I don't blog much on this site as I really don't put up with even a third of the bs that most of you do. Yes there's a BM, yes she's nuts, stupid and inadequate to look after SS13, and hence he lives with us 24/7. Her life is going no-where and although SS13 longs to live with her and not with us (probably because I can't replace her in his life..and also because we have rules, manners and norms in our house which are alien to her and her family!)but also because she cannot afford to look after him, as she lives with her loser 'toy-boy'in his mother's house and has a low-paying job.

Nevertheless, my story at this time concerns me and how I am feeling at the moment and also for a long, long time. I have been on a multitude of anti-depressants since my first marriage broke up in the early nineties when my husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant with our son (now 20 yrs old). It was an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship which towards the end became violent when he strangled me in front of our son (then 3 yrs). I survived and then moved away. I met hubby #2 a week after this incident and a year later we got married. He says I forced him to marry me because I needed a father for my son. Truth is I gave him an ultimatum, as I did not believe in living in sin (was quite religious in those days!) and also exH was trying to prove me a bad mother so that he could get custody...I was scared. Marriage #2 went reasonably well until dh#2 started being emotionally unfaithful with our best friend's wife and was caught undressing her at a party (I had gone home with the kids). It all went downhill from there and the last straw was when our neighbour caught him texting his wife while they were making love one night and came across to confront ME about it. I packed up and left the next day..too embarrassed to live in that place any longer. 6 years later we are still not divorced, as he won't give me my share of the accrued estate, he is now bankrupt and has nothing. Our lawyers managed to screw the case up so badly in the courts, that it is going to cost a heap to get it back on track. FH & I met on a cellphone dating service 18 months after I left H #2. We have been together now for 4 years and very happy (despite the skid issues).

My problem is that I just can't find a joy for life. I wake up depressed and tired every morning. I have thoughts of suicide, thoughts of depair on a daily basis and although I love my FH to bits and he is so understanding, I find myself so irritable and snappy around him and the kids. He works 3 jobs, so our time together is very limited and we always long for the kids to go to their other parents for the holidays, so that we can spend time together, but lately, we seem to fight such a lot. I have been on so many anti-depressants since the 90's and have yet to find one that actually works. On top of all this, I think that I am entering the 'change'and my hormones are flying around. FH managed to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, but reminded me that we are not on insurance and it is going to cost quite a bit. I feel so bad, but also feel that if I don't sort this out, I am going to do something I will regret. I have such angry thoughts lately towards SS13 and not unfounded sometimes because he is a prize as*hole but evil thoughts...which are not in my nature! He built a scanty weathervane with twigs and string and dad is raving about it...and I just want to go and kick it over to prove that it is scantily done and deserves more planning and better structure....why do I want to do this? I think I am going insane. I take tabs only for anxiety at the moment and they space me out, but at least they stop me from being too unreasonable and explosive. I feel for my BD11 as she doesn't deserve to have her mom like this. And FH doesn't believe in depression as an illness and thinks that his love and care of me should be enough to heal me. He just doesn't understand what it's like to suffer like this. Years back, my then psychiatrist told me that I would have to stay on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, as I have already had 2 major psychotic experiences and the 3rd would throw me over the edge into an institution. I argued with him that day because I wanted to get off the stupid tablets! He stood his ground. Well since then I have done my own thing, mainly due to lake of funds and also taking other GP's opinions to try other drugs. Stupid, I know.

Sorry...just needed to vent. I don't have close friends, as I was really burnt in the past with allowing 'friends'to get close to me and my relationship.