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Not allowing step parent to breath

readingandlearning's picture

Anyone else experienced the guilt trips imposed when you want to do anything other than hanging out with with SO and their kids? And when you speak up about wanting to do something other than hang out with them you are stone walled, given the silent treatment, pouted at, shut out etc and later given the “family” speech met with anger. Anyone else think this isn’t fair?

tog redux's picture

"stone walled, given the silent treatment, pouted at, shut out etc and later given the “family” speech met with anger."

Not only is it not fair, it's emotionally abusive to deal with relationship problems in this way. 

Goodluck's picture

 

I am SOOOO sorry you are experiencing this. Its awful and Do NOT tolerate it.  Your SO behavior poor.

You are not doing anything immoral, or illegal...so you have zero to feel guilty about.

 

Go do what you want, when YOU want to. You are not married to this person.

Follow your gut it has served you well by raising a flag to ask US whether or not it's fair.

It is not. I have a feeling you already know it is not good behavior on SO part.  NO he/she will not change. Dont day dream that he will.

Move on

Best wishes and GoodLuck

Siemprematahari's picture

when you speak up about wanting to do something other than hang out with them you are stone walled, given the silent treatment, pouted at, shut out etc and later given the “family” speech met with anger. Anyone else think this isn’t fair?

This is the manipulative tactic your H uses in order to make  you feel bad?? He's a real winner and no it's not right that he does this abusive behavior. These are his kids and if you don't FEEL like hanging out with them so what. He can do things with them on his own. He's acting like one of the kids with the silent treatment and pouting. Shut that mess down NOW. I wouldn't give him the option of giving me the "family" speech. You weren't there when the kids were created so he can keep you out that mess. Not your responsibility, not your obligation, oh well.....

TogetherForever89's picture

Hey OP! I can say that I'm in the same boat as you. I can NEVER have a girl's night out. If DH is not working and is home (the weekends, usually), I'm expected to be with him and the family, ALL. DAY. LONG. If not, I get guilt tripped or he will definitely complain. 

However, I do not get the silent treatment or some of these more extreme reactions that you're mentioning. It's all bad, either way, and I agree this behavior is manipulative and at worst, abusive. Best of luck to you. 

Aniki's picture

you are stone walled, given the silent treatment, pouted at, shut out etc and later given the “family” speech met with anger. 

If this happens, you are in a relationship with a CHILD. Dump this loser and find an ADULT.

ESMOD's picture

I guess it kind of depends "what" you are talking about... going to the gym? going to eat lunch with a friend?

or

Are you talking about going off on a weeklong cruise with your girlfriends using joint funds.

It could also be the context of expectations .. like if you go on a family vacation.. and you plan a lot of things to do without the rest of the people on vacation.  There should probably be some reasonable meeting of the minds about what the trip might entail.

ndc's picture

My DH wants us to do things as a family, and a lot of what we do centers around the skids.  BUT . . . when I need a break and want to go do something else during skid-time (we're 50/50), DH is generally supportive.  Your SO is being emotionally abusive.  It's not acceptable.

Inluck's picture

Yes DH likes family time but we balance it with a good dose of introvert or cave time. It’s crazy to expect is a stepparent to spend 24/7 with children who aren’t theirs.

Rags's picture

My bride took issue with attending Rags' clan trips when SS was on SpermLand visitation.  I finally put it on the table that I would no longer forego trips with my family or not do things with just the two of us when SS was on visitation with the SpermClan.

We finally did a Carolina trip with my parents, my brother and his family.  DW was a bit morose the first day or so but she did relax and enjoy the trip.  I let her know that anything that we did while SS was on visitation we would repeat with him if we thought he would enjoy it.  After that it got better and better over the years.  We could have fun when he was home and we could have fun when he was away.

I understood her hesitance in taking vacation when SS was away. It is not natural for kids to be away from their parents and that is highlighted when special activities are enjoyed while kids are away.   I worked on her for a few years until I felt I just had to insist.

Ultimately it worked out fine for us.  It was all Skid all the time until he was on SpermClan visitation, then it was all the two of us all the time when he was gone.   We learned to enjoy both scenarios.

I believe that is in large part prepared us for the empty nester adjustment.  When SS launched, so did we.  Of course we missed him. He has been independent for 9 years. We still miss him. But, we remain close with him and every day we grow closer as a couple.

Couples that prioritize kids over the marriage and each other struggle with this much more intensely than couples that prioritize their marriage and each other over everything and everyone else, including kids.  Couples who make each other and the marriage their priority while making kids the top marital responsibility navigate this far more successfully.

IMHO and experience of course.

Curious Georgetta's picture

yourself to be responded to in that fashion? If it is abusive for him to treat you that way, it is certainly  masochistic on your part to stay and accept such treatment. Do you aspire to the role of the victim?

You are not married to this man. These are not your  kids. The question that you should be asking yourself is ",why after choosing to remain in this situation are you bothering to complain about it?"

You are not being held captive. The man has demonstrated his character and mode of behavior; he has not misled you. You are demonstrating your acceptance and agreement with this behavior by remaining in the relationship.

Why should he think more of you than you think of yourself ?

flmomma08's picture

The family speech? You aren't married and they aren't your kids... there is no family there... maybe buy him a dictionary?

Harry's picture

Stepfamily adukts shoild fo more thing by themselves. Weekend trips alone. date nights,  There no reason not to have girls night out except DH does not want to take care of his kids by himself