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Not speaking with Ex. Missing SD13. BD has days to live.

MidFortiesDude's picture

My ex asked for a break April 1st. I moved out and back into my existing vacation condo an hour away. I gave her some space and then was informed she wanted to break up a week or so later. She was dating multiple people by mid April.  

We were together for 2 years. She had weekend custody of SD13 up until last year when BD's cancer really started to seriously affect his ability to parent. I was already doing all the things a SP does. Pickups, dropoffs, taking her shopping for clothes, pay for meals, clean cuts, build forts, science projects, you name it. The BD and I were fond of each other. I brought him food, cut his grass - we were friends. I was first SP that he approved of for his daughter.

I tried to work things out with the ex up until 30 days ago. Nope just wants friendship. She was also reluctant to work out any arrangement that included time with me and the SD. That's when I went no contact. The SD13 still texts and we chat. 

The ex's family told me last week BD got a morphine pump installed and has days to live. She has since 'quit' dating temporarily so says her FB page.

My heart is breaking for the SD. I feel like I spent 2 years with the BD's death looming over us like a dark cloud. Now I can't be there for her. 

Not even sure whether to go to the funeral when it inevitably comes. 

Do I go? Do I reach out the neurotic ex (possible Narcissist and Codependent)? Do I just let this whole things fade away?

Started seeing a shrink a couple weeks ago. Have been depressed and even suicidal at times. Starting to finally get my emotions under control from the No Contact.





Survivingstephell's picture

I think you should work this out with your shrink.  

Couple of options, would be to send a card to the family  and one to SD care of the funeral home or home of his parents. 

Send flowers for SD to the funeral so she knows you are thinking of her.

Do nothing to open contact with ex.  She's a hot mess now and will probably amp it up for attention when he passes.  

Sorry you find yourself here.  

MidFortiesDude's picture

That is some good advice thank you. It reaffirms for me what the therapist had me leaning towards in an exercise yesterday (Pros vs. Cons : Going vs. Not Going). I couldn't even think the next step. Flowers and cards sent elsewhere. Thx.

The No Contact has been essential in healing thusfar. Going to keep it up. Her family has been reaching out and sending me love. I recently attended a social event with her sibling and their nuclear family. There will be ongoing invites from them to visit. I was friends with some of Ex's siblings from high school days - and so we have decided to maintain our friendship despite all this stuff. That relationship is healthly so I really don't want to block it for the sake of No Contact in it's strictest form, for now. 

She has actually been a hotter and hotter mess for 8 months since BD started his last volley of treatments. Her and BD never really 'Uncoupled' despite divorce 6 years ago. She also warned me she would support him in palliative care. I literally accepted being relegated to '3 Wheel' status so maybe I had it coming. Didn't expect to be devalued and abandoned. 

Yep. The need for attention will amp. Will need to avoid being hoovered up or providing any kind of narcissist supply - or - simply going back in again for a second dose of pain. If they'll leave you quickly the first time, they'll leave you just as quick the second time.