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Opinions please? Do you think it Negatively Effects SK’s if bios don’t get along

Fedupwithlife's picture

Obviously if bios We’re having full-blown screaming matches in front of SKS the answer would be yes. I’m talking more subtle. Like bios refusing to CO-parent or refusing to Communicate with each other regarding SKS unless it’s by email only and very limited. SKS knowing both parents hate each other. Bios that are Constantly dragging each other back to Family Court. 

shamds's picture

Kids learn from their parents, family and peers how to behave

bio parents have a major influence on how their kids turn out and alot of kids grow up to see this way of behaving as normal even when it clearly isn’t and they learn to not respect boundaries

heck if bio mum is in court constantly to bitch about whatever, always trying to control what goes on in the dads home like she has a right to, the kids see this as normal even when it isn’t and behave the same way. Lead by example is the best way but bio parents vedetta against an ex takes precedence over raising positive individuals who can contribute effectively to society

Jcksjj's picture

It does if there is constant tension and fighting because of it that they can see, hear or sense. If you're keeping it away from them and/or low contact with the other bio, not as much.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Anytime parents have animosity that they can't/don't work through, whether married or divorced, it impacts their kids. If the only way for parents to civilly communicate and not show animosity toward one another is to only communicate via email and parallel parent, then that's what needs to happen. SKs can pick up on how to have good relationships through their parents' other relationships. There is a learning opportunity in seeing your parents overcome their own failure as a couple but still find compromise on parenting, and bonus if you can watch them develop a good relationship with someone else. Showing success in failure is a good life lesson.

kiwihelenm's picture

My partner separated from his wife 14 years ago. The girls were like 8 and 12. He has finally filed for divorce (she already took all the assets!) and now kids on a war against me

kiwihelenm's picture

I only came onto scene a couple of years ago. Their mother fully ensconsced with new beau, new Mc Mansion etc, but the hatred and level of animosity levelled at me from the kids must come directly from her or from within that house. I hate to think what conversations go on, ie the hatred can be one sided from bio


ldvilen's picture

Yes, of course.  But, I'd add a big caveat to that because I know where this often goes.  The bios' issues are the bios' issues.  It is not up to SM or step-dad to smooth things over for therm or suck it up and take it, because this is often the thought.  It is often the thought too, unfrotunately, that if the bios do not get along, SM or step-dad is somehow to blame.  

As a step-parent, you are foremost your spouse's spouse or SO.  You are to be welcoming to the children.  If you feel you are being personally attacked (and this inclufdes if they personally attack your role) and your DH has checked out, then you disengage.  You are there to support DH, but his initial family issues are his and BM's.  Not yours.

ESMOD's picture

I think you are confusing the issue a bit.  Ex partners don't have to "get along".. in the sense that they don't have to like each other (if they did.. perhaps they would be married still..??? lol).  

BUT.. they should be able to have a CIVIL relationship even if it is a distant one.  That means that they may be indifferent to their EX.. but they don't display hostility.. especially when it would be seen by their children.

So.. there are those out there that say.. ohhhh you have to get along and be friends and attend parties and blah blah blah.. BS on that!!!  You have to adhere to the terms of your CO and uphold your responsibilities.  You should try to be reasonably accomodating to unforseen or rare planned events.  You should refrain from ticking off a list of your Ex's shortcomings in front of the kids.. or where they can be heard.  But again... nope.. you don't have to sit together at soccer practice.. you don't have to celebrate joint family Christmas events.. none of that instagram crap that is just fake.

ldvilen's picture

Thank you for clarifying that further!  When it comes to divorce, civility is the key and should be the goal, and not all of this huggy-kissy-look-at-us-divorce-was-better-than-being-married type stuff that the media and counselors try to jam down everyones throats.  I'm not going on vacay with my husband and BM and the kids, nor should I be expected to.  I'm not going to sit in the back row, while BM and DH sit together at any family event, nor should I be expected to.  I didn't marry a man so I could "disappear" whenever his ex- and his kids are around to "make things smoother" for anyone.  I married a man expecting to be his wife period.  I didn't marry a man expecting to pay the highest price for his divorce.

Yes, maybe some SMs need to butt out of the parenting, but BMs need to butt out of I'm-still-married-to-my-ex mode.  Sure, in an initial marriage parenting and being a married couple are more intertwined.  Yet, they are certainly different roles.  Once divorced, mom and dad need to work on seperating those roles out, and should not really be dating others until they have learned to do so.  It is NOT up to SM or step-dad to suck it up and "be patient" while the bios learn to do so.  They may never learn to do so, and, as a matter of fact, if SM just sucks it up and takes it time after time, the odds are that much higher that mom and dad will, more or less, remain married--just not on paper.  Meanwhile, SM is expected to settle for something that on paper may look like a marriage, but winds up being more like indentured servitude, with free babysitting services and bedroom benefits for dad.

Fedupwithlife's picture

I did not mean bios that DON’T sit with each other at SKS sporting events or have joint bday parties for SKS will that Negatively affect the SKS. Guess what I was trying to say are BIO’s that refuse to Communicate even when there are major problems at school with SKS. Bios that go out of their way to let SKS do things on their parenting time that they know the other bio does not like. Just to win over as the favorite parent. SKS that will openly Amit  that both bios each other. Do these acts effect SKS Negatively

ESMOD's picture

Look.. I'm sorry... but isn't that painfully obvious of an answer for you?

Obviously one parent hiding important information about a problem at school is going to negatively impact the kid.  And... I am not saying they have to have some joint discussion "as a family" to deal with it.. but if JR is skipping class mom should be telling dad so he can provide HIS input on HIS time.

The second point is a bit more murky.. I think each parent is allowed to decide what they will allow their children to do.  If scuba diving is a passion for dad.. it is a fairly normal activity that sane people participate in.. so if he wants to have his kid learn? fine.. even if MOMMYYY is terrified of swimming.. dad's time.. dad's call.

The parents may have different feelings on screen time etc.. again.. no parent.. the parents don't have to put their heads together and agree on screentime.. when the kid can have a phone.. etc...  sorry.. this is an area that you give up when you get divorced. you only get to make rules for your home.

As far as kids knowing their parents don't like each other? um.. yeah.. they are divorced.. and they should model CIVIL behavior.. but the child isn't going to melt because they realize that their parents don't like each other.

Of course sometimes another bio parent can be so toxic that even civility is impossible.. so people just do the best they can..

ldvilen's picture

Sorry, for me, I wasn't trying to head you off at the pass, but others who so often try to claim that SMs who just want to be treated like what they are--a wife--are somehow being Evil SMs for not making themselves invisible whenever SKs or BM want it so.  I didn't marry my DH to instead wind up being another family's lackey.

But, putting that aside.  I'd recommend you research Parenteral Alienation Syndrome (PAS), because what you describe is what I would call subtle PAS, but still PAS--"the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent."

And, yes, of course this will effect SKs negatively.  It is near brain-washing, and not only does it tend to work, but many a time these children will grow up to be adults and not have much recognition that this even occurred.  They'll just despise dad and loathe SM, for example, and have no clue that at the base of this was BM ever-so-slightly and over time stoking the flames of hate.  Such as, "Your father was lazy," "Your dad!, ugh!, and what has he done for you lately?," "That women he is with now dresses like a whore," and "Your dad was too cheap to take you so I'm going to take you instead."  These are all examples.

Rags's picture

Yes, but far less than one or the other BioParent being tolerated to run amok with lies and manipulations.

IMHO of course.

The parent who keeps the facts front and center is the one with the best interests of the kid at heart.  Hopefully one of the BioParents is of high quality as far as character is concerned.

Iamwoman's picture

Yes. Absolutely.

As Rags stated, it helps when one parent is sane and reasonable though... as long as the kid latches onto the same parent.

DD16's HCBD's behavior ranged from emotionally unstable to downright abusive. DD latched onto me though, and once HCBD was put on supervised vsiits, she started growing and shining as a person again - as in excellent grades, joyous attitude, etc.

OSS15 and YSS11's HCBM (the Maggot Queen) has ranged from emotionally unstable to downright abusive as well. However, instead of latching onto the sane and reasonable parent (DH), skids have latched onto the Maggot Queen. It shows. Their lives are a train wreck and I'll be surprised if they have any sort of success. Ever.

nappisan's picture

yes , it puts major stress on all involved.  usually the skids will end up playing the bio parents off eventually when they realise they dont agree on things ,, it becomes a whole messed up situation ,,,trust me i know !!! my SS12 bio parents do not agree on anything , can barely have a civil phonecall etc etc ,, the skid is very aware of all this and now plays them off every single day and im on the edge of the shit mess all the time. And Lamwomen you are correct ,, the skid ends up latching onto the unstable parent usually as they have no rules and discipline and the skid can get away with anything,, but the stable parent is left doing the majority of the parenting  with everything or the step parents get roped into doing the work also.  The bio parents i deal with argue most of the time over this little brat but nothing comes from it.  I just get a miserbale man most eveings from after having a shit phonecall with an unstable bitch making demands that impact both our lives ,, it hurts my feelings all the time that another women has this much impact on my partner and i get the bad mood after