Normal or excessive?
My fiance has a 6 years old daughter from a previous marriage and has 50/50 custody - she lives with him every other week. He and his ex attend everything of their child's together - and I mean EVERYTHING. I understand why they would attend parent/teacher conferences, school events, and soccer games together. But is it excessive to go to every single doctor appointment together? These include well check ups, sick check ups, flu shots - every one they attend together. They go to every soccer practice together. They bring her to friends' birthday parties together. They attend everything in their daughter's life together. I know my fiance is not romantically involved with his ex. It seems to be more a matter of needing to do everything for his daughter. He keeps talking about how she's daddy's little girl. He talks often about how he needs to save all his money for her college, her wedding, and life insurance in case he dies and he needs to take care of her.
I don't know if he's overcompensating because he feels guilty over the divorce or if this is a big problem that could interfere with our marriage. Please give your opinions because I have no friends in my situation. I don't know if I'm completely in the wrong on this. I have a child of my own and my ex and I go to some of these events together - but not ALL. I just don't understand and am fearful of what this could mean for us. Am I being oversensitive or is this something I should be concerned about?
Thank you for any advice or input!
It seems excessive to me and
It seems excessive to me and possibly confusing to the child. It's like they are a part time family. What is your role? How would he feel if you attended everything with your child's father?
Yes...totally! He and his XW
Yes...totally! He and his XW are playing make-believe for their kid. Very confusing indeed. It will prolong this childs feelings of her parents getting back together and see SC as a major threat to this.
SC, is the BM dating anyone? If she isn't their is more of a problem. His daughter wouldn't be the only one believing they could be a family again. For all involved sake he needs to cut back on the get-togethers or at least start including you in them. BM and SD need to be "shown" that he's moved on. Frankly you do too.
It could all work out but expect some backlash from the kid and BM. A blended family counselor is a suggestion.
No you're not being over
No you're not being over sensitive. You're going to be a blended family one day and he's still treating his situation as a single dad. He needs to focus on integrating you and your kid more into his fatherly life regardless if XW is around or not. If she flips that's her problem.
its guilt. plain and
its guilt. plain and simple.
maybe you can explain to him that there are ways to still be involved with her, just not up her ass, and not with bm present. everyone needs to understand that part of his life is over, so new adjustments need to be made, by EVERYONE, including lil entitled sd. millions do it and survive.
good luck.
Answer: both to the
Answer: both to the above.
You are right to feel that is indeed, excessive. YOU are a part of this "new" life now and I gather, not a mormon. (no offense to anyone)
It is insane how this split custody thing can go,I've seen it also. It's like they are trying to put on a public act for the benefit of the kid. (maybe for themselves too?)
When I became a first-time SM, it was way weird...BM uses ss5 as "bait" DH (originally what they call a disney dad) was every friggin where with BM and ss5. Mind you, I have ZERO problem with DH being there for ss5, but EVERY frigin thing? Not only did it confuse ss5, DH wanted ME there too, it looked to say the least, like some polygamy deal going on.I gave DH my blessing on what to do with BM and stepbrat (I'm not going to functions while BM comletely ignored me and ss5 never wanted me there.) What was I supposed to do?
Now, months later,they SEEM to have a bit normal of a schedule going although the fact that BM LOVES DH to always pick-up ss5 at HER home (in DH's name) and run her mouth like he is coming "home" to her totally makes me feel like puking inside. (Honestly, I would love to be sitting somewhere like a fly on the wall and be able to see and hear the exchange.)
Then again....Maybe not- it might piss me off to no end.
Stand your ground. YOU deserve the respect!!!
WOW .. Not normal at all! I
WOW .. Not normal at all! I would be very very concered if I where you. I have never heard of any ex couple acting this extreme. I don't even know how to even think of how to explain why that would be happening. I can say I have tons of friends with exes and kids and I have never heard of that much over involvement.
I would have to say this "does it bother you? If it does I would say it will probably not change because of the extremeness of the situation. If it does not bother you then for you it is normal and let it go.
Because of the real extremness if it bothers you .. I have been there .. you think you can handle it and it will be ok. I would say in my experience it will get worse .. much worse .. IF IT BOTHERS YOU. What bothers some is ok for others. If you are not married hear this clearly. If I had to do it again I would walk away. My situation is not nearly as bad but it only gets worse over time ..never better.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your input! I have been trying to decide if this is something I can live with and it's important to hear that things can possibly get worse after marriage. This is a big decision and, although I love him dearly, I'm not feeling excited about our life together. Instead I'm feeling scared, which cannot be a good sign.
The BM is seeing someone and he attends some of the games (as do I), but not the many other trivial things. I almost wonder if my fiance and his ex aren't competing for best parent or something. They both have different shows they won't allow their daughter to watch and some of the shows seem so benign to me that I wonder if they're trying to impress each other with how much they care by going to EVERY event and banning "harmful" television shows to the extreme. I'd love to ask my fiance how he'd feel if I attended everything with my ex, but since he lives in another state, it's not even a possibility to consider.
Several of you brought up some points that I hadn't even thought of. This could definitely be confusing for my fiance's daughter. It's almost as though they're preserving their mini-family. I actually even asked my fiance at one point why he doesn't just remarry his ex so they can have their family again and his answer was that he would never want to do that. He loves me. But, it's obvious that if it's confusing for me, it must be confusing for a 6 year old child. I read something in a stepparenting book recently that said children usually hold out hope, all the way up until one of the parents wed that their bio parents will get back together (even if the child really likes the fiance and encourages the marriage, which this little girl has done). I believe my fiance and his ex are unconsciously cultivating this fantasy of still being a family out of guilt.
SC
Also, I do think it's time
Also, I do think it's time to discuss this issue, but my fear is that if I bring up the topic, he will begin lying about where he is or just not tell me when he attends trivial events with BM and daughter. The reason I have this fear is because when we first started dating three years ago, I asked why he went to so many things with BM and I later caught him in a lie about where he was. He said he lied because he didn't want to hurt me or make me think something was going on between him and BM when there wasn't.
SC
This is a HUGE, huge problem
This is a HUGE, huge problem that will very definitely interfere with your marriage. Because if you don't put a stop to it now, it will continue after you are married -- and your BF will no longer feel any need to change it, because you allowed the situation to continue like that and married him anyway.
I think it's very likely confusing to the little girl. And frankly, you will not at all know how her feelings toward you might change UNTIL they absolutely stop acting like they are still married. This little girl is young enough that in her eyes, mommy and daddy are probably still married, even though they don't happen to live together. You are just daddy's friend. IF you don't change this dynamic now, you will never know what the daughter's reaction will be to you as daddy's girlfriend or wife until after you are married. And it might not be good.
Moreover, the BM will probably really resist any change to this arrangement. She will probably get really angry and try to make your BF side with her against you. But it needs to change. So you need to put your foot down. This is too serious to let slide. Put your foot down, explain to your BF that he needs to figure out who he's going to be married to. If it's her, then tell him you will wish him all the best and move on.
If you are afraid he will lie and sneak around about this -- well, then isn't it better to find out if he's that kind of person BEFORE you marry him?
Honestly, you have GOT to change this situation before you get married. Once you say I DO, any attempt on your part to change it will be met with even more resistance. Why? Because it's working out fine for everyone but YOU: BM, your fiance, and the little girl are all completely fine with it. If you don't change it for YOU, your needs will always come a distant last.
Please do not marry this man unless the situation changes to your satisfaction.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I called it marriage
I called it marriage visitations. He is visiting his marriage. RUN
Wow - that's ridiculous.
Wow - that's ridiculous. There is absolutely no need for that. A: It's confusing for the child, like REALLY confusing. B: It's disrespectful to both you and BM's boyfriend. And C: Have they had any breathing room from each other since the divorce? It seems to me that they need to find a way to handle this better than being on top of each other at all times. They're not doing their daughter any favors by putting on this "happy family" charade.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
It is a problem only if you
It is a problem only if you feel it is. If you are not comfortable with the level of interaction and pressure him to change he will likely come to resent you at some point for it. I don't think it is good or bad, he just needs a partner that is going to be comfortable with that and if that person is not you then I would bow out of this relationship.