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Not Step related but I need help!!

Conflicted's picture

Hi ladies.... I have a non-step related issue that I would like to get some of your thoughts on.... A lot of you on here seem to have Facebook and/or Myspace accounts.... I just found out this morning that BF went onto my Facebook page and DELETED most of the guys that were on my friends list. When I confronted BF he said yes he did delete guys, that I don't need them and that I need to "shut up and get over it". I am speechless. I told BF that he had no right to do that, I deleted him from my friends, changed my password and then blocked him completely so he cannot even view my page at all or find me period.....

What do you think? Did I go a bit too far? Do I have a right to feel completely violated?

ChaiLatte's picture

I am not a fan social networking website when you are in a relationship. It’s something that has only had a negative impact in any relationship I have ever had. As strongly as I feel about the subject, I would never consider breaking into someone else’s account and changing/deleting anything! That is definitely a violation. Your bf should have communicated with you like an adult how he felt. As much as I hated anyone I was with to expose themselves unnecessarily to flirtation, weirdoes, people pretending to be something other than who they are, and temptation it wasn’t may place to take charge of their account. This person sounds like he is emotionally bullying you and may have some serious control issues that will continue to pop up in other areas of your relationship.

melis070179's picture

While I can see why he'd be uncomfortable with you having a bunch of guys on your page that he doesn't know, he had no right to do that nor tell you to shut up and get over it. I would do the same thing you did until he pulled his head out of hius ass and apologized. He should've just talked to you.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Sita Tara's picture

He has trust issues, and total transparency wasn't good enough. Beware he will now claim he can't trust you because you blocked him and made it so he can't see you.

In my book, this is a huge red flag. He has no right to tell you who you can or can't be friends with, male or female. If he was secure, and truly loved and trusted you, he would have appreciated that he can get on and see who you are friends with. He didn't. So when he tries to use you becoming more private about your friends against you, please make sure you tell him that's because HE violated YOUR trust and goodwill in keeping everything where he had access to it.

You are not a child. He should not be treating you like one.

My DH and I both have FB. There are women he went to high school and college with on his friends list. Some he may have even dated- I have no idea, except he didn't date much or seriously before BM anyway, and then he was with her for the next 15 or so years.

I on the other hand, have several ex bf's on there that I stayed friends with, one heartbreaking relationship in particular that I originally told him I wouldn't accept the friendship even though we've always emailed ever since we've known each other. Then when this guys cousin recommended the friendship I didn't want to explain everything and told DH I was confirming it.

He said, "What was his last name again?" And "Thanks for your honesty. I'm ok with that. I've got women friends on there you don't know either."

I wouldn't settle for less than a man who could be as trusting as I am.

And neither should you. Your BF needs to man up and talk to you about his feelings rather than just act on them and tell you to "Shut up and get over it."


Conflicted's picture

Here is the email that I got from bf:

You r right. No worries tho I assure u I will not do it again.. U can have them as friends, go meet up with them if u want, whatever your heart desires, and I hope you have a blast doing it..and btw no one was ever going to come between us.....

What does this mean? Clearly he is being sarcastic.... I am DREADING going home!

jojo71's picture

this is in NO way an apology or remorse. Personally I could never be in a relationship with someone THIS controlling. This is hard to watch. I hope you can be strong and explain to him that you are an adult and can make your own choices and if he is going to have trust issues this severe, it will never work out. I hate telling people that they should get out of a relationship, but.... just be strong.

belleboudeuse's picture

God, BE CAREFUL. He is trying to control you. This is emotional abuse. An ex-boyfriend I once had started doing almost exactly this stuff, and a few months later started hitting me.

You should NEVER, EVER be afraid of a partner. Your dread is your brain telling you GET OUT of this relationship. This man is a controller. If you absolutely want to give him a chance, I would sit down with him in a NEUTRAL place (so he doesn't get violent) and tell him that he needs to go with you to couples counseling if he wants you to stay. If he refuses, you need to do yourself a favor and pack your stuff.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but once a man starts walking down this path, it only gets worse. He is trying to make you afraid of him. How much clearer can it be?


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Freedom2005's picture


Please be careful, this sounds like a setup for a fight, his response anyway. It is also a boundary issue, making changes to your account without your knowledge or approval. It is also a trust issue.

I give my BF my passwords because I trust him.

I was also in an abusive relationship for years... and your DH reply sent up the reaction I would get when my ex would goad me into a fight.

Please be careful.... I will pray for you!

Orange County Ca's picture

You were right on. Delete him from your life - permanently.

Listen this is a clear act of control. This need to control will not get better nor can you change it. Don't waste any more time on this guy - you'll live to regret it.


There's an exception to everything I say.

Smonster's picture

his last comment ..and btw no one was ever going to come between us.....

that sounds very very threatening to me. Be careful.

I won't stand for anyone telling me to "shut-up". Unless of course they are joking and it sure doesn't sound like he was joking.