O/T Can anyone stand the person they're married to anymore???
I know this really has nothing to do with ST, but have any of your DH's totally changed since you've gotten married?
We got married last December. We dated for a little over a year before we got married, so I thought I knew him pretty well, but he has done a complete 180. He used to give a sh** about his life, but now all he does is play video games ALL damned day long. He hated his job and is now going PT, but it took him 2 weeks to provide his availability to his boss! I pay for his community college classes and he barely goes to class! I have to pay for EVERYTHING...even his auto insurance, which is now going to go up because he got ANOTHER speeding ticket. He barely spends any time with his daughter when she's here. She goes upstairs and watches tv/plays while he watches football or plays his online games. When SD7 comes downstairs, he wants nothing to do with her. It's hard for me to warm up to her myself, but I just feel downright sad for the little thing.
I just don't know the man I married anymore. He's narcissistic and gets so angry at the drop of a hat. I just can't take it. I certainly don't want a divorce on my record, but I just don't know what to do. It seems he's content doing NOTHING. If I bring up how much I "give," he is very quick to say how it won't matter much at all when he is paying the bills. I am an educated professional who always dreamed of having a great relationship with someone who felt the same way about achieving their goals/dreams. I thought he felt that way, but I guess I should have known better before I said "I do" that his ideals were a little different than mine. He just has no motivation whatsoever. I married a freakin' deadbeat!
Sorry to be so long-winded, but I just felt I had no one else to vent to.
Hmmm...playing video games?
Hmmm...playing video games? What is it with some "men" these days? They truly act like teens. Not good.
With that said, having a "divorce" in your record? You know, I remember thinking just like you. The fact is, that if you are divorced and are lucky enough to not have had any children with the guy, you really are not considered "divorced" by most men. The women who had kids and divorced may not like you much, but the men? They could mostly care less. I dated a guy that used to tell me he thought "all divorced women were the same, he would never date a divorced woman, etc..." and at the end of the day, he said "but you are really different because you have no attachments to your ex, so really, it's like he was just your boyfriend...no extra baggage..." and after marrying someone with kids, I have to say, "I get it and I agree." So please, do NOT let that stop you. Also, a friend used to tell me..."many women and men say that it's been so long, blah, blah, blah...but if you keep waiting, it'll just be longer...so move on now and in a year or so you will actually wonder why you didn't move on faster...it'll seem like just a tiny phase of your life vs. your entire life...as you might see it now." I agree.
I have not been there completely, but somewhat in that paying bills, being a professional and having to take care of someone who really isn't doing much. In addition, if he is working part-time and you are paying all bills, does that include his CS? If so, stop. Stop NOW! Split up your bills in 1/2. Provided his 1/2 is not more than he would pay if he was living alone or that he paid before you two married, he shouldn't complain and if he does, then really, you need to leave even faster. DO NOT pay his CS. DO NOT pay his CS. DO NOT pay his CS.
Now, he might be depressed because MOST men get depressed when they can't provide for their families, however, there is a huge difference between depressed and taking advantage of someone. So you need to investigate that a bit more. But please, take care of yourself first. If you are this unhappy now and he does not seem to be doing much to better himself or help with the bills, you might be doing this for years...YOUR finances will suffer and then it'll be harder to leave.
A big hug. I am really sick and tired of these crazy ex-wives, but even more sick and tired of these men who think it's up to us to clean up their mess and take care of them and the kids they were stupid enough to make with someone else...not our problem.
Thank you SO MUCH for your
Thank you SO MUCH for your rely. You don't know how much that made me feel better that someone is on my side.
I currently don't pay the CS, but I have helped in the past. He even used our wedding gift from his grandmother to pay her CS...unfreakin' real! But whatever, I sucked it up. Hopefully God smiled on me for that little unselfishness. BUT I have since put my foot down and am in no way willing to ever give him money for that again!
Thanks for the advice about the divorce stigma. I agree if I keep waiting, it'll be even longer. I still love him, but it's really hard to be a loving wife when I'm expected to be a mother/personal ATM to my DH. WTF is wrong with me??? If my mom were alive, she'd beat me right now LOL. Family's another thing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE his family. Both of my parents are deceased, so it's nice that he has a great family. However, I know that's not what the marriage is about. They would hate me for doing that, though. Also, he would hate me, and possibly be violent towards me. I really wish I had seen this in the beginning. I'm tired of walking on egg shells around him. He's just gotten too comfortable with me "taking care of things" for him. GRRRR!
But thank you again for your reply. It made tons of sense! Seems I have a lot of praying and thinking to do.
Video gaming in adulthood is
Video gaming in adulthood is the most ridiculous thing to hear about. I can see adults who want to play a little. Its the ones who get stupid about it and just do it all the time.
Grow up!
As for you, its time to stop enabling. Don't pay for his classes if he doesn't go. If he can't pay bills then he needs to move. You aren't there to support him financially. Its a partnership. Each of you contributes. If he isn't contributing then he needs to go.
I had a good friend in IL who
I had a good friend in IL who met a man who swept her off her feet. He had been married 2x before and her 1x with 3 kids all teens. He moved in and a few cracks showed through. But she thought it was just adjusting to living with kids, something he had never had before (he said one prev wife had an abortion and the other had a miscarriage). They were in their 40s and were doing OK.
They married and the cracks in his personality turned into chasms. She ended up buying him out of her house (they refinanced and as they were married he was included on the title)and he went back to Ohio.
It happens. They hide their bad side and real side and are on their best behaviour. I think this is why Dr Laura recommends not moving in or marrying for 18 mths. No one can keep up the act THAT long.
I can understand you don't
I can understand you don't want the divorce as part of your personal history ( I'm Catholic), but it's been such a short time you could probably get an annullment. Have you considered this? I think being afraid of someone is a dealbreaker. In the meantime divide the bills as OP said, I would insist on that, no need to be a sugar momma to anyone! Psuedo step CTBB is 33, he STILL plays video games all the time! It's pathetic. I just have a picture in my head of this gray haired old man in boxer shorts, controller in hand, yelling at the screen! :jawdrop: