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OT: My BD(7) is really strugling emotionally

Unhappy's picture

I know this is a little off the topic but I was hoping someone or multiple people might be able to help. Sorry this is so long but in order for you to understand what's going on you'll need to hear a little bit of the history involved.

So here's the back story:

I was with my BD's father for five years. We never married, thank god. I left him over 2 years ago for many reasons. He had cheated on me several times, like he just didn't come home on some nights. He quit bathing and brushing his teeth because according to him, "he didn't have anybody to impress." He was taking our daughter over to his firends house so that he could drink and smoke pot with them and he was drinking and driving with our daughter in the care.

When I left him I set up the vistitation schedule with him verbally. He got to see her 2 days a week on the weekends and if he could manage to sober up we would talk about moing to 50/50 arrangement. Everything was fine at first. He was even okay when I stated dating my SO. It was only after I moved in with my SO that he started to be a big jerk. He would drop her off at 5 years old and not make sure anybody was home and just take off if I was out running errands. There was an incident when he was dropping her off that I wasn't there and he was texting me asking me where I was at. When I told him I was on my way home and asked where he was at he told me he was down at the end of the street. My SO was home so I told him where my ex was with our BD and he left the house and walked down to the end of the street. My my ex saw him coming he jumped into his truck and peeled out and just let our BD standing there. He has never once made an attempt to meet with SO ever.

The final straw was the summer before last. He wanted to take our BD camping on his 2 days which I was fine with. He texted me the day before he was supossed to bring her home and asked if he could have her for an additional day and drop her off on Tuesday instead. I didn't see anything wrong with that so I told him that was fine.

Well Tuesday rolled around and he didn't drop her off. I tried calling repeatedly but it went straight to voicemail. I called his mother to see if she had heard from him as well, which she hadn't. Wednesday rolls around and I took the day off of work. I tried calling over and over again and it went straight to voicemail. We had a general idea where he was camping at so my SO called the local law authorities in that area. He also called the National Forest Service and got them out looking for SO and our BD. I had a co-worker come over she drove me all over the place. We talked to cops, which said that they couldn't do anything because there was no paper work but said if he didn't return by Thursday they would put out an Amber Alert for my BD. I went and talked to his boss who told me that he had called another co-worker on Tuesday to let them know that there was an accident and he wouldn't be coming to work on Wednesday.

After all that I went home and told SO about the information I received from his boss. SO immediately called the local authorities again to see if they knew anything about an accident and he also called the local hospitals.

Finally Wednesday evening my ex calls me back after the numerous messages I had left him. He was driving back from where ever he was at yelling at me in front of our BD about how upset he was that the cops were going to put out an Amber alert and that the reason why he didn't have his phone on was because he didn't have any cell reception where he was at. That's when I asked him why when he had driven to an area where there was cell reception to call his co-worker on Tuesday to let him know that he wasn't going to be into work he didn't think about calling the mother of his child? He had no response. I caould tell when he was yelling at me that he had been drinking so I told him when he shows up to drop our BD off that I would make sure a cop was there to give him a breathalizer test. I called the police after I got off the phone with him and they told me that they can't get involved in domestic stuff like this. (Can you believe it. My ex was drinking and driving with a child in the car and they couldn't get involved.)

Instead of my ex dropping our BD off he dropped her off at his mothers and had her drop BD off at the house. The following day I went to a paralegal and had them draw up custody paper work and a couple of months later I full custody of my daughter while my ex had supervised visitation at his mother's house (which I set up because I knew he couldn't afford the alternative) whenever he wanted to see his BD.

The stipulations to the custody agreement state that my ex has to go to a drug and alcohol assesment and follow whatever plan that they come up with, spend one year sober after he has completed his treatment with random UA's before custody can be changed.

That was finalized fall of last year. My ex has failed to any of it. He has tried to PAS my daughter when he does see her or talks to her on the phone. It's been over a month since he last saw her and a couple of weeks since he last spoke to her over the phone.

My daughter is having a hard time coping with all this. I can tell it's eating her up inside. So I plan on taking her in to a child therapist. Here's my delima. I asked my ex if he would like to be present during this meetings and he said yes. My SO has been extremely worried about her and wants to learn the methods of how to help my BD overcome these issues that are eating her up inside. I asked my ex how he felt is SO was there and said that he didn't want him there. I asked him why and he didn't respond.

I want my SO there. He is in my BD's life more the her actual father and I think it's important for all 3 of learn how to help my BD. It's not about my ex, SO, or myself. This is about her but unfortunately my ex, who is a horribly selfish person, will never understand.

What do you guys think? Should I let my BD's deadbeat dad control who is going to be at the appointments or should I just tell him SO will be there and that if he still wants to attend he can. It's his choice.

overit2's picture

Unhappy, i'm so sorry! Seems a lot of us are dealing with ex's and biodads...YOu have full custody, you don't need his permission to have you SO go with you to the meetings. If he's the involved one and cares for her, you're ex can go pound salt! At least she has people that care.

Unhappy's picture

I just don't understand my ex. Why can't he see that he's hurting his daughter and this is not about him. I was always under the impression that ex's would typically want to meet the new person in their childs life just to make sure they're not some drugged out looney.