I recommend that you immediately establish the connection between equity life partnership and being equity parents to any spawn in your home regardless of kid biology.

Lock that in.. Early and your blended family life will me much better than if you don’t.

FDH and the SKids need this clarity. And so do you.

Good luck.

Just to clarify, you are never "legally" a step-mom. A step-parent has no legal rights in regards to their step-kids. Hopefully this will never be an issue, but just want to get you started on the right foot.

Read around this sight, you will gain much insight and knowledge that will make your journey easier. Good luck!

I think you meant to post more? All stepfamilies are different, but IMO, the most functional way for it to go is if the father does the parenting and you are just a help/support/friendly adult in their lives.  Many women jump into these situations and start being the caretaker for the kids, and that tends to backfire.  Some find some success in sharing parenting duties with their SO, but I'm still not sure that works long-term, because in the end, the bio parent does and should have the final say on how their children are parented.

If I had chosen to be child-free, I would not have married my husband. We spent a good 4 years together before having our son. We've always had custody of my 7-year-old stepdaughter. It was hard, not having the parental responsibility or instinct but being in a position where I had to help raise a child. I didn't exactly like it. I find with my son, it's truly a labor of love. I never feel like I'm missing out or giving anything up when I don't want to. But with my stepdaughter, it always felt like a chore - doing things like getting her ready for school, bringing her places, etc. 

I really, really would suggest you think twice. Do you really want two stepkids if you've chosen a child-free life? It just doesn't make sense. It's all the work with none of the reward. Plus, even if you do get close to the stepkids, there's always the inevitable situations/remarks that remind you that you're last - they'll pick mom and dad over stepmom anytime, any day, and it hurts. 

Every family is different. Some things that I think help with the transition to a step life are:

1- Clearly definied visitation orders with the kids

2- Both a friendly yet clearly defined relationship with BM. 

3- Both your and your DH need to be on the same page with boundaries and expectations with the step kids. Parenting is hard. Parenting not your kid is even harder!!

Welcome Mandy.  I was not too unlike you 15 plus years ago when I met my DH.  He had two girls.. 5 and 9.  I didn't have kids either.  Partially because I had never had a huge drive to have them.. but also because my prior relationship partners were not people I wanted to have kids with. (for a variety of reasons..lol).  Ultimately, I never did have kids of my own.

The first thing I would let you know is that every step situation is different.  Just because there are some uber bitter people on this site.. doesn't mean that every situation will turn a SM into a bitter shell of her former self.  Conversely.. it won't always be sunshine and roses.  But.. even bio families don't always have sunshine and roses 24/7...  The short answer to it all is that I think the people that are most flexible and can roll with things tend to be the ones that have a little easier time of it  People with very set expectations going in and ideas of "how it should be" inevitably become frustrated because people/kids won't play the part they wrote for them in their mind.

And.. unfortunately, the two people that will actually have some of the most impact on how things work will be people that you find you have little control over.. the EX and your DH.  If you have a mentally ill, high conflict EX spouse in the picture.. it can definitely be a struggle.  They can sabotage so much by making the kids behave poorly.. alienating the kids from their father.. sink your finances by continuous demands for money and dragging your DH to court.  Even in relatively good EX situations.. there will be petty jealousy when her kids "like" you too much... or she thinks that her EX isn't doing everything he should.  She may be jealous of you.. even if she no longer wants HIM.  And of course the EX can impact his kids attitude towards you.  They may be punished if they like you.. that can be a real problem.. for everyone.

And then there is your DH... is he looking at you as a surrogate mother so he doesn't have to do childcare duty in the home?  Will he parent.  Will he hold his kids to a high standard of behavior or let them run like heathens because they are "children of divorce" and he doesn't want to discipline them? Will he listen when you have a concern.. will he give you authority in your own home to discipline when necessary (not saying spanking necessarily.. but can you send a kid to time out when they sass you?).

And.. then there is you.. a childless woman who may have their own set ways of doing things.  Kids are unruly and messy.. are you happy with the rules he has for them?  would you expect more?  If so.. then be careful because it is very easy for your DH to unintentionally throw you under the bus when he institutes all these new rules for his kids to try to appease you.

Then there are financial matters.. and custody issues.. all those can put pressure into your home.  Not saying that it will all be a bed of nails.. but there certainly are complexities that you wouldn't have with a childless man.

On the good side?  you can be a mentor to the kids.. you don't have to be a "parent".. they have two of those.  You can be more selfish with your own time and resources.. you don't have to sacrifice it all for these kids.. but your spouse may have to.. which may limit what he has to give you.. not necessarily a horrible thing.. but a fact of life.

Now.. 15 years later.. I have two financially independent stepdaughters.  I have good relationships with both of them.. in fact my younger SD is going on a Christmas vacation with my husband and me this weekend.  We get along great.  Has it always been easy? nope.. have I had to sacrifice some of my wants? yes.. have I done things for my Skids that they didn't fully appreciate? of course.. most kids are a bit self entitled.  But in the end, I don't regret my life with my DH.. even if it was a little more complicated by having a high conflict EX.. and two girls who had their own issues over the years.

Married 7 years and it's great, except for what we have to deal with as a blended family couple.  You have to weigh how tolerant you are of everything and everyone else the marriage brings. BM will always be in your life and she and the kids will let you know that. Financially, are you prepared for your DH to spend money on his kids you may not agree with? So you have separate finances maybe?  It will still impact your lifestyle if he has to, or chooses, to pay for college.  If he is carrying their cell phone bills until they are 30. If you buy them cars and pay insurance. 

ESMOD really covered everything well. I was warned it would be hard and it is. Harder than being alone without him? I don't think so. Harder than remarrying anyone else? You just never know. Good luck!

I am now on a smoother road, but it has been really really painful, because I was basically clueless, until I found steptalk. I met my now DH, about 1.5 years before we began a relationship. They were "separated but not divorced". I dont recommend this particular road - it just makes things tougher than they need to be.

We have a high conflict BM, who is a narcissistic POS. Needless to say we have no contact. She is also mean to my DH, unless she needs something from him. She has previously beat her eldest in a drunken rage. Its all detailed in my Blogs here.

I get along great with Munchkin SD12. Shes a preteen, going through her thing. Not much conflict there. We have the normal stuff of not listening, not being overly apprecitive, but shes pretty much been great, thinks of me like a second Mom, or so she said.

Welcome to steptalk - its good to read on here but keep in mind that we do more venting than we do singing the praises of steplife.