Well my stepsons hate me too. I've done nothing to them personally-i.e. I'm nice Its bc I'm blocking the BM access to DH's cash/support (in their mind anyway). I had to disengage to save myself from getting hurt & used. No matter what BM is #1 to them ALL. It will never change, despite if she died or went to jail -- she's entitled to everything forever. I'm just a capable working gal who takes care of herself & her family and other than my paycheck, wanting nothing in return. . . bc I won't be getting anything but grief.

Don't be so sure that DH doesn't know or wouldn't believe you. You can probably go to the bank that she has told him--often. Or that her behavior makes it obvious. So this is not really *new news*--just confirmation of old news. I can't think any good can come from bringing DH into the fray of SIL said SD said... You will still be on the short end.

It's called the magazine smile. I have two of them: a closed lipped high cheekbone pleasant smile... and the wide ear to ear toothy smile. My DH knows this smile. He'll ask how I am doing, I say wonderful, pause, quick magazine smile. He will say really, that's nice--imitate my magazine smile... then we both crack up. SD doesn't like either of them.

The beauty of these smiles is that they counter my frown lines. Further the act of smiling tricks your body into generating endorphins, not cortisol. Well, that's what my therapist told me anyway...

yeah, I dont bother putting on a smile anymore. It takes alot of energy to be fake and I dont feel like depleting my energy on that. I am not "mean" to ss-although if he does or says something crappy to me or I will put him in his place-other than that I just go out about my business when he is here. My kids and dh still get smiles.

NewBeginning - sounds like you and I are in a VERY similar situation - other than I married my DH when my SD was 5 (she's now 24)....and she just gave birth to the 2nd grandchild this past June. And she hates my guts. Has put in writing that she doesn't give a damn about me, I am NOT to call myself Grandma, nor use the children's photos on my facebook, or in any other reference. She is playing the grandchild card to the hilt, and my DH is meanwhile whining that he wants to see his grandkids. Fortunately, they live thousand of miles away in another province. I have recently done 4 things, which I suggest that you follow:
1) read the book "Step Wars". It provided me with the info I needed to get perspective from both sides. I can understand your SD's insecurity as I DID lose my father at the age of 40 to his second wife and her family. He literally ignored me and my brother (my dad's step-son) and his only bio grandchild (my son) in favour of his new wife's 7 kids and 22 grandchildren. God only knows what your SD is thinking.....but I think if you read the book, it will help you understand both her point and yours, and provide some advice for your husband in how to handle his daughter.
2) I have told my DH that if SD cannot respect me as his wife, she is not welcome any longer in our home. Mind you, that is easier for me as she does not live close. In your case, I would simply say she is welcome as long as she respects you and your husband's relationship and observes appropriate boundaries. As far as this sitting on your DH lap - that should have been stopped by him long ago. When the baby comes, he's got a perfect out - his lap is the baby's place now, not hers. She is going to be a mom - time to grow up. And this has to come from DH, not you.
3) As I know I will not be allowed involvement in my step-grandchildrens' lives, and since my SD has openly admitted to hating me, I have disengaged from the situation. It is up to DH to deal with her from now on. You are right when you say your DH might not believe you. Mine knows how she treats me, but still makes excuses for her, and has even gone as far as to blame me when I have stood up for myself. By simply not caring any longer, I have removed all her power to hurt me. Read my postscript - it's a quote from the book I recommended. It takes wisdom and maturity to offer love, but also to walk away when it's not wanted.
4) Since my DH whined about seeing his grandkids, I encouraged him to go out and visit with his daughter and kids. But I won't be going - especially since I know I wouldn't be welcome in her home. (DH says I can't say that, as, "after all, she DID send you a birthday card..." God our husbands are so naive sometimes..). I refuse to be belittled by this girl any longer. And my home is my sanctuary, so she and her obnoxious husband are no longer going to violate that sanctuary. I deserve my peace of mind.

Read my blog post - you'll see what I mean. I truly wish you luck in the future. Let us know how things go when the baby is born. Be supportive to your hubby in his role as grandpa, but don't assume that she wants you to grandparent also. I learned that one the hard way and got my heart sliced up in the process.