Not mine?
My mother told me recently that I had to stop referring to SD8 as "his daughter" "his kid" "husbands child." So...am I supposed to refer to her as mine? Not gonna happen. I didn't realize it was so awful and terrible for me to simply say what is true, that she is HIS child. I don't go around saying, "husband can handle it because she's NOT mine!" I simply talk about things that I think he, as her father, is responsible for. He fought so long and hard for custody of his daughter. Shouldn't he be responsible for her keep and care? Of course I help out with SD. I also have two babies under age 2 to parent as well, AND I work full time. I am too exhausted to take on SD and everything that comes with her. I AM GOOD TO HER..of course. But why would my mother have told me that I can't refer to her as "His" anymore?????
If I wanted an 8yr old I would have had a baby in my very early twenties. No thank you.
Also, it's not just my mom. Everyone is like this.
And my mom doesn't even LIKE SD. She hasn't said as much but I know my mother and I know that she finds SD to be annoying.
I know I vent over and over about the same stuff, but it really helps me to keep calm and carry on!
Id like to point out the
Id like to point out the context of me saying things like "his child" when talking to my mother. An example would be, "I really think he should be able to get her up for school on time, have her hair brushed, teeth brushed, clean clothes. I have 2 babies to get ready in the morning and leave the house by 630 am. She is his child, he can do these things."
I am not shy about telling my husband or anyone that SD is his responsibility in every aspect. He is 100% responsible for her. yes, I do parent from behind the curtain, but this is his show.
I do not refer to my skids as
I do not refer to my skids as 'my' children, i say my husbands children. they are not mine, and mine are not his, I have 2 children of my own, they have a mother and father, and their father is not DH. I love my DH but that doesn't make my children his - he didn't want a child with me, therefore WE have NO children.
The skids have a mother, I am not it. BM has made it clear I am not their mother, she is - so why do people expect me to claim HER children as mine?
I do not refer to my skids as mine. My DH does refer to my daughters as his and he will do so pointingly while looking at me to which I simply correct for others. He will get upset, but sorry, they are NOT his kids. Its not personal, but they are NOT his nor are HIS mine.
My girls are well behaved, they listen, it has taken lots of hard work parenting them and teaching them - I get credit for that. Their father gets credit for consistency when he has them. I may not like my XH but he does get credit for how good our children are. DH does not. DH is a great SF, he is nice to my kids, he helps out now and then, but he does not and has not raised them.
DH can not manage to parent his own children. I refuse to allow him to take credit for my hard work with my own bios, and I refuse to take any responsibility for the mess he and BM created with their kids.
Its cold, but thats life.
You're not out of line at
You're not out of line at all. I call my skids "his kids" also. I always hate the assumptions (from self-righteous people who are not married to someone with kids) that they become ours after we are married. B.S.
I think it's silly that so
I think it's silly that so many people are offended by facts. I'm part of a fringy group of people that seem to really like to reject "labels". Labels are discriptive words. No one would be offended if I said "Blue Truck". It's okay to describe a truck using that truck's color. But use a discriptive word like "biological child" or "stepchild" and you're a monster.
It's a fact that my stepchildren are NOT my children. If DH died today, their mothers would be lined up like hyenas to collect them up and go cash those Social Security checks. I'd never see them again until they became adults. I have a bond with my bio children that I do not have with my stepchildren. It isn't for lack of trying. I love my two older steps as if they were my own. That being said, the relationship is not the same as it is with my bios.
I think it's foolish to teach children to tiptoe around facts because of the way people feel about the facts. Fact: BM3 is a non-custodial mom because of her choices. It's not a glamorous fact. It probably wouldn't make her feel good if I said it aloud, but it's the truth. Fact: I contributed largely to SD6's ODD. How does that make me feel? Two inches tall. AWFUL. Lower than low. Did I do it on purpose? No. I didn't. Could I have avoided it? Yeah, I could have made different choices, and I SHOULD have. All I can do now is go forward doing the best I can and try to undo the damage I've done. It's still the cold hard facts, no matter how it makes me feel or how others look at me because of it.
Different opinion here and I
Different opinion here and I will probably get blasted! I do not like labels especially when it comes to step parents and step kids. I refer to myself as SD's stepmom when I am introducing myself, however I never introduce SD as my stepkid, I introduce her by her first name. I do not like the negative stereotype that comes with the label stepmom, so why I should make SD have to be stereotyped with the negative image of a stepkid?
"If I wanted an 8yr old I would have had a baby in my very early twenties. No thank you." If you didn't want an 8 year, why would you marry a man that had a child? Surely, you knew before you married him, he had a child and knew that he wanted full custody since he fought a long, hard custody battle. Did you not talk about what his expectations were of you as stepmom when the relationship became serious? Were you there supporting and encouraging him through this custody battle and now tell him she is not mine, she is yours? I just understand how you didn't want an 8 year old, but you married someone with a child!
Why can't you two work together in the mornings to get everyone ready in the mornings? I understand that mornings can be hectic especially with two babies, but seriously why can't everyone in the family work together. Why does it have to be divided with mine and yours?
Are the two babies going to grow up thinking that they derserve more of Mom's love than SD? Is SD going to grow up thinking she is less adequate than the babies because Mom does everything for the babies and not as much for SD?
Seriously, lose the labels, all of them, yours, mine, stepmom, stepdaughter.....
Let the blasting begin......