Not a bad situation, but still such a struggle
I feel a little embarrassed to post on here, as I do not have a very bad situation at home, and especially after reading other's posts on here.
I am 38, and have been with my husband for almost 6 years. He has an 18 year old daughter who just moved out, a 17 year old son, and a 13 year old daughter who live with us every other week. My husband is wonderful- he's a wonderful father, has appropriate boundaries with his kids, pays a ton of attention to me, expects them to move out when they're 18, etc. From the start these kids accepted me and were very respectful. I'm pretty easy with them, but as I said, they've given me no reason to not be.
Despite all this, I dread when they come every week and I'm so happy when I get my home and husband back and can live how I want. I hate how messy my house gets, and that my food that I want for myself gets eaten. I don't want to be obligated to socialize with them. They are very chatty kids (I am not really), and though I care about them and am especially close with his youngest (who tells me she loves me and is always very engaging and sweet), I mostly just either want to be alone or alone with my husband. I hate when my husband has too many obligations with them, even though he never makes me do any of it, and also lets me know he'd love for me to be there if I wanted to. He also prioritizes our time together all the time. I feel like a bratty, terrible person because it's hard to not have resentment that he even had 3 kids with his awful ex-wife. All I can think about is in 5 years when the youngest is finally 18.
I am pregnant now for the third time in a year and a half. I'm at 12 weeks, which is further than I made it the other two times. I truly look forward to telling my step kids because they love babies and children and I believe they will be wonderful in helping me raise this baby. I hope it will help me to feel more apprecative of them and a part of it all. I grew up feeling pretty isolated and I think I have jealousy of how close the kids are to my husband and to each other. I hope it will make me feel part of the loop, but I wonder if I'm just being naive, and it will actually make things harder. Thanks for letting me vent everyone.