Nurse here on the front lines. Is DH being Selfish?
I’m a nurse in New York working 40 plus hrs a week dealing with Overwhelming stress the Coronavirus is causing to our state. Working Long hours with not enough Supplies to properly protect us. DH is a high school teacher who Obviously is home now for god knows how long. He has to meet online with his class a few times a week and answer emails his students may have about the work he gives out. This equals maybe a few hours work a day.
Ive asked DH if he could help me out with some of the housework I Usually do since he’s home. DH was home all last week and he got two rooms Vacuumed, dishes done a couple of times and a couple of loads of Laundry.
I was Slightly irritated as nothing else got done and I had to do it over the weekend. DH gave me an Attitude that he cleaned the basement(man cave and I could care less) and worked on his side Business(selling things on eBay and again could care less as the money DH makes goes to pay BM or shit for the step brats). I really needed HELP in the things that I had to do like cleaning the main house.
Another thing is DH will never clean up/put away anything I brought into the house or belongs to me. Over a week ago I Purchased a package of toilet paper and did not have time to put it away. It STILL sits by the kitchen door. Would it kill DH to put it away for me?? DH has NO problem going around after step brat cleaning up after him. DH Constantly leaves dirty clothes all over the place which I pick up when I do laundry but my clothes that were on the floor DH just left.
Now I don’t expect DH to be my maid. But in this time Of crisis when I’m overstressed and super busy at work it would be nice If DH made an effect to do a little more to help me out. It’s like he’s only doing things that Either benefit only him or things that he wants to do.
DH is getting Irritated that I keep reminding him I need help but on the other hand I’m getting irritated that I have to keep asking.
Am I being Oversensitive
No, you are not. He is being
No, you are not. He is being an inconsiderate jerk at best.
Eff the mess, you need to rest.
My son is a CNA at a large metro hospital. It hasn't spread here nearly as bad as it has in NY and he is EXHAUSTED. Not only are they busy dealing with more patients, but the lack of supplies creates additional work also.
Is your husband always so inconsiderate?
Honestly I’m a very independent person and hardly ever ask
For help but the way DH is acting makes me think he’s always been like this. DH has a lot of stress between controlling in your face money grabbing BM and needy Clingy I can’t do anything for myself step brat. I think the stress trying to deal with those two is maxing DH out. I’m thinking if we had Reverse roles I would be ASKING DH what I could do for him Personally...pack a lunch, get his clothes out for work, running errands for him. As far as house work I would not even need him to ask I would just do it. Then again that’s just me
You hardly ever ask for help?
You hardly ever ask for help? That alone makes me angry! You shouldn't have to ask for "help". Taking care of your home is not your job. There are two of you living there and you should both be pulling your weight (I'm talking about under normal circumstances here) not you doing the donkey work and him having to be coaxed into lifting the tiniest of fingers. Frankly, if he were doing his fair share of chores, he wouldn't have to be told to "help" right now - he'd know what to do.
No, you are not being over-sensitive. You are doing a highly stressful job where you are saving people's lives, for goodness sake! Your DuH is behaving like a spoilt princess. I bet he expects admiration for every little thing he does around the house. Does he even have dinner ready for you when you get home, drained, after another exhausting day?
Please feel free to kick his lazy arse and tell him to get it into gear for me.
Is he a visitor? Otherwise I
Is he a visitor? Otherwise I don't understand why he needs to be "asked" to do stuff? Doesn't he live there? I could see if you were a housewife or if he was not living there full time.
EXACTLY
EXACTLY
Your DH is an a$$. We have
Your DH is an a$$. We have the same situation but in reverse. DH is a hospital RN and I am a high school teacher. I do ALL housework now since this shut down started as I only do stuff online, which doesn't take all day. We are on "shelter in place" lock down so I am not going anywhere. My DH works and endangers hinself and he appreciates that I do everything. Normally our responsibilities are 50/50
it baffles me what women put up with and find excuses for
" DH has a lot of stress
" DH has a lot of stress between controlling in your face money grabbing BM and needy Clingy I can’t do anything for myself step brat. I think the stress trying to deal with those two is maxing DH out."
Sheesh! poor ickle diddums. He sounds like a selfish, lazy arse to me. Like you say, most people wouldn't even need to be asked, they would roll their sleeves up and do what needs to be done - we all pull our weight at times of national emergency. Except your DH, it appears.
No kidding... boundaries with
No kidding... boundaries with the ex, discipline the kid. There goes a huge pile of his stress right there. Ugh.
Your DH should be doing
Your DH should be doing everything he can to support you right now, without needing to be asked or nagged. You’re putting your health on the line to care for everyone else and he can’t even put the freaking toilet paper away? What a dick!
At minimum stop doing anything for him. Don’t pick up his clothes, don’t do his laundry, cook him a meal, clean anything that he’s messed up. Above all you need your rest, you don’t need to be catering to or running after a man-baby who doesn’t understand how stressful things are for you right now. He’s one of the fortunate ones, he’s at home, still being paid, not expected to be doing a full workload and can take this time to relax right now. Many, many people aren’t that fortunate at the moment, including yourself, and instead of supporting you he’s sitting on his manbaby ass giving you attitude for asking him to help. I just can’t even. I’m so sorry he’s being this way, please take care of yourself. Thank you for everything you’re doing to keep everyone else as safe as possible. You deserve better than him, I’m angry on your behalf.
This. My DH is lazy - there
This. My DH is lazy - there it is. He has ADD and is lazy. So he's a disorganized, puts things off for his own pleasure and everything else is not important. I have to really push him to do things around the house. He's been a lot better lately, but since I've been working remotely lately, he's back slid. And after this past weekend when I finshed re-doing the window framing around the kitchen window, replaced an old door-knob, mowed the lawn, cleaned the bathroom, went to the grocery store (huge trip), got gas for the car, paid the bills, did a load of laundry, etc. And what did he do.....um, I don't know.
So I realized I am done yet again helping. I am not doing his laundry, helping move his piles of stuff around, or cooking dinner for he and YSD. He has time to do it. He can do it.
It's ok to let things pile up. If they get too bad, trash bag it. I've done that too - or just piled stuff on his side of the bed. It's not going to be in my way, then it'll be in yours DH.
You describe my DH, Cover.
You describe my DH, Cover. ADD and lazy about some things. No, I shouldn't have to ask him to load the dishwasher or do the laundry or take out the trash or pick up crap instead of stepping over it. But if I don't ask it doesn't happen and I get irritated.
My DH WILL make a list, and occasionally even consult it. So every morning he asks what he can do to help me. And I tell him. And usually it gets done. That's way better than fighting about it or feeling used. I long ago gave up on just trusting him to do something that was obvious to me.
I'm working from home now, and lo and behold the man did the laundry today without me asking. Will he leave the last load of wet stuff in the washer? Probably. But that's for tomorrow.
He is definitely not holding
He is definitely not holding his end of things up here. But.. for the benefit of the doubt.. do you think he maybe doesn't know "what" he should be doing? what to prioritize?
Maybe he needs to have a checklist of things you need for him to help take care of... so he understands what he really needs to prioritize.. otherwise.. he will continue to meander around and pick and choose how he spends his time.
Should she really have to
Should she really have to make him a checklist after a 12+ hour shift right now? He’s a teacher, so I’ll make the assumption that he’s an intelligent human being, can he not see that a pack of toilet paper in the hall needs putting away? If he’s used to running around picking up after his kid, can he not extend that assistance to his wife? Especially right now when she needs it the most? Can he not anticipate that she’ll need to eat when she gets home, or needs to take a lunch to work? That she’ll need to wash her scrubs to avoid transmission? I have a very, very difficult time believing he doesn’t know these things need to be done. I can only imagine the emotional and physical stress OP is under right now, she absolutely should not have to parent her husband and leave him a to do list to get him to help. I understand what you’re saying, and I think you’re very kind for giving him the benefit of the doubt, but with what’s happening right now he doesn’t deserve that. He should be supporting his wife, in any way he can. Full stop, no excuses. Anything less is simply selfish.
sure... he could be more
sure... he could be more thoughtful..but if she has always taken care of these things, he may really not feel he knows what to do.. obviously he is prioritizing or choosing to do things HE feels are productive..but maybe she DOES need to give him a roadmap... I know many think she should not have to.. but is what she is doing now working for her? no.. stuff isn't getting done and she is frustrated.. why not tell the dolt what she expects?
You could be right, I’m just
You could be right, I’m just glad I’m not married to such a useless human being. No adult should ever need to be told how to maintain their home or be considerate of their spouse. I feel for OP, she deserves his support.
she does 100%.... It sucks
she does 100%.... It sucks when you aren't being supported.
To be honest Regarding
My personal belongings DH may not know where these things go BUT Common items like toilet paper, cat food, soap he does. I get Frustrated after working 12 hours in pure Chaos to come home to a filthy house. The other day I had a free minute and called home and DH was pissed off because one of our cats pooped in the litter box and he had to clean it because it stunk. That’s the first time he’s ever. Oh DH will NEVER clean a litter box for me I have that joy at 11pm when I get home from working a double. I did just suggest making a reminder list to help me out and DH said “we can try that”. That’s hopefully but time will tell if he Actually does the things on the list or just Continue doing the things he wants
Your DH is not only selfish,
Your DH is not only selfish, but Monkeysee is right he is being a dick.
he should be doing all the household work and anything else he can do to make your life easier at this moment.
I want to say thank you to you and all the other nurses, doctors and health care professionals for everything you are doing at this time.
It's too bad that the general public can recognize the hard work, the stress and the long hours that you are putting in but your DH remains clueless. I hope he will pull his head out of this ass and step it up.
take care and stay safe.
Your DH is a selfish jerk. A
Your DH is a selfish jerk. A good man would be asking you what he can do to help, not only doing what is obvious or what you ask him to do. He's home all day and you're working in a high stress environment, so that's the least he can do.
Frankly, I expect that this crisis will have many people reevaluating their relationships and what they're getting out of them in terms of personal happiness and satisfaction.
Thank you for what you're doing.
Thank you for being on the frontline
You are one of the real heroes.
Which means your 'D'h needs to get off his lazy behind and start treating you that way. You should be coming home and being freaking pampered.
Im angry on your behalf.
Thank you all for the kind words
I would not trade my job for anything. I love what I do. It got me thinking DH NOT once during this outbreak told me how proud he was of me, how he respects what I do etc. I know he has it in him as he NEVER forget’s to Overpraise SS12 when he does the slightest thing. If SS12 puts HIS own dishes away or brushes his teeth SS gets “good job buddy” like SS is 3. I MAYBE get a have hearted “how was your day” while he’s watching tv. DH NEVER calls or texts me to see how I’m doing only if he needs something and can’t find it. Make me dinner??? Nope. I’m Usually so tired I order take out on my long days and DH won’t even join me most of the time. Joanna’s fabric is giving away “mask kits” and I called to ask if DH could pull out my old Portable sewing machine as I’m picking up a kit on the way home. I got a big sigh from DH and he said “where is it” like I was really putting him out. God forbid he would say dear don’t worry about it I’ll run out and get you the kit do you don’t have to. Quite honestly I would’ve been happy with him just saying he was glad I was able to find a kit so I can protect myself since we are running Extremely low on masks.
Why do you stay with this guy
Why do you stay with this guy?
I think it's high time you
I think it's high time you went absolutely effing nuclear on the guy! He's due for a major shake up and he's had things too good for too long. Let him know how things are gonna be as from YESTERDAY!
I agree. Seriously, does he
I agree. Seriously, does he have zero respect for you? Does he care at all?
Please tell this DH
that even the one kid-dult (19yo) at the house is pulling his weight. Cooking, tidying up (not as much as I'd like, but he's doing things), washing dishes, grocery shopping, and generally being conscientious about the situation.
My DH and I are both still working full days, and with the current situation and deadlines, sometimes longer days. And we both still manage to get things handled in the house to keep it livable.
Thank You
For EVERYTHING you are doing. You are my girl crush
Great job and I hope that your "D" H gets a clue and fast. Sounds like you really spoiled that man, and now he doesnt know what to do, because you trained him to be taken care of...
So - now that you need him, hes not there for you. I believe that this Pandemic emergency is going to put a lot of pressure on relationships that are already fragile balances. You really need to have a deep discussion, and go to all the icky places with him. I know that DH and I have our disagreements, but at the end we make up and really like and appreciate each other.
DH and I are both working currently, but I dont know for how long...hes a mechanic and depends on hours, and business has tapered off a lot. Im in Agriculture and plants dont know that everyone is on lockdown, they just keep fruiting.
Best wishes! Let us know how you are doing.
PS, there are thousands of orderes for home made masks. Too bad your Dh doesnt want to learn to sew..
What i have found is alot of men need direct instructions
meaning say there are a list of 10 things you do weekly. Start with the 3 biggest things he needs to do whilst you are at work.
So say that is do a laundry load and hang it to dry and fold
iron work cloths and the third one is vacuum and mop the home (allright that might be more than 3 activities lol) but you get the idea. Tell hubby it’s important these 3 things are done today.. don’t ask if he can, specifically tell him he needs to do it. It might not be done perfectly but if the laundry is clean but he’s crap at ironing, he’ll get better with time.
These few things become his routine and then you can ask he do 1-2 more things and explain they only take a few mins but help so much.
this got me results with my husband and made him lose his shit with his Adult ss for sitting on his arse all day.
YES!
he is being selfish while you are being selfless and putting your very life---and his life and your skids lives if they are with you on the line every day.
I am not in NY but THANK YOU for continuing to go into work, it's a very brave thing to do.
Your DH should be treating you like a superhero right now.
Yes, he's being selfish,
but it doesn't sound as if you've made your expectations clear, either. So retrain his a$$.
Okay, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he has mental deficits that limit his ability to comprehend basic housekeeping AND marriage vows. Do as Rags did with his SS after graduation, and turn him into your Chore Boy.
Explain to him (slowly and with small words) that you are working very, very hard, and that it's now his duty to keep the house in good order while you are fighting on the front lines of this GLOBAL BLEEPING PANDEMIC. Make that stupid kid's chore chart with a list of things he needs to do on the daily. Tell him you expect his full support and this is the new normal for the foreseeable future. Then, follow through. Praise him when he's a good boy, and rain h@llfire down on him when he fails to pull his weight.
Your DH acts like a selfish
Your DH acts like a selfish and lazy bastard. I hate such types of men who treat women like slaves. You aren’t obliged to do anything for him since he stays the whole day at home. In fact, he should meet you with an impeccable cleaned house and delicious dinner.