not gone yet, may never escape
OT--i had a very VERY kind friend on here help me out recently (you know who you are). i wish i ca return the favor and maybe one day i can, until then, i have paid it forward in other ways.
anyways, i have been in therapy and we have come to the conclusion that sd11 is basically saying she wants nothing to do with me--read other post--and that maybe i need to get out and have my own life with bd3. i am currently still looking for a place to live.
bf and i have had many talks about things but he is adamant that sd11 has NOTHING to do with our problems. i beg to differ. sd11 heard us talking about me leaving and she came in, and in a very nasty voice said "yeah its cause of me". at the same time i said "yes it is" bf says 'no its not at all". sd11 tells me that she doesnt care if i leave and doesnt care if its cause of her or not. out of nowhere, she puts on the tears and tells bf that she will never have a mom. i pipe in with "well if u acted differently..." bf got mad at me for telling her how it is.
why cant we be honest with these kids? dont we owe them honesty? how else will they learn that u cant treat people like garbage? 'telling' them doesnt work, maybe 'showing' them will have effect. but maybe i am wrong.
so bf consoles sd and tells her how i love her (not true) and how i will never leave her like bm did (again not true). sd does the sniffle thing and clings to bf. by this time the tears have dried and she is forcing mucus membranes back into her throat. faker!
bf tells me that i need to spend more time with sd and less time with bd3. he tells me that i need to plan special sd time each day cause its apparent sd is lacking. he says that me disengaging is making sd worse (for who???? him???? yeah right). he says that maybe sd11 is wetting the bed again cause of me ignoring her.
um, i will never put my bd behind sd. or anyone else's kid for that matter. even if sd wasnt such a monster, i would never put bd behind her. lil princess of darkness digs her own graves. bd3 is the victim here, not sd11.
sorry had to vent. i cant wait to leave this hell-hole and give bd3 the calm serene environment she deserves and thrives for. and for me too.
Is BF in denial?
I'm stunned that you could tell him that things are working and why and that you need to leave and his reaction would be to tell you how you can improve your relationship with SD11? It's like he didn't hear a word you said.
Yes I do think we should be honest with children who behave in ways that drive us away. Not honest to the point of cruelty but I think its fine to say, "When you do X,Y and Z it makes me feel X and that causes me to pull away from you. If you want to have a relationship with me you need to meet me half (or at leat 1/3) of the way there."
Hey, glad you got a break!
I feel for you and am glad your secret friend was so kind as to help!!!!
I would not worry about SD and what she says or does, it is a matter of your survival now so maybe you should just plan to get out as soon as you can. Unless Dh starts singing a new tune!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2I commend you
for putting your bd first. I hope you find peace and tranquility. It sounds like you're on the right track.