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not sure how to handle... help?

stepmom008's picture

You may have read my topic from Friday but I'm at a loss for how to handle the situation. Recap: BM stressed SD out last Sunday about getting all of her clothes and things ready for last week. She was freaking out and said she wanted to do it in the morning so I told her that if she feels like she's got the time to do it in the morning, to not worry about it and do it then. BM then texted BF and told him to tell me to back off because I was the one that stressed her out and wouldn't let her pack anything. Oh and that SD is not my child and if BM wants dirty clothes sent over, then that's how they should be sent. It's all about how she should get what she wants and how everyone should bow to the queen's demands. (I made sure to wash SD's clothes Sunday night so that she had clean ones to take). Totally untrue (about not letting her pack), first of all. Second of all, BF never told me about the texts - I found them on his phone because I was being nosy. BM clearly feels threatened by me and is pissed that I've taken away her control of my house. I mean, she sounded crazy in the texts.

I need to get some opinions on how to handle this. His lack of setting any type of boundary with that woman makes me feel like he's defending her as is his not telling me about the texts. I've given him plenty of opportunities to come clean but he refuses. He won't tell me what they said and he keeps saying he'll send them to the text forwarder but doesn't. Plus if SD is telling BM that I'm not allowing her to pack her things and I'm stressing her out, then we have a real problem. I will not be the scapegoat because it's easy or because SD is scared of her mom getting mad at her. I feel like that needs to be nipped in the bud. He can't let her think that that's okay to do. How can I bring this up so that he can deal with both of them without me ending up being the bad guy once again that's picking on his princess?

dash's picture

Dash My god..I have definately found the right site to join! My do exes taxt like crazy women do you think!!?? You are right...they are feeling a lack of control...the children is the only way to control the ex... if he doesn't play ball she with holds the kids. I am staggered women do this!

stepmom008's picture

Yes, he told me there were texts from her but did not tell me that she was "taking a swipe at" me (as he put it when we finally talked about it about an hour ago. Now that I've asked, he told me what they said & I didn't flip out like I usually do which is probably why he didn't tell me. Now that I haven't flipped out, maybe he'll be more forthcoming next time. I think he's been trying hard not to stress me out because I just found out I've got a heart arrythmia and stress makes it WAY worse. Needless to say, when I'm stressed, he's stressed because I have that knack for making his life a living hell when I'm feeling bitchy. The only reason he told me about the texts in the first place was because I asked him if she'd really been as quiet as it seemed. I knew better.

He's definitely had the "don't interfere in my house" and the "you do things how you want in your house and I'll do the same in mine" fight with her continuously. The problem with her is that she'll fight tooth and nail and then tell him how it's going to be. Which is that he stays out of her house and she'll stay out of his - obviously it's the same thing that he said in the first place but she feels like she has to come up with it for it to be a good idea. She always has to get the last word in.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

liks's picture

Hey...I got the same shit going on here....secret txts, secret phone calls with the ex and the ss's....DRIVES ME UP THE FN WALL

I got so annoyed I stood up and said Its not very nice to have to live here with all this secret stuff going on...as far as Im concerned if them boys have something to say then they say it in front of the both of us and that my DH was to let them know you share everything with me.

That the next time BM calls...put the phone on speaker phone, cos again - anything she say to DH can be said and heard by/to me

anyway...of course the manipulative painful trio made further nasty remarks about me...lies lies and more lies....

So the latest way Ive played it....I said 'this is not fair'....'Im over it, all they do is plan and design ways and say things to upset me all the time and I cannot live like this anylonger'...

either he gets the oldest ss into some sort of councilling or Im leaving until its sorted out.

stepmasochist's picture

I know this might not be a popular idea, but my recommendation would be to let it go.

You are allowing that woman to have entirely too much control over your emotional well-being. Ignore her, it sounds like that's what your DH was trying to do before you snooped in his text messages. You should stay out of his phone and let him be your filter for all her crazy bullshit.

It sounds as if how you handled your SD being stressed out was perfectly right. Just continue to be a good parent to her, do things how you want in your house and let BM freak out all she wants on her own. She does not deserve the joy of knowing she got to you. Hopefully, if she's got a drop of sanity in her, her antics will cease when she realizes you can't be baited OR controlled.

stepmom008's picture

You're right. I guess what annoys me most is that he lets way too much go in the hopes that if he ignores her, it'll stop but it doesn't... ever. Plus the fact that he NEVER defends me. But, I guess saying that shows that for some reason I care about what she thinks. Not that I'm out to please her or anything but that it irks me that someone thinks I'm a bad person. I know I'm not! Luckily I have no contact with her and he certainly isn't telling her anything about me so I'm sure it drives her crazy wondering if she got to me or not. The next thing I need to learn is to kick her in the c@nt in my head and be sweet as pie to her when I do have to see her. I'm not good at hiding my emotions or pretending to like someone but I've got to figure out a way to do it.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

stepmom008's picture

No kidding. Thank god she had hers ripped out this summer so she can't make some other poor schmuck miserable.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

liks's picture

LOVE IT!!!!
cant wait to tell my DH
Ill be using this one again and again....hahah....as if the fat bitch would have a Golden Uterus...more like full of shit

StepChicka's picture

"Oh and that SD is not my child and if BM wants dirty clothes sent over, then that's how they should be sent."

BM should be so thankful you're not trying to stuff SD into the basement closet like so many stepmoms want to do }:)

Yeah...I'd say she's threatened and she's losing sight on what's best for her kid. Honestly, I think she lashed out in anger but still. Your DH is fueling the termoil by not putting an end to the scapegoating.

My guess is SD may have used you as a scapegoat to avoid getting into trouble by BM.

DH needs to put an end to this and if he doesn't then YOU may need to. That should perk his ears up.

stepmom008's picture

That's what I think too and I brought that up to him and told him if that's the case, then we have a real problem. He of course thinks that couldn't be but we both know that SD gets scared when Wilda gets mad so I wouldn't put it past her. I have to figure out how to handle that.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Flutterby's picture

If it were me, my reply would be tell SD to check/ask/discuss it with her father.

It's not worth getting stressed out over the small stuff. I have a fulltime SD15, fortunately I am quite lucky in that I don't get much grief from BM(now).

SD either needs to learn to tell her mother that she is stressing her out, rather than play you off against her. All that ends up doing is putting DH in the middle between you and her. From the sounds of it, if she's that much of an ogre to deal with, I don't think you would ever be able to feel defended enough by DH.

By giving him the responsibility, to go against BM wishes for SD, then it puts him in the middle between SD and BM, and you get off scott free and without the stress.

His daughter, his responsibility.

liks's picture

yeah...thats what I do now....

I say to my DH...they are your kids babe....not mine....they do not live with us, they live with their psycho fat bitch of a mother and she makes them like that....they do not listen to me....in fact they go out of their way to upset me....YOU SORT THEM OUT.

Unlike what occurs in the home with my kids and my DH - we all live full time with each other, and If my son is playing the 13 year old 'i know it all' I just call to the Step Dad....DH and get him to say something....

2 stable persons acting together with love just works

Unlike the ss's who are controled by the lesbian bitch and who show tru delinquent behaviour when they are around us in our loving home...

no wonder we dont wont them ss's around anymore.