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Normal not to feel part of the family?

georgina29's picture

We’ve been together for many years and I still do not feel part of the family. I feel like an outsider most of the time. Is this normal? Should I throw in the towel? A big part of the issue is I feel rejected on many levels but feel I might be over reacting. Just the other day we went out to eat and hubby bought his kids bottled waters because they didn’t want tap water and they said the bottled waters in the car were warm. Yet he gets me a tap water and his kids act very Whiney as if they are in charge. He also tried to hit me up to pay for candy for his kids at the movies. Yet he forgot to ask me what I wanted. I pretended not to have my purse so he was stuck paying. Movie candy is a rip off. Even I don’t buy myself that. 

Aniki's picture

Do you prefer tap water over bottled (I do)? If so, does your DH believe he is giving you what you want?? If not, let him know. As far as asking you to pay for anything for the skids? NO. That's solely on him. IF you decide to spend money on them, it is a gift and NOT an obligation.

I have been with my DH for 8+ years and do not feel like part of the family. Not when it comes to the skids. The SDs purposely snub/exclude me unless it suits their wants/needs.

I certainly do not consider them to be part of MY family. My siblings and their offspring would never be so sh!tty. DH is very much a part of MY family. I honestly no longer care if the skids ever consider me to be part of their family. Their loss.

 

Want2's picture

After you said you don’t feel like part of the family, you went on to repeat the phrase “his kids” at least three times. So I think in your mind there’s a pretty clear line between yourself and them.

This isn’t a bad thing if you’re okay with it. I get the idea that what you actually have a problem with is him treating them better than he treats you. In that case it’s not a family issue it’s a relationship issue.

 I hope you first get very clear with yourself about what it is you want or are unhappy with so you can hone in on the true issue.

Evil3's picture

My DH was guilty of excluding me in order to "prove" to SD29, the mini-wife, that she was loved the most. I got really sick of it and laid the law down to DH. I spelled out every behaviour he does that makes me feel like a second-class citizen and told him that I will no longer tolerate being treated like some temporary bar slut rather than his wife. SD would manipulate the dynamics to make sure I was left out. She was aiming to get me completely ousted from the entire clan. DH would jump around to prove his love for her so as not to lose her, but I lost my patience waiting for the day to come that I would finally be in the "in crowd." I waited far too long. I highly recommend having a very frank discussion with your DH and spelling out exactly what inclusive behaviour looks like and that you require it immediately. Once I did that, my DH made sure to include me on everything. Disney dads do what they do to exclude us in order to show their precious poopsies that they are loved the most. They think we can handle it, so if we don't say anything, or don't say very much, they just carry on and don't change anything. Have that discussion. Once I told my DH how much pain I was in and that I'd no longer tolerate it, he finally changed. He admitted that if I backed down too soon in my protests, he thought I was OK with it, which meant there was no need for him to really change.

Rags's picture

smh

I don't understand people who put anyone before their mate.  Ever. 

Fortuneately my parents, particularly my father as I am a man and he is my primary male role model, made it clear that their relationship took precedence over my younger brothers and me.

I have  had no problem emulating that example in my marriage.   I did the same in my first marriage but my XW never made our marriage her priority.  She made it clear that he family (parents, sibs, their spawn) were far more important than she and I were.

That my bride of approaching 25 years and I share this perspective is most likely in large part why we are approaching our 25th anniversary.

Time to point out to DH that they are his children and you are his mate.   You take priority.  Each and every time he demonstrates that he has lost touch with this fact.

Good luck.

caitlinj's picture

I agree. Your marriage should come first. Then your children. Then your parents, siblings, other family, etc. Any other forumla is a formula for divorce. I do not undertsand why people don't get this. I put my mother before my husband  during my first marriage and that is why my first marriage failed. She guilted me into thinking I had to be there for her so many times when it was not appropriate.My first husband found company in another woman who gave him the attention and respect he needed that I did not. I learned my lesson the hard way and after years of therapy and reading. I will not repeat this mistake.