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Ongoing issue with EVERYONE pushing for “therapy” for BM and DH. Big WTF for me

pissedstepmom11's picture

Jesus I could scream! I just want bio hag to mind her own business with limited contact with DH since she is high Conflict. I don’t know if it’s because of the screwed up state I live in BUT EVERYONE wants BM and DH to be like BFF’s “for the kids sake” and pushing for therapy for those two. No joke! All DH and I want is to be left alone. BM can run her house and we run our house but Nooooo. Who is everyone? Family Court judge, law guardian, kids therapists...

BM is a control freak who is a great Manipulator and DH is this Spineless Ballless guilt ridden mouse and BM knows this. BM is OF COURSE all for Coparenting therapy as she knows she can Manipulate the counselor in seeing things her way and gang up on DH . BM has done this in the past. 

Anyone else ever Encountered this crap? 


Thumper's picture

Where do you live?

Some states have added Parallel Parenting to their parenting 'guidelines'. I would push for that. I am sorry but what they want you to do is a MONEY GRAB. Its a vortex that spins and spins... No one can reason with high conflict. The only thing that works for a moment is the threat of loosing their cash cow ie child support or temp jail stent. Then it is back to the same bs again.

Above links are for states, New York, Pa and CA.

Why doesnt your dh decline saying he is not interested HOWEVER he will do his best to follow the current visitation plan by way of Parallel parenting which has been successful in NY, CA and PA. and the following states as well.

Below are a few more links on the topic of PP.

My dh just did it,,,we never asked for permission of the court OR our lawyer either. "Worked for us"...


pissedstepmom11's picture

Push for Parallel parenting but his OWN Attorney Was like no way the judge will not like that! DH EVEN lost some of his parenting rights because HE refused to do it. Step kids Therapist Threatened to stop seeing step kid if DH refused to go to Coparenting therapy with BM and guess what. DH refused and the therapist threw step kid out of her practice!! BM had to find another therapist. You bet DH heard about that in court!

ldvilen's picture

All I'm going to say is DH is going to have to whip out his balls for this one.  However, since my DH tends to fall into the same category as yours, SBGRM for short, you do have all my empathy.  The courts pretty much refuse to acknowledge step-parents, unless they are accused of wailing on any of their SKs, of course.  However, how much could DH be forced into this?  Or, is he seriously considering giving it a go?  When you have no control over a situation like this and your DH is blinded by the sharp talons and viper teeth of the mother-of-his-children, you have to either: Just let it go and let the chips fall where they may.  A form of disengagement of sorts.  Or, leave town.  

Yet another reason to never become a SP, I guess.  Many things that will directly and personally affect your life, marriage, pocketbook, "ours" children, etc., you have little to no control over, as not only do most non-steps not get it--how often SPs truly are expected to kowtow to someone else's failed marriage--but the court system doesn't even want to acknowledge their existence to boot.  Again, hugs and best of luck to you. 

pissedstepmom11's picture

You ask how much could they force him. Read my Response above and you can see how much pressure they have put on him already. Is he considering going? Unfortunately I believe he’s getting worn down they reason I’m coming here to see if there is ANYTHING I could do to stop this train wreck

Thumper's picture

Sounds like your dh has a very hard decision to make.

Some dads--let go of the rope completely. That means stopping litigation, stopping visitation and paying max child support for his earnings.

You see op---when the drama stops, conflict stops. When conflicts stops there is little need for a lawyer and court.

IF the dh goes thru with mom and dad counseling, that requires updates to the lawyers $$, updates to the court $$$$, updates to the court can be long hearings filled with drama, $$$$$ DRAMA prior to the hearing, drama during the hearing and new drama post hearing. PLUS costs for therapists and GAL's.$$$$$ this going to give dad custody OR 50 50 equal shared custody. OR Is the goal for dad and mom to get a long? What next a custody evaluation.

I encourage you and dh to watch Divorce Corp on youtube.

Sorry this is dh has been thru hell. So has our family.  I have much compassion!!!


Rags's picture

If this guy is a ball-less mouse as you describe him, what is so appealing about a ball-less mouse of a non man that would make you want to spend yoru life with him?

As for therapy between  your DH and his X, not only no but hell no.  The X is the X for a reason and for damned sure he should not be in therapy with his X.

IMHO of course.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Maybe your DH isn't using to right words. Is he uncomfortable around BM? Was she abusive to him in the marriage? Does she seek to intmidate and dominate him? Does he feel unsafe in her company? Is he currently receiving treatment for anxiety, trauma, and PTSD caused by BM?

Men get the short end of the stick because they don't know how to pay the games these HC women do and are reluctant to admit they have been abused or are afraid of their exes. I know nothing about NY law, but can't believe a battered wife would be expected to sit down in a small room with her abusive exhusband. Perhaps your DH needs to claim victim status. Seriously, it might afford him some protection.

nengooseus's picture

And it was a complete sh*tshow.  BM is a flaming pathological narcissist and abuse DH throughout their marriage, about which he was 100% honest and used the words with the therapist in workup sessions.  The therapist was awful to him, badgering and harassing him to acquiesce to what ever BS BM wanted to do.  Essentially, she functioned as BM's proxy for abuse.  It was 6 months of anxiety, tears and misery for DH as this woman instructed him to ignore his boundaries and mistreated him.  DH feels so much better now having quit.

ldvilen's picture

Sh*tshow is right, but I fully believe it.  In some ways, there isn't much excuse for these, what we call, mousy men, but wow!, during and after the divorce, while the kids are still young, bio-mom has so much power handed to her on a plate by the school system, court system, etc.  And, to this day, most still see it as BM got divorced because she had to (meaning bio-dad was some kind'a a$$hole); but, if a bio-dad wants to get divorced, it's surely because there is another woman somewhere.

I always say BMs are given a pass on any behavior (and I do mean any), dads are given maybe a handful or two of passes throughout their lifetime (and only then if dad somehow "apologizes), and SMs get zero passes.  THEN, to top it off, everyone goes around wondering why some divorced dads check-out of their children's lives.  Again, not that there really is any excuse for this, but some men can only put up with so much whupping.  In some ways, the label "divorced dad" is seen by many as being just as inherently dirty as "SM."  

I guess I just hate it when so-called professionals keep lapping up and giving into GUBMs.  If anyone should know better, they should. They are all supposed to have had training to see through those type of psycho-social veneers.

strugglingSM's picture

Watching DH's terrible experience with an extremely HCBM, I could easily see why dads back away and stop trying. They are so marginalized that their children don't even see them as parents anymore and they just have to fight for whatever crumbs BM wants to throw their way after her needs have been met. 

It's so enfuriating to me how so many HC women who think only of themselves not their children, are able to come across as the  martyr. Why don't more therapists spend time working with HCBMs on how it's not okay to emotionally blackmail other people and teach them how to self-validate instead of relying on others to get their emotional needs met?!

strugglingSM's picture

At the last mediation, BM wailed about how DH just had to go to therapy with her so they could "be friends". Fortunately, the language in their agreemnt says that they will go to counseling together if it's recommended by the children's counselor. DH had to go to a counseling session with one SS and in his private session he told her that BM was abusive to him (confirmed by the couples counselor they saw during their divorce) and DH was not interested in going to counseling with BM. The counselor said she wasn't interested in taking sides and was there to support the kids, so she never recommended counseling. And - surprise, surprise -  BM stopped taking the kids to counseling about 2 months after they started going, because really, she's not concerned about their mental health and the counselor didn't recommend reducing DH's time after meeting with him and SS. 

BM pleaded with DH to go to counseling with her and even had the kids ask "to go for us, dad!" But, he refused. He told BM he would rather do parallel parenting, like the couples counselor had suggested during their divorce. 

DH's family also thinks he should go to counseling with BM. But, they also believe that BM is the victim and DH is just "at war" with her, so their opinions are worthless. 

What people don't realize about counseling is that it will only work if *both* people are willing to change, not if one person wants to prove they are right and thinks the other person needs to be forced to change. A high conflict person, especially one who plays the victim, will not change and typically can't self-reflect, so counseling would be a waste of money and time for all involved. 

I think a judge requiring that is ridiculous. Yet another overstep that happens after divorce when the courts try to dictate family dynamics. Maybe first, the judge should require each individual to go to counseling and provide proof that they've worked through all their own issues before subjecting the other person to becoming the scapegoat for their personal issues. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

A suggestion is DH do some research and find a local therapist that is experienced in dealing with personality disorders.  Then suggest in court he feels the current therapist is biased and he will only agree if BM agrees to sees a new therapist with him and he would like to have some say in who they see. That way he is not being defiant in the courts eyes and seems more reasonable.  

Rags's picture

Dad should have played the game then Parallel parented once he ticked all of the boxes for the Pseudo professional government employee minion "experts" and the bottom ten%er of the legal profession in the idiot Harry Potter robes slinging the Fisher-Price wooden hammer.  As dad he has influence over the therapist that is selected and should be front and center on anything BM attempts to manipulate to highlight it, confront it and counter it as much as possible.

Sadly some States are worse about this kind of invasive systemic crap than others.

We were fortunate that our CO was issued to a single teen mom who got full physical and legal which allowed us to parent as we wished, live where we wished and raise SS as we wished.  We did have to honor the visitation schedule element of the CO. But.. all in all... that really was not a huge burden.  The burden was the toxic manipulative crap the blended family opposition slung around.   Courts have no business in the family life of anyone beyond the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.

The States that have nauseatingly invasive systems as the one the OP lives in do that crap to employ otherwise unemployable people. If I had young children,  I would not live in one of those States just to avoid this kind of crap.

IMHO of course.



Thumper's picture

OP---please clarify--Is dad being threatened with Termination of his Parental rights IF he refuses to go to therapy with his ex wife? WHAT parenting rights did dh loose? Could you please be specific?

How old are the kiddos?



pissedstepmom11's picture

Since Bio hag played a good game of “I’ll put my Differences aside for the children and gladly go to Coparenting therapy” and DH refused the judge gave Decision making to Bio hag. The judge fell right into thinking Bio hag is wonderful. Bio hag had no Intentions of putting our differences aside but like I said is a Master manipulator and bio hag knows this. Bio hag knows from past Experience she can Manipulate The therapist and get them to do her dirty work of getting them to persuade DH to do things Bio hags way. That’s what this all comes down to. Bio hag wanting complete control of how DH parents on his time and a open wallet. 

The kids are 12 and 17. 

strugglingSM's picture

I think we have the same BM. The one in my life is always saying how she "chooses to be kind"...and then not long after will send DH a  scathing message about how he's a terrible person who doesn't love his children. 

tog redux's picture

We are in NY and DH was pushed into coparenting therapy.  The therapist was great. Great enough that she saw right through BM, so BM refused to allow SS to meet alone with her, so the therapist refused to work with them anymore. 

That was it for coparenting therapy. And did the court use that information to realize that BM was the problem? Nope. 

Thumper's picture

I am so sorry you are having to go thru all of this.

Its nuts.

What does your husband want to do? What DO YOU want to do?

Dh can either go with it....or tell them he is done. I would make sure his lawyer requests Findings of Fact and conclusions of law with every decision the Judge rules on.

I would still love to know the state this is in. Realizing you may not want to tell us. I get it.










pissedstepmom11's picture

What do we want to do you ask. DH would do it if it was not for me. One DH would Literally jump off a cliff for his spoiled brats. Two DH does not like conflict or pressure and he’s getting it from BM, family court and kids therapist to do co-parenting therapy. 

Now for me. I’m totally against it! Why? Just read what I posted in the last Paragraph above. DH caves  under pressure and guilt about his brats which makes for a Disastrous situation for me. BM already is too involved in OUR household for my liking. The fact therapists ALWAYS put the kids first then the real parents. Step parents are basically viewed as Bottom feeders trouble makers with NO say and therapist’s Definitely don’t care about what we want.