Obtaining An RO Against BM
BM has been repeatedly told not to approach, communicate, or initiate contact with me or my BD6. My BD6 and I do not approach, communicate or initiate contact with her.
BM has a history of instability, allegations against both me and DH, and I don't trust her, nor do I personally want to be around her. I also feel that it is my right and responsibility as my BD's mom to protect her from anyone that I feel may threaten her safety, even if emotionally.
So, she has been told no less than two times before today, including a lengthy conversation with DH last June after which he stated that she "got it".
This morning, I dropped my BD off at school. DH drove SD10 in a separate vehicle because they (he, SD and BM) had a meeting with the teacher before school and had to leave earlier. We have SD EOW and this is our week. It was rainy here (buh-bye sunshine), so all the kids went to the multi purpose room instead of the playground before school. I am driving to the gym and I get a call at exactly 8:25 from the school "BD6 is okay, but she's crying hysterically because SD's mom waved and said hi." I talked to BD and calmed her, I told her she didn't do anything wrong. I also want to be clear that I have told her she's not to be scared (although she was), but that BM is a stranger to her and me and there is no reason for her or I to interact with BM.
After hearing my BD so upset, I decided it was time to do something about this woman who continues to violate our boundaries. I tried to first file a harrassment police report. They sent me to one courthouse and told me I need to get an RO. That courthouse sent me to another courthouse, which by the time I got there, I was 10 minutes past the time for filing for the day. I'm going back tomorrow to file.
Anyone with similar experiences?
I think you have to do
I think you have to do whatever to protect your child.
Are you the poster who's BM tried to kidnap their DD?
That's not me, but I think
That's not me, but I think that would warrant more than an RO. How terrifying! But I am trying to maintain a very clear boundary so that it could never escalate to that type of situation.
Thanks, Echo. She waved and
Thanks, Echo. She waved and addressed her by name. I am unclear of the proximity, though since the MPR was crowded with kids and parents (we live in helicopter parent land), she would have to have been close.
I have not conditioned my daughter to fear this woman. I realize that it appears that way. I know about as much about BM as I need to know, to know that I feel uncomfortable with her around my BD, and my ex (BD's father) agrees with my course of action. I want to be clear that BM has made false allegations against my DH (while they were married) and false child abuse allegations against me. There is sizable list of dishonest and/or inappropriate things she has done. I truly don't know what else she is capable of saying or doing to or around my daughter, as she even has a history of bringing up adult issues to her own daughter.
There is no cost (other than time) associated with filing and obtaining an RO in my area. In fact, the person who suggested it is a paralegal for a family law firm. She's seemed pretty confident that I could get one, but like you, I know there is a chance of being denied.
In the meantime, DH has yet again (for the third time that I can remember) told BM to leave me and my daughter alone. I have the screenshots of those texts (too bad I didn't have the foresight to get the prior ones), and I will be hanging on to those or any others that may come out of her violating our boundaries .
Thanks for your input, Echo. Even though I may not always follow your advice, I truly do appreciate your point of view.
Thanks...you're one of the
Thanks...you're one of the members here who is extremely level headed (IMHO), so I look forward to reading your input. No nonesense, and I like it!
Yes I posted below. In short,
Yes I posted below. In short, I kept the request about BD. I asked for no contact from BM and that she maintain a minimum 10 yard distance from BD. It takes 24-48 hours for a judge to review and either deny or grant a temporary restraining order. I have to call back tomorrow after noon to see if the order is ready. They can't tell me over the phone if it was approved or denied, so when it's ready, I need to go to the courthouse and pick it up. If it was approved, the TRO will be in effect until a hearing, which would be within 3 weeks. BM can go to this hearing and contest it or not, but I have to appear if I want to follow thru. I'll post once I know if we got the TRO or not.
Same as I what I was
Same as I what I was thinking....
I'm sorry but you are really
I'm sorry but you are really over reacting on this one. She waved across a room... So what?? What would you prefer her to do? Ignore your child who is a sibling to hers?! Sorry to put it bluntly but you are being ridiculous.
Thank you for your reply. As
Thank you for your reply. As I stated above, she waved and addressed my daughter by name in a crowded MPR, so I'm thinking she was much closer than across the room. And let me ask you this: if it were a male relative of SD whom we had suspicions of inappropriate interest in children, it would be okay to ask for an RO? But since this is SD's BM and she has a history of shady behavior, I just have to accept it? Uh, no. It is my right and responsibility to protect my child against anyone who I feel could pose a threat. BM doesn't get a pass because she's BM.
OMG what is with the
OMG what is with the touching?! BM came up to me and BD at a school event last year when I told DH that she could send SD over to me when she had to leave (it was a mom/kid event and this was when BM was in beauty school--which she dropped out of, btw). She said hi to BD and touched her on the head. This was right before she was told a scond time to leave us alone. She could have easily just sent SD to us and waved. I'm weird about unsolicited touching, even of myself from anyone I am not close to, unless it's something mutual like a handshake or other nicety. I feel as if it's a way for someone to try and weasel their way into some kind of faux intimacy. I don't like unsolicited touches from strangers--I think it's invasive and inappropriate.
Your first paragraph was spot on. I had a really tough time even deciding to post this, because when I'm flustered (which I was really bad yesterday), I have a really hard time sorting my thoughts to make sense. You conveyed what I feel I wasn't able to when I posted. Thanks, punkin.
Games for sure. I was nodding
Games for sure. I was nodding my head the whole time I was reading your post. Thanks for your reply.
I sort of agree with everyone
I sort of agree with everyone here... Yes, get the RO. You could be totally right that it starts small and escalates, best to nip it in the bud now. You're totally within your rights to not want BM to have any contact with your daughter - and zero contact means ZERO.
But I also agree that it is more than a little concerning that your BD freaked out to such a degree. I believe you haven't "conditioned" her, but kids pick up SO MUCH that you don't mean for them to (you know that) and clearly she's picked up enough to be freaking terrified. You NEED to address that, her reaction is NOT NORMAL. Don't dismiss it or think getting the RO is all you need to do - your daughter needs help dealing with this, make sure that you get her some.
I did address her reaction
I did address her reaction with her. She said the thought she was going to be in trouble. Again, she has never been threatened with consequences over this. I w as extremely clear with her yesterday that she did nothing wrong.
My guess is that my daughter
My guess is that my daughter reacted that way because she thought she would be in trouble. The reason I think this is because she calmed down when I told her she didn't do anything wrong and that she wasn't in trouble. Later in the day, I told her again and she told me that she had thought she was. I don't want this to sound worse than it is--again, she has not been told or lead to fear this woman. I have posted here before (under my old username) about my BD's slight anxiety issue. We manage it by helping her experience different things in a way that feels safe and predictable to her. When it comes to issues of an adult imposing themselves on her, when they have been previously told to stay away, we (and anyone for that matter) should be able to reasonably expect that the adult will stay away. It threw her off, I'm sure. She went thru her school day without incident and was happy and relaxed when I picked her up and for the rest of the day.
Thanks for helping me sort my thoughts on this.
I don't know if your state
I don't know if your state does it. But a "no contact order" might be easier to get. Then she breaks that and automatic ro
This would be preferable, as
This would be preferable, as she doesn't really need to be "restrained" as much as she just needs to understand that "don't communicate, approach, or initiate contact" means NO CONTACT. I didn't see that option covered on the website, but it pretty much would be what I any to accomplish.
She has been told to stay
She has been told to stay away from a minor child and continues to push it. She makes my daughter uncomfortable and the situation had her feeling distressed. BMis an adult and should have the self control to stay away. My daughter is a little girl who is a people pleaser and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time panics when this woman is around. In our state a civil harrassment restraining order can be granted if "You are scared or seriously annoyed or harassed." In my opinion (and a court may disagree), being told repeatedly to stay away, and continuing to violate that qualifies. I am seeking the order for my daughter, as BM is intimidated by me and will not approach. I just want to protect my daughter during those times when Mama Bear isn't around.
On my way to drop the girls at school and head to court.
Why does your BD panic when
Why does your BD panic when Bm is around? What does she do to make her uncomfortable?
Even if the answer is 'nothing' - you told her to stay away & she should. I would try for a no cnotact or RO, whichever is easier to get.
But I do think you should keep your daughter out of adult business, so she won't feel anxiety over anyone that she feels you dislike or have issues with.
I have a similar situation.
I have a similar situation. The BM has bullied me for years. Now my girls have to go the public school that she is an administrator at. I requested from the principal that if any communication from the office needs to be given to my kids, that it come from someone other than BM. I also requested that BM just pretend that they are not there. Don't give my kids any special attention. I thought that the request was reasonable. Well she has violated the request several times. Just a little bit more each time. I finally went to the superintendent. It seems to have helped a little. If she violates my request one more time I will try to pursue an RO also. I totally understand how your DD feels. All it takes for my kids if for her to talk to them and they are very uncomfortable. They know how awful of a person she is and do not respect her. I think that just the sight of her makes them squirm and they are in middle school. They understand the horrible things she has done to try and break up our blended family. Hang in there! If I were you, I would at least try for the RO. Maybe she will see that your request was serious. If anything now you can go on record in court so that she knows to leave your DD alone.
Sounds like how it would be
Sounds like how it would be if my SD's BM worked at the school. It's like these women feel that their very loose association with our kids entitles them to insert themselves into our kids' lives.
I understand that you are in
I understand that you are in the middle of things with the BM. Don't think about winning the battle, think about winning the war. Taking out a restraining order will only inflame what sounds like quite a nasty situation already. you do this then she will do something back - tit for tat and so on.
She said hi to your child- she is not a sex offender according to what you originally said so you have to calm down and see this for what it is: Your husbands ex who said hello and waved.
You have to see the wood from the trees which is why this forum is so helpful as independent commentators can assess a situation without the emotion that you feel. I wasn't being mean in my earlier comment by the way.
I understand your point and
I understand your point and my DH and I have considered it. Two years ago, however, she was warned by a detective about making false allegations, due to her having made false allegations for the second time. The first time was when she and DH were on the verge of separation and she made sexual assault allegations against him. The second time was when she made child abuse allegations against me. Let her file against me. I'm ready, so she can bring it on. Like I said earlier, she doesn't get a pass just because she's SD's BM. I will not allow anybody to repeatedly walk over and ignore my or my family member's boundaries. Enough is enough.
She sounds mental and much
She sounds mental and much worse than my interfering BM who is an annoying bitch face in so many other ways..... Doesn't sound like she will get better any time soon. If my stepkids mother levelled a child abuse allegation at me I would be straight on the phone to the police. That is just psycho and such an unfair thing to do. She sounds like an extremely unhappy woman,
She is extremely unhappy.
She is extremely unhappy. Shortly after SD10 was born, she started telling DH that she wanted to move back to her country of origin. He told her no--he was the breadwinner, his job is here, she moved willingly and that they were staying. She chose to fixate on being miserable here. About a month before they separated, they had an argument about divorcing and she asked what they would do about SD, and he told her that SD stays here--she is an American, he is her father, she's only ever lived here. BM slapped DH across the face (his father witnessed this). He should have had her ass arrested then. Two weeks later is when she alleged that he raped her. He ended it that very day, but was paranoid, because he knew now that she would stop at nothing to try and take SD to her country of origin. Never thought I'd get dragged into it, but that's exactly what happened almost two years ago, when she made false child abuse allegations against me. I don't trust her. I don't know what else she is capable of, and I don't want her involved with my daughter in any way.
There's a bit of the backstory for you all. I hate the drama. I wish she would just move back to her country of origin and leave us alone.
ETA: She sees DH (and by association, me) as the only obstacle keeping her from packing up SD and moving back across the pond.
I filed on behalf of my BD
I filed on behalf of my BD only, for no contact and for BM to maintain a minimum distance of 10 yards from my BD. I am in no way trying to inconvenience or inflame BM, I didn't want to do anything ridiculous that would prevent her from picking up or dropping off SD, or from attending school events. I kept myself out of the order (other than being guardian ad litem), because I can tell BM to kick rocks if she bothers me--which she won't. Which, BTW, is the reason I feel this order is warranted in the first place. She's been told to stay away from me AND my daughter, but she is continuing to attempt to connect with my daughter. That is not okay. No adult has the right to connect with a child when they have been told by the parents to stay away. Period.
Aren't you afraid that the BM
Aren't you afraid that the BM will use this against you and start some shit about SD's visitation? Like, pick ups, drop offs, school functions oops can't make SD visit because I might violate RO accidentally.
- I know you think you can specify places she can and cannot be around your daughter, but in my experience (family law paralegal as a matter of fact) when one member (usually BM against SM, but this is reversed) files a RO against the "opposing" side, it causes way more chaos than necessary. I realize she was basically gas lighting you yesterday, but if she's crazy expect some big fireworks about this.
DH and BM have 50/50, EOW. BM
DH and BM have 50/50, EOW. BM drops SD off at school on Monday, we pick up. She drops off at the back of the school (closer to SD classroom) I drop off at the front. On her week, she picks up from school on Monday. And so on. During breaks from school, the parent starting their parenting time picks up. My DH has already said he will have BM meet him elsewhere to pick up from him, if necessary, and DH would continue to pick up SD from BM's house at the beginning of his week. An order requiring her to maintain a minimum distance from my BD would not keep her from attending school events, etc. it would simply keep her away from my BD. After this school year is over, SD goes on to middle school and our girls won't be in the same school again.
On the one hand I think good
On the one hand I think good for you on taking the bull by the horns. On the other hand from my experience of ex wives you have just kicked a hornets nest. But my way of doing things means I am probably storing up the stress she causes inside- its going to come out one of these days like a volcano!
And to all who are concerned
And to all who are concerned about my BD's reaction. It concerns me, as well. I posted under my old username (deleted the account) about my BD and what appeared to be separation anxiety. She seems to fixate on things, then gets really anxious and panics. First, it was garbage trucks. Silly as it sounds, it was a real, meltdown inducing fear. Apparently she and her Gma were walking one day and nearly got run down by a garbage truck driving un safely on a narrow street. A complaint was lodged against the driver by Gma. But after that, I couldn't rationalize with her about garbage trucks. She would just lose her mind. I finally contacted the local waste management company about bringing her in to face her fear. I took her to their office, we got to meet the owner of the company, he talked to her about safety and everything, then we went out for her to see and sit in a truck. She still doesn't like big loud trucks, but no more meltdowns.
Now, it seems to have shifted to separation anxiety. She's always saying "Mom?" To check where I am and when I answer, she says "I love you". She recently entered a mommy phase (after being in a major daddy phase for most of her life), so I don't know if that's part of it. But she had a meltdown a few months ago where she didn't see me come back in from the garage and panicked screaming and crying outside...I was wondering aloud who the kid was that was "going nuts at the pool" and when I didn't get an answer, I jumped up to check and she wasn't on the couch (which I had walked by moments earlier and she had been there). I opened the door to our stairwell and she was making her way up the stairs, in complete hysterics. I've been working with her on this by doing small things, such as standing outside a restroom and waiting for her (like at the store, for example), rather than go in with her. I want to help her build her confidence. She has never been left behind or anything. So again, I don't know where this comes from.
My DH and I were talking last night and he is wondering if the garbage truck thing really traumatized her and has left her a little rattled? We don't know, but I think I am going to talk to her dad about us getting her in counseling, just to get to the bottom of this anxiety issue she has where she completely melts down. She is not one of those crying, screaming, bratty kids. She is adored by her teachers, communicates at a high level for her age, has many friends and is one of those kids that wakes up happy every morning (with no adult assistance) and ready to take on the world! This anxiety issue really stumps me!
Thanks again everyone for your opinions and input.
I remember you & your
I remember you & your daughter! Hopefully some counseling can help her not feel so stressed all the time. My SD just turned 7 & she's extra high strung right now. About weird stuff, like if you laugh around her she's like "ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME!?" it's so weird. She talks really fast & gets herself all stressed out about anything, even making those stupid rubberband bracelets. So some of it may be age... but I would still see about a counselor because of the garbage truck incident.
Have you talked to her
Have you talked to her pediatrician about it? Since they see TONS of kids, he should be able to give you a feel for how likely it is to be just the age, or if the garbage truck incident maybe warrants some counseling.
Did they approve the order?
Did they approve the order?
Sorry for the delay, I've
Sorry for the delay, I've been busy since my feet hit the floor this morning. I have an update.
So, I picked up the paperwork at the courthouse today. The request for a Temporary Restaining Order (which is filed for when you file for an RO) was denied and a hearing has been set for a Restraining Order. Based on what I read here, I had braced myself for this and I respect the denial and feel okay about it. I had been devising a plan either way, and have decided not to proceed. The reason for this is that since the TOR was denied, I feel the chances of having an RO granted are very, very low. The reason for the denial (as a few of you said) is as follows: "In addition to causing the petitioner [which was BD, I was only guardian ad litem] substantial emotional distress, the conduct must be the kind that would cause a reasonable person substantial emotional distress. Calling someone by her name does not meet that standard."
My thoughts (bear with me, I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself) go like this...let's say I chose to proceed...BM gets served with the papers and given a court date. Service would be by our county sheriff's office, as it is free with an RO. So, then she has 3 weeks to stew and plot and plan. Court date comes and the order is denied. Now, not only will I have opened the Gates of Hell, but BM would then also feel empowered and/or entitled by the denial to do as she pleases. Plus, with the type of person she is (y'all know the type), there would likely be retaliation. I don't feel there would have been an issue if the TOR had been granted. At least not a huge one. Things have been relatively quiet from her for the past 9 months or so, and I'm not looking to awaken the SheBeast.
My sister had a really good point. She said to use this as a teaching opportunity for BD6 about how some people either don't know about or respect boundaries. BD knows all about boundaries, as we frequently discuss things like that with the girls. I'm also going to again let BD know that she never has to wave, acknowledge or speak to BM, and that she will not be in trouble.
DH sent BM a very strongly worded txt after she hadn't acknowledged the one he has sent 10 hours earlier on Wednesday, to which she replied "Got it. I'm done." So, I'm hoping that she really does get it, as she has said that before.
I'm feeling peaceful about this, which is actually a shock to me, because I was so distressed the past couple of days..thanks again everyone for your input, advice, and just reading this. I truly appreciate my StepFamily that I have here with you ladies (and a few men)!
(And if I forgot to include anything in this post, I'll post more--it's been a long, but surprisingly good day!)
And also, I wanted to share
And also, I wanted to share this...last night when DH and I were discussing things, he said, "We are a team. Let her play her stupid little games. I got you."
It was one of those things I know many, many SMs would love to hear from their DH or SO. We are a team, and BM is not included.
I told him how proud I was to hear him say that (he has come a looooooong way in the almost 5 years we've been together), and that I was gonna brag to the Steps here about it.
And you know what else? I think having his full, unwavering support like that is what is keeping me calm about this now. I don't have that feeling of uncertainty like "will he have my back on this?" Because I know he does.
Since the TRO was denied and
Since the TRO was denied and I've chosen not to follow thru with court, etc, she won't be served or made aware of the attempt to obtain an RO in the first place. But like I do agree that now we have drawn a line in the sand.