends while you stay home with the kids? Is she always out and about while you stay home? I guess I'd need a bit more info but one other point I'd like to make is this.... do you honestly think you will ever truly be ready for her to go out drinking without you there? Do you really want to have to babysit her for the rest of your life? Are you ever going to allow her to regain your trust? If so....how.... what could she do that would make you feel comfortable with her going out without you? I say you should give her the chance.... if she screws it up its her loss!
OH! One last thing (for real this time) as far as your gf not checking with you first....
I have a newer relationship as well (sounds about the same time-frame as yours actually).... and my bf wants me to check in with him too.... honestly, I'm just not used to it.... in fact, I'm not used to any dh or bf caring about anything I did.... I'm also fairly independent and have never really had to 'check in' with anyone before... I make the plans and keep things organized so I know whether or not my plans would conflict with something else and I tend to overlook 'checking in' with my bf.... my bf gets upset when I forget but its not like its intentional or like I'm trying to hide something.... just something I need to work on and it sounds like your gf needs to as well.... maybe you could let her know how important it is to you that she discuss plans with you first....
My 2 cents
"Gf said her reasoning for cheating was she was mad at me for not texting or calling her during the night."
WTF???!!?? She actually gave you a REASON?!! I'm sorry but there is no good reason for cheating. Least of all something completely ridiculous like that. Saying she cheated on you because you didn't call her is like saying, I drove your car over a cliff because you showed up late to pick me up from somewhere.
If your GF cheated, then she should be falling all over herself to make it right with you. THE ONLY way a cheater can make it better is to recognize that their partner is going to have a really hard time trusting them again, and to do everything they can to reassure them -- including submitting to bigger constraints for a while (like not going to parties where they will be drinking without the partner along if drinking is why she cheated in the first place!!!!! That she refuses to do that, and is blaming you on top of it, shows she isn't taking this seriously.
My honest opinion? Dump her and find someone who respects you.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)