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Ok what’s the deal with all these Violent kids?

Bethmay97's picture

Ive read on here more than once about kids Physically attacking their parents and/or telling them they want to kill them.  Think there was one who went after DH with a Baseball bat! Good lord! 

So my question is HOW in gods name does this get so bad and why? I totally understand if the bios spoil and never give consequences the kid will be a brat BUT turn into a Raging psychotic lunatic that threatens to KILL their parents??? I don't think so. I know a lot of spoiled bratty teens and NONE of them have assaulted their parents or told them they are going to kill them. To me this is a Extremely angry teen not just a kid with no rules but why?

ESMOD's picture

I don't know if this is a 100% new or not.  When I was in HS.. there were a couple of boys that killed their father and stepmom.. rolled their bodies up in blankets and took the parent's car and credit card and went on a blowout spending spree/vacation.  It took a while for people to catch on that parents weren't around I guess.. but kids were found at a resort about a week later.  

This was the early 80's.. so it's not like "bad seeds" are completely new.

I do think that there are a few factors that are making this issue worse.. 

1.  Two income households and parenting farmed out to daycare and schools.  I absolutely support and appreciate the fact that I am able to earn a good living as a woman.  But, I do think that kids are way better off when they have parents who are actively involved in their upbringing.. for more than a couple of hours a day so to speak.  And when both parents are working..commuting.. trying to keep up with house and home.. there just is often not enough time to really spend with kids that would be much more beneficial to them.  I'm not saying that it is the "woman's" job to be the one to be the SAHP.. but I think many kids would benefit from having a parent home with them during their formative years... (at least until FT school).

2.  This seems counter intuitive to what I just said.. but homes have gotten to be too child centric.  My brother and his wife focused so much on "not letting their child be unhappy".. for example.. the boy didn't like riding in cars.. no long trips for them.. he didn't like it.. vs my parents and my DH who basically didn't approach this as even an OPTION that the child had a say.  I mean, I get my nephew is an active kid.. but he could have benefited from learning some patience by getting through some longer trips in the car.  Giving the children too much power.. putting them on equal footing with the parents is part of the problem too.

3.  More divorce... this just leads to a bunch of issues.. and again... I don't think that kids appreciate until they are older that "toughing out a sucky relationship for the sake of a child" is not so easy.. Certainly my OSD is learning that now because she has 2 of her own kids.. and her relationship with her husband can be rocky.  But, splitting of homes.. introducing new partners that may not have an interest in the kids.. resent them etc.. and then the dynamic of the parent's battles being fought through their kids too.. I don't think kids get a total pass for being "poor little COD".. but there is something to this existance that is unnatural and difficult for everyone involved.  

4.  Life in general has become faster and more instant gratification.. video games.. electronics.. kids have a lower threshold for patience because they don't experience that much.

5.  Exposure to violence and more adult themes in social media and on entertainment.. music, video.. TV etc...

All of these things factor in... 


tog redux's picture

Honestly, I think this kind of thing has always happened. Cain and Abel, Lizzie Borden, etc. Family violence has always been a thing.

It's just more publicized and everyone hears about it now.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Didnt she kill her dad and SM? Trying to recall

notarelative's picture

Lizzie Borden was found not guilty of killing her dad and step mom at trial after a 90 minute deliberation. When I visited the house a few years ago, the tour guide suggested that the jury (all men) could not believe this upper class young woman could perpetrate such a crime.

Thumper's picture

About Lizzie Borden.  Oh I believe she did it.  It was very personal...whack whack whack.



BPDHell's picture

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I was reading an article that was reporting on a study that showed a large number of children display psychotic traits in childhood, but the majority grow out of it by the time they hit puberty. Researchers aren't sure why. Why do most of these kids develop into normal, functioning adults while others become hot messes or violent hot messes?  There are no hard and fast answers, but I can say that the research I've done into the personality disorder my SKs are diagnosed with says that having a difficult relationship with the primary caregiver is a risk factor and appears to be a risk factor in a lot of mental health issues:

Environmental Risk Factors

Of all environmental factors that place a person at risk for developing borderline disorder, those associated with poor or uninformed parenting appear to be the most critical.(9,11,12) These include early separation from one or both parents, repeated emotional, physical or sexual abuse by someone within or outside of the family itself, and inconsistent, unsupportive care. Poor parenting can also include failing to protect the child from repeated abuse by the other parent, another member of the family, or an outsider.

We've been watching this show called Evil Lives Here on Discovery+ and it has been eye opening. It's a crime documentary that details, from the perspective of someone who was closely involved with or related to the perpetrator, very violent crimes. In several of these cases it's the criminal's parents or stepparents who detail the struggles they had with out-of-control behavior by their child that was being displayed very young that lead up to the crime. But in ALL the cases of mass shootings they have covered so far, the father excused, buried, and ignored bad behavior that absolutely should have been addressed. The one we watched last night was the two bio parents who ended up divorcing because the dad REFUSED to address, acknowledge, or question the son from a young age when he was having behavioral issues. The first show in the series was about a dad who refused to address his son when he tried to poison his stepmom! He kept telling his wife his son was 'joking' (they ended up divorced). In both instances the boys grew into adults who committed mass shootings. Shocking. Not really.

The tag line for the show is "there were signs", but in all cases the signs were ignored. We see a LOT of that on this site, sadly. Not that all these kids will grow up to be killers or mass shooters, but it is more likely than average that they will grow up to have SOME kind of life problems and it will often involve the law. My SS has a criminal record now and he's a young 20-something, he has years more of jail and prison time ahead of him if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass. We've tried to help him pull his head out, but he likes it there. So we sit back and wait.

Bethmay97's picture

DH will make excuses for SS's behavior. If SS is rude/Disrespectful to me and I tell DH he will go "talk" to SS and come back to me saying SS was just "joking" and it gets dropped. If SS is rude to me in front of DH he will say he "did not hear it" or I'm over Sensitive and DH did not think it was rude. 

BPDHell's picture

My SS mostly does not deal with me directly, because I won't tell his dad, I'll chew him a new asshole. I have no problem going toe-to-toe with him and I will call the police and press charges and he knows it. He uses aggression to bully, which is why he's been banned from his mom's house (he threatened her new husband) and no one else in the family will deal with him.

He also told me just a few months into dating his dad that he won't deal with me because, in his words, "I can't mess with you and get you mad". What he meant was he can't manipulate me, I see through it and call him out which pisses him off. Therefore, I exist as the gatekeeper to our home and lives. He hates me but has to be nice to me if he wants us to continue doing the little bit we still do for him. This is why he isn't allowed at our home unless his dad is here, I know he hates me and I don't want to get in a physical altercation with my SS, so the less time we have together the better. Because of his recent behavior with stealing and doing gross stuff to the house (passive aggressive behavior directed at me because he can't attack me directly, I  believe), I am pushing to ban him from the house. DH wants to still allow him here in the main living area with supervision, but he recently started meeting him outside our home because he knows I'm fed up. We'll see where it goes from here.

SS can and does manipulate his dad and that's where we run into problems. DH buys his BS and I feel like I have to de-program SS's brainwashing of DH after they spend time together. He is also very disrespectful to his dad, which I've pointed out to my DH. In my world, there are consequences for this behavior; but DH makes excuses ad nauseam. As the SS gets older and his behavior gets worse (and harder to defend), DH is coming around. It's just a slow process. It appears watching this tv show has actually helped our situation, because DH is seeing himself and his son in some of these stories and he isn't liking what he's seeing!

Winterglow's picture

So call him out when it happens. "That was incredibly rude! How dare you treat me like that?" Make it so that your dh can't wimp out. Refuse to be spoken to/treated like that. You wouldn't let a co-worker behave like that towards you so why does he get to do it. Tell your dh to rein him in or you'll do it your way. 

SamiPix's picture

Once again, this disrespectful kid (SS14) is out of control.  We found vaping and weed paraphernalia in his room and of course it got taken away and there was a very loud conversation about it.  Find out today day after he is dropped back off at mother's that he texts his father being a disrespectful brat and that he is threatening first to hurt himself if we don't give it back.  Second, HCBM calls DH hysterical shortly thereafter saying that he has threatened to hurt/kill-- we don't know which because she won't be specific -- DH and me.  SS14 knows I have an orange belt in TKD and MMA, and I will wipe the floor with him. That being said, I wouldn't want to resort to that.  He is bigger than me and I am very concerned he has now once again made specific threats.  We were supposed to have him this weekend but HCBM wants to keep him because she is worried he might do something.  I'm at a loss here.  I know the kid has issues, but threatening to kill us?  

Venting... not even sure what I'm going to do.  HCBM promised DH she would get him seen this week.  This on the heels of SD23 threatening me last year with an "ass kicking" which is hilarious, but I've come to a slow rapid boil.  She's been banned from my home and I don't know what to do about the 14 yo.  This is all becoming too much.  Been with DH for almost 3 years, married almost 3 months and this fuckery is what I'm dealing with.  I don't want to have to defend myself against either kid if they come at me, but I will if pushed.  How do you deal with this shit, honestly?