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Not sure what to do thinking of leaving for awhile..

WwCorgi7's picture

For anyone who has been keeping up with my story it's taken a sickening twist today. My SD has been gone for a year. She was jealous over us having a baby girl told us all she hated us and never wanted to see us again. DH has been trying to contact her and never hears back. BM fully supports and encourages this. We last heard from BM on Christmas she was having her new boyfriend harass DH over the phone. We were finally moving on and life was getting better when all the sudden hell breaks loose.

DH received a hysterical call from BM's family. BM and her boyfriend had a serious domestic altercation and were arrested (we can't get a police report yet). They were both released but no one knows how SD is doing or where she even is. SD has been completely brainwashed and now cut off from BM's entire family. No one at all has seen or heard from her since January. DH contacted BM's ex husband who told him that after he had all the kids for New Years BM cut him off from SD as well. No one knows where they live now or how to contact them. BM's ex husband says she only uses her new boyfriend's phone to contact him about custody exchange and nothing else.

From what we know BM disconnected SD's phone and will not let anyone see her or have contact. They moved to a new residence. Her new boyfriend has a violent, extensive criminal record and is a known drug dealer. According to family, BM is being physically abused and controlled and they are worried that the children and also being hurt. BM's ex-husband is filing for emergency custody tomorrow. He said his children have been abused and are scared to go back with BM. We called in a welfare check at the last known residence but no one can find them. BM was fired from her job so we cannot locate her there either.

DH is freaking out. He is going to court tomorrow morning to file whatever he can to get SD back. Does anyone know what he should file, emergency custody? According to family the last time they spoke to BM she was waiting for more time to pass to file abandonment charges on DH because SD was not seeing him. 

I am very worried. Given the nature of her new boyfriend's criminal history and threats. I am scared to be home. I am scared for my children to be sleeping in their room alone. I am terrified for what will happen once papers are filed and CPS is called. I have my issues with SD but would never want her to be in this situation. I am also scared of getting more custody of her. I am worried she will harm my children especially the baby. I am scared to be alone with her. She has done/said some disturbing things in the past and I am just worried about safety of my infant. I am considering living with my parents for awhile. DH told me I take the kids and leave if I don't feel safe. I just feel sick I am worried about what is going to happen and worried that something awful has been happening to SD. Does anyone know if there is anything else DH should file? Order of protection?

Rags's picture

You must do what you feel is necessary to protect your children.  Sadly, they have to be protected from their elder sister, the idiot BM and the criminal SF/BF.

I understand your DH doing what he can to protect his daugther, however, he cannot risk his young children in that process.

He has to be ready to get custody and then engage the State to get her in an RTF and kept completely away from her crack head BM, etc..... And away from your young children.  He needs a killer attorney to help navigate this process.

MaryBethC's picture

Please protect your bios first.  DH should be the one to find a new place for him and SD. She is the issue, not yours so you shouldn't be leaving your home if he gets custody.

WwCorgi7's picture

Well I'm afraid of retaliation. BM knows where we live. Crazy people, drugs, and weapons do not mix well. That's why he suggested I go to my parents so that I am not constantly looking over my shoulder or being afraid. We had some strange things happening outside recently so we installed security cameras and alarms.

WwCorgi7's picture

I just don't feel comfortable being here. It makes me sad having to leave. I love and support him but if he gets custody it is going to be a long road ahead of us. SD will need lots therapy and time to adjust. I refuse to be around her alone or have the kids around her for awhile. I don't think it would be safe. I am also scared of some type of retaliation from BM and her bf. There is heavy drug use involved and the new bf is a known affiliated gang member.

BM has nothing left to lose. She was actually fired from her new job as well so she is completely broke. She has no where to go, no vehicle, no cellphone , and is using the childsupport for SD to get by. She literally has nothing left. Her other children have claimed to have been physically abused by this man. They also have marks on them that back up their claim. BM threatened them not to tell their dad. He has filed police reports already and is filing to have full custody with supervised visits. Unfortunately, we don't know anything about SD at the moment.

thinker's picture

It sounds like a mess.  Not knowing the entire situation, it sounds like going to your parents' house with your baby might be a good option since you don't feel safe in your home, and you might feel even less safe with DH gone...?  That said, you may need to consult with an attorney in case this drama implodes your marriage, as there are consequences to leaving the house first, and if you do end up seperated or divorced, you will be worried everytime your child is alone with DH and SD, so you need to get this right from the beginning.  

BethAnne's picture

What a nightmare, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

There are obviously 2 issues here. First is finding SD and checking she is ok. With her mother being arested is their any chance SD ended up in  a care home or foster care and somehow your husband wasn't informed? If you can afford it I would hire a PI to track down BM, the boyfriend and SD or have your husband report SD as missing to the police and see if they can do anything to track them down. 

The second issue is your safety now and the safety if/when your husband gets custody of SD. Do what you feel is necessary to keep yourself and your kids safe. If that means adding extra security to your home or that you have to live separately from your husband for a short while then just do it. I would focus on the immediate concerns right now and work out the rest later. 

tog redux's picture

If he wants to try to get custody of SD, then HE needs to leave and find a small apartment to rent. It shouldn't be you and your small children who leave.

crystaloo's picture

When you marry someone with children you not only marry into a situation with children whom most likely have behavioral issues but also children whom are not yours which also means the ex and their family issues automatically become yours. This is not a healthy situation for anyone and is simply way too much baggage. We fool ourselves into thinking we have control over these situations when we do not. Take care of yourself. Putting yourself first when it comes to these situations is never a bad thing. Often it is necessary. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Although he suggested I leave at first, now he wants me here to care for her while he works. I told him my concerns and he is angry with me for not helping him. It's been a year since we have seen her. She is very unpredictable and has been isolated from everyone for the past 2 months. I have no clue who she is or what she is capable of doing or saying. SD was also very vocal about how much she hates the baby and wanted me to end the pregnancy. She has turned on everyone except BM. 

My husband just told me to do whatever I need to do. He will figure it out with SD. I have to put her room back together and pack our things. I have no clue how this will impact my children or their school schedules. Things were starting to go so well and now everything is uncertain.

IDontCare3117's picture

Don't start putting her bedroom back together just yet.  Wait until she is located and an emergency order actually issued.

Rags's picture

smh.  Why would he be upset about you not helping when she isn't even there?  What does he have to be upset with you about?  Abso-frickin-lutely nothing.

You need to tell him exactly this. Nothing in your home will change until he actually gains physical and legal custody of this kid.  If he can't ever find her. Nothing changes ... except you wire your home and property like it is Fort Knox and you enroll in fire arms training and a conceiled cary permit course, get your permit, and you carry.  Protect yourself and your kids if BM and her crack head gangbanger BF ever show up.

IMHO you have to drag DH into a state of reality pronto.  He needs to understand that you will not tolerate risk to your children and that you demand that he step up, stand at your side, and protect the family together.  Sadly, that includes protecting the family from the SD as necessary.  A toxic prior relationship kid can never be tolerated to jeopardize the quality of life of anyone or everyone else in the blended family.

Good luck and stand your ground.  Get in your range time and be prepared.

 

 

MaryBethC's picture

This is not your responsibility!  These DH/DW need to understand that it is our choice as a SP to be involved. They are owed nothing from us when it comes to their other family problems!.

 

Also these DH need to stop letting the **** hit the fan then expect us wives to pick up the pieces. Your BM sounds batty and if DH CARED for his daughter he would of gotten full custody a long time ago.

 

Yes it's  costly and can be a huge mental drain but when your kids well being is at stake you do what you have to to protect them.

 

Time and time again I see DHs being lazy and letting BM get their way and screw up kids. Do these men not realize if they just tried that they would get their kids away from these crazy women?

DPW's picture

Enough is enough. You need to finally do what is good for you and your children - screw DH and SD. How many times have you come last in your family dynamics. You know the bullshit with SD would have continued all through this last year if she had not stopped visiting and your DH would probably have disappointed you throughout all this year too. Regardless, you are here and now and he is again disappointing you and making you adjust for his baggage - ENOUGH! 

Protect your children, even if that means splitting from your DH for the time being. Take your time and see where the cards end up. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You can still support him but stay somewhere else with your baby.

He needs to call CPS, the school SD attends and file for emergency custody. He needs to request an OOP agathe boyfriend, but he will need the domestic report to show the boyfriend is a danger.

Once CPS is involved if he gets custody. He needs to insist they keep the case open and provide SD with services. Chances are she will axt out because she will be worried and scared for BM. If CPS keeps a case open in SD and she cannot be managed at home it's easier to move her to a children's residence for more intensive help.

Winterglow's picture

Frankly, in your shoes, I would leave ... and never look back. Your husband has made his priorities clear and you and the other children are nowhere near the top of the list.  He is utterly off-the-scale delusional if he even imagines for one minute that you would happily look after her while he's at work. 

FWIW, I think that if nobody can find her it's because she doesn't want to be found (she's told you that she wants no contact and if her mothers bf is beating her, or worse, she's not going to want to go back there). How old is she, by the way?

 

WwCorgi7's picture

Thanks you for the replies it's given me a lot to think about and made me realize I am not wrong or unsupportive for not wanting to care for her. My MIL is going to step in to care for her.

As of now no one can find SD. BM will not let anyone known where she is or speak to her. BM doesn't want her other children back and has let her ex-husband keep them. Both my husband and BM's ex-husband filed for emergency custody. The lawyer is just getting the police reports together. My husband called the school and while she is turning in homework, they are unable to contact or locate them. BM is back with the boyfriend but still no word on SD. BM told her ex-husband they were getting ready to leave to another state to start a new life. We just got the boyfriend's address and are sending a welfare check over there.

Winterglow's picture

Is it possible that she isn't letting anyone speak to SD or letting on where she is because she herself has no idea where she is?

Stepdrama2020's picture

Something dire has happened to SD so crazy BM is covering it up for her druggie con BF.?

Except If I read it right the SD is handing in homework? Is BM smart enough to do homework, doesnt sound like it. She sounds like a looney tune. 

But all avenues should be considered. I would never thought Id say this but dang I am worried for a SD! Sad

IDontCare3117's picture

The terms of their bond may require them to stay in the same state.  If that's the case, and they leave the state, fugitive warrants could potentially be filed against them.  

Rags's picture

Why would you facilitate financing BM's kidnapping and running with your SD?  Better to let them all starve so BM and her convict BF crawl out from under their rock and you can engage the authorities to take your SD away from that cesspool of genetic crap.

Rags's picture

Take a look at the last sentence in the OPs comment immediately above.

"We just got the boyfriend's address and are sending a welfare check over there."

Ahh hahh!  It is a well check on the kid, not a financial check.  In the US Welfare is a financial benefit.  I was thinking that along the lines of a bank check (cheque).

Pardon me.  I completely misinterpreted that comment.

My apologies.

WwCorgi7's picture

We are still sifting through all the information. SD's little siblings said they were scared to return home the bf is physically abusive to all of them. Last Thursday was the last time they were with BM and SD at the bf's house. So the kids saw SD briefly on Thursday, that's the last we know. There was a domestic incident Thursday and then a really bad one on Saturday night. 

BM's ex-husband offered her an out if she was being abused and told her he was taking the kids away if she didn't leave the situation. She refused and she told him he can have them. Ex-husband asked about SD but there was no response. The phone she was using was the bf's phone and it is now disconnected. Welfare check was unsuccessful as they were not home at the time. The emergency custody order has been filed but they said it will take a few days to track her down and have the judge sign off. 

My husband has called the police, CPS, and notified the social workers at school. The school is trying to see if SD will log into her zoom sessions to get in contact and try to find out her location. BM's whole entire family is calling us to try and find SD. The most helpful has been the ex-husband but now he has no way to contact her either. She only kept in contact for the kids but since she washed her hands of them they disconnected the phone.

WwCorgi7's picture

SD has been located sort of. BM is hiding out at her estranged father's home (we don't know where).We still can't get in contact with her. BM's family who called us begging for help have now turned their backs on us. BM's ex-husband has more family connections than we do and was able to reach her through her dad's phone. She is angry thinking her ex and my husband are ganging up on her. She says it was a one time mistake. I don't believe she broke up with this guy because SD followed her old pinterest account and she has been pinning stuff to a board with her boyfriend's name on it like crazy for the past few days.

BM still doesn't want SD to have contact with my husband. She did let her ex-husband have a short conversation with SD over the phone. He told SD we are all working together to get her somewhere safe and away from it. He told her that her dad still loves her and is worried. SD seemed to understand and is open to coming here. She was just relieved more than anything to be out of that house. 

Police reports are pretty bad but BM refuses to cooperate with police and she doesn't want anything to happen to her boyfriend. She is flat broke. We all think she kept SD for the childsupport now. Ex-husband doesn't pay her so she readily handed over the kids. She said if my husband gets to have SD for anymore time then it is pointless to keep her at all???

She is talking about leaving. She said there is nothing left for her in this town and she wants a fresh start. She already said a crappy goodbye to her other kids and told them their dad doesn't want them to see her ever again. She already had big plans to take off with her boyfriend and SD but now it sounds like she will leave her behind too.

If SD is not violent, in counseling and manageable without being a danger I will try with her. I feel bad she was put through a lot and more stuff keeps coming out so I'm sure we'll find out more. She is going to need a lot of support as her whole world has been flipped upside down this past year. We are waiting for the emergency hearing now.

IDontCare3117's picture

It's good to know SD is alive.  I was worried.  Do you have any idea at where the BM's dad's house is?  What county?

WwCorgi7's picture

I was too I saw that 20/20  wife of a grave digger or something like that and freaked out. We know it is in town but no clue where. These people move about every 3 months or less. The only person who knows is BM's mom but she turned off her phone and we don't know where she lives either. BM went like 17 years without seeing her dad (deadbeat) and they just barely reconnected in 2019. We don't know very much about them just that they never stay in one place too long.