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Is this normal Dh behavior?

Stormyweather's picture

DH and I were married in April this year. It hasn't been an easy road leading up to being married including dealing with toxic skids, a Narc BM, BM putting a restraining order on her own son (resulting in SS16 living FT with us while she gets to live with her BF unencumbered) and a skewed property settlement with DH giving away the finalised $30k to his three kids. His take? We are now free to move forward together as he feels he has helped his kids start up their lives and what we earn together will be ours for our future. All three skids have just splurged their $10k each. What ever. It could have paid off part of his lawyer fees. I am seeing how stupid DH is.

My question is are most uses of step talk Husbands dumb when it comes to understanding our needs? We are at a stale mate regarding how he treated me ( threw me under the bus as he supported his eldest Daughers feelings and not mine). I am incensed over how little he cares about my feelings and instantly supported SD21 over hearing my side of the story. Long story but SD21 doesn't live with us but cannot understand why he can't see how unsupportive ( and hurtful) he is of my feelings and instead goes in to support Her over me... His wife.

I'm at a stale mate because I need to hear how genuinely sorry he was for throwing me under the bus and supporting his precious daughter over his own wife. I told him to go and marry her then if he cares more about Her and how she's faring all the while sending me the message that I'm nothing to him. He can't understand how I feel. He acknowledges he has hurt me but can't Articulate how or why. I need him to say the words to me so I can move on with this stupid scenario... As he is just expecting me to just suck it up and move on with it without acknowledgement from him.

Are most Dhs this stupid with regard to understanding wives feelings? He is clueless or is he just pretending to be so he avoids admitting and therefore acknowledging his bad behavior?

Disillusioned's picture

They are honestly that clueless. They will support you in everything, except when it comes to skids. Too many guilty daddy's out there, looking to prove they actually are good father's putting their children first. Mine is the same way. Wonderful husband, except when it comes to supporting his wife over his children, then, it doesn't matter how wrong his kids are or how unfair to me, he has to prove a point about what a caring father he really truly is, at all costs. Figures wife will get it, suck it up, and move on. I think if more emphasis was put on dead-beat husbands, then maybe it would be different LOL

bah's picture

totally "normal" but NOT normal. DH pulled the same shit, threw me under the bus in a family conflict (which I did not create) and he's "sorry he hurt me" but doesn't really get WHY it hurt, because he had to tiptoe around his darling daughters. ALL I did was make them welcome in my home, offer support, acceptance and counsel and hospitality. And then they pulled the last crap move I was going to stand for - and it's all "Bah, you can be the better person. .. " Uh, no, I didn't break it, not my job to fix it. My DH is a wonderful person and a great spouse - except when it comes to his kids.

DH even with the couples counselor is like "why can't we all get along" and my response is - "because your thirtysomethings are selfish manipulative brats even in adulthood" I get it. The counselor gets it. DH, not so much.

bah

just bah

Stormyweather's picture

Yeah!!! Totally Bah! Same here about the bah factor.

It was my hill to die on and he was prepared to let it happen too. Weve been attending counselling and the counsellor has identified my DH is passive aggressive. That coupled with me having codependent tendencies, I see how ive allowed a lot of bad behavior over the years but my growing awareness is picking up on his manipulative ways And I'm being more assertive. So hence my comment about not being sure if he can't or that he just won't say the words to acknowledge how he hurt me.....

And then wonders why I'm so devastated that he Has essentially fractured the relationship I had with SD21 and the awkward complicated way our lives will now have to be for Christmas dinners, christenings, weddings etc. He has caused so much damage and instead of standing up for me and putting SD21 back into her place and make her accountable for her rude behavior., he stands by her side and supports the fracturing of a family moving forward.

I raise my kids ( all grown up now and are amazing young women) and his family /kids are toxic users.

I so want to say to him that if he EVER throws me under the bus again and supports his kids Over me as his wife, I'm done! But my issue is I've already communicated this message to him and I haven't followed through with my " threat" ( meant it at the time but we've been living separately under one roof for weeks and he's been " trying" to do things around the house.... Not apologise to me as Such but to try and help me out by doung physical things).... I so want a husband and partner who gets me and who cares for my feelings. Why is if so hard for men? He cares about SD21's feelings so clearly he is capable of connecting, but not with me when I need it the most??? He is so insensitive at times.

Why are rhey Neanderthal!s when it comes to being in a partnership together?

bah's picture

I made a deal with DH. told him we have a year to sort this out and if we can't we're done. I think that was his come to Jesus moment. After 10 months of the same circular argument he finally got how it makes me feel when I, who is really good to him, REALLY GOOD, gets less consideration than women who treat him (and me ) with so little regard. Not very motivated to put him first if I come second. . .and that hit hard.

But I was ready to end the marriage and I think he realized this was make or break time.

Bah

Amber Miller's picture

My DH did this to me before we married. It was at least 8 years ago when this happened. His adult looser, narcissistic, lying, manipulative, POS daughter started shit with me. She was bashing her father to me. Telling me he never paid child support and wasn't a good dad. (BTW he paid over $1500 a month in child support for her only; she has siblings). I told her that she was being a spoiled brat. She hung up the phone and called daaaaaddddddeeeee. The little snot was pregnant and upset; boo hoo hoo. My DH barely spoke to me for a month and the resentment I carried towards both of them lasted for years. I was defending him and he was only worried about his precious princess getting mad at him if he showed any support of me. This set off a creepy connection between the two of them. Daily phonecalls, weekly lunches and DH was now constantly kissing SD's ass. It was disgusting. His head was so far up her ass and vice versa. I found myself on a campaign to show him what a terrible person his rotten bitch daughter was and it always ended up with us fighting while he defended her.
Well, when I figured out that I needed to stop trying to get him to see his brat for what she was, she started to expose herself. Finally he got it. She eventually had another tantrum and told daddy off. Princess was mad that daddy was no longer her personal bank/ATM and went on the attack. She wants to know why daddy is supporting and living with "strangers" when he should be supporting her because she is the child and he's the parent (yes, she said this verbatim when she was 30 years old). Daddy eventually cut her off financially when he figured out that she was an insatiable liar and couldn't be trusted. He learned that throwing money at her was enabling bad behavior.
They haven't spoke in over 2 years and he says that's fine with him. He says her behavior is inexcusable and he's happier without her craziness and drama. She had put him through hell for years and years.
He eventually apologized for not believing me and giving into her demands. There's more to the story but I think you get the idea. I don't know if this helps or not but it worked for me.
I am now totally disengaged, she's gone and life is good.
I know it hurts, I've been there. Take care and I hope things get better.

twoviewpoints's picture

No it is not normal. Sure he acknowledged he hurt you, but he can't tell you the how's and why's because he doesn't believe what all he as done and how he did it is wrong.

From the car to the property settlement to the horse... and still you blame SD instead of who is really causing the things you see as the problem. This man does exactly what he wants, how he wants and while he recognizes you're upset and hurt and he's sorry you feel the way you do, he can't tell you what you want and need to hear.

He's never going to be the man you want and need him to be. You're either sadly going to have to accept that or let him go. You deserve all the things you wish he could be for you but you two have been at this same dance for a long time now. How much longer you choose to continue to try and change him is, of course, your own personal decision to make and then live with.... but just know you don't have to settle. You don't have to ask 'is this normal'. If it's not working for you, then no, it's not 'normal'. It's not ok.

ChiefGrownup's picture

The first year of marriage is the toughest. This is when you look at the other in shock going 'what just happened? really?' You have to learn to work it out with each other, making the love the priority. So you have to find ways to forgive that you can feel good about and endlessly sucking up hurt is not it.

If he truly cannot understand and say what you want him to say, is there any other way he can make it up to you? Try to find that common ground if you can.

At the same time you can also firmly but kindly state your own boundaries. There is no "her side" or "my side." If he can't trust you to tell the truth with accuracy and fairness he should not have married you and I would tell him so. So what you really should have is the two of you solving a problem together. He can then tell you what he thinks she is thinking or what might be effective with her, but he should not be "picking her side" or even "in the middle." No. You two are always on the same side of everything. You may not agree with each other, but you are on the same side. You are the Ultimate Allies.

See if you can reframe your dialogue with him along these lines. Right now you are losing and he probably feels like he is losing too. Stop trying to win. Instead, try to climb into the same boat and row together.

Stormyweather's picture

Thank you for all your comments and I can see what you are trying to say given you don't know the back story or what's going through our minds at the time.

I agree with one poster who said he can't articulate why he's hurt me because he feels he's done nothing wrong. He believes he was in control of the deal between me and my step daughter, for her to sell my horse on consignment for me. My DH told me I had no right to contact her directly ( I sent a chatty text asking her when she was planning to transfer the funds as I had heard she had sold my horse...4 weeks ago!!). But This is her style. She borrows things ( eg our ride on lawn mower) and dosent return it. She ignores people ( eg a person chasing up a bill she hasn't paid), and she ignored my text but went into hysterics and whinging to her sister who in turn contacted her father (my Dh) who raged at me claiming I was harrasing his daughter, that night I came home from seeing a friend! It was totally out of the blue and I had no idea what has happened until I copped it from Dh about how I was harassing his daughter!! He was claiming that all I wanted was the money and that if I wanted it so much, he would give it to me instead of her and that the reason why SD21 didn't reply to my text was because she was intimidated by me!!!! The story sounded so ridiculous that I started to wonder if my Dh and SD 21 had colluded all along for her to keep my money from the sale of my horse, as a week or two later,I hear she purchased a $40k horse and she dosent work FT nor is she permanently employed. No bank would loan her the money so after being treated so badly by my DH, I felt they were hiding something and he was funding her without my knowledge. Our relationship went from being happy to a shit heap in one evening. He sided with her claiming I was harassing her and was acting all protective of her and her feelings of being intimidated by me.... Not intimidating enough to speak to me about selling my horse for me, but magically intimidated when it came time to pay me!

He wasn't interested in hearing my side of the story, or to see my text. He was in full protection mode of her!

So it was about choosing sides as far as I was concerned and the fact he wasn't interested in having an adult discussion about it, but to literally verbally absue me about it ( and acted all incensed when I stated it was between me and his daughter and it was none of his business)..... He keeps deflecting how he verbally abused me by coming back to what I said about the horse deal had nothing to do with him as he truly believes it has everything to do with him ( and nothing to do with me) as SD 21 is HIs daughter!!!! He expected me to speak to him about finding out about when I was getting my money for the horse. I was expected to read his mind about that. He is very controlling and he can't see that but instead blames me for daring to make my own decision I believe.

SD21 and I do have "history" when she lived FT in my house after she failed her final year of school ( always someone else's fault and never hers)... She was keeping her 2 horses on my property ( I live on 5 acres and have a horse myself and all horse facilities) and she was using all said facilities as well as feeding her horses and keeping them on my paddocks all for nothing. All the while she did what ever the hell she wanted, wasn't working, didn't even help around the house to make it easier for me whilst I worked FT myself... No... Miss princess was allowed by DH to do anything she wanted at my expense! I tried to talk to DH about how shs needed to either start putting in around here to help out, or she needs to get a job etc but once again he flies in to support her and stomped my concerns as being unreasonable. So I asked them to leave. We broke up for a while and now 2 half years later here we are again so I'm thinking DH wasn't sincere with what he said to "win" me back and he has no intention of ever considering me as a legitimate partner in life. DH can't see or understands my concerns and says I'm jealous. Blah!

ldvilen's picture

Thank you for all of that info., and it was good to hear. Personally, I think you did nothing wrong in contacting her directly since you had a stake in the deal, clearly--it was your horse/property and she was basically selling it for you. She was basically your agent, and of course you should be able to work with your agent directly. BUT, I really don't think that is the issue. And, next time, no consignment deals or such with any of your DH's family members, period.

I went through an issue somewhat similar to this recently with my DH. Thought I knew him well, went to a family event, got major-leagued thrown under the bus, and had a hard time dealing with the fallout. To me, it was almost like my husband stood by while I was being mugged by his own family members, so I know that feeling. DH acted empathetic, but I got the feeling he wasn't getting it. I went to a counselor on my own, and she was a marriage and family counselor, simply because I didn't know how to deal with all of that rejection all at once, and wasn't even remotely emotionally prepared to be Shanghaied by what I thought were family members at what I thought was simply going to be a blessed family event. Yeah, I thought if going alone doesn't work, I was going to have to bring hubby into counseling too. I wanted to get a professional's opinion and see what shook out. Thank God I got a counselor who GOT IT, because some of them don't get step-situations, and she gave me the empathy I needed re: how your husband is your husband and he treats you as his wife, period. He is no longer married to his ex-, and ALL need to respect that.

Anyway, I don't wnat to make this too long. . . One thing she had us do is sit together, just us two, and each of us take turns telling our side of the story. The other one had to just sit and listen, while the other one told their side. Some surprising things came out of this. I saw that DH was so stressed himself at that time that he couldn't even think straight. And, when I got done telling my side of the story, complete with what I saw going down and how I emotionally felt, my DH turned to me and said, "I am so sorry, I had no idea it was that hard on you." Only then, did I finally feel he got it. Anyway, if possible, you may want to try this with your husband. Hopefully, he'd be open to it, and you might have to wait for things to calm down a bit first, where emotions are not so raw. You might be surprised what you both find out. AND, I now think this is a good idea not just for step-situations, but for any situation where you and your SO are seemingly seeing things from completely different angles. Take care, and best of luck! We all know, have felt what you are going through--here at Steptalk.

Stormyweather's picture

DH claims he hasn't funded her new horse but refused to give me access to his accounts... At which point I accused him of being untrustworthy and that I no longer trust him ( do you blame me?) and all he could focus on was my inability to take his word... " dosent my word mean anything to you? " Like I was the one with the problem ( see the manipulations)!!

Ummmm... No! I don't trust you. If youve got nothing to hide then prove it!

And yes it does matter to me as I value open financial transparency in a marriage. I've been requesting this long before we got married so he knows it's something I value. He just never got around to it until now.

I've since had access to his accounts ( only after saying I've had enough and I wanted him gone) and I can't see any obvious transactions... But who knows?

Once again he gives me what Ive been asking for, only after I've reached my limit with hm!

He dosent get this either!! And can't seem to acknowledge my concerns and do what ever it takes to show me his transparency!

Hence his passive aggressive tendencies. Garh!!

twoviewpoints's picture

No, the OP made the consignment deal with the SD all by herself. All negotiations thru the two women. The DH offered to transport the horse. His only 'involvement', period. This was a business transaction between agent who peddles in horse trade (SD) and client (OP/SM).

The horse had been moved and sold for weeks and no word or cash forthcoming from agent(SD) who received her consignment fees and profit plus the money now owed the owner of said horse (OP/SM). OP sent SD a very pleasant business type text inquire as to when OP could expect the payoff. DH went total asshole over OP'S innocent inquire.

I've no idea if it's ever came to light who/how the $40,000 horse purchased by SD was financed.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/221034

Stormyweather's picture

Exactly Twopoints! You've been following my story ( happened July this year)... I'm honoured! Smile

So hence my shock at his over reaction to my innocent enquiry and my logical jump to the conclusion that there must have been a secret Deal between SD and DH as the over reaction wasn't commensurate with the "crime".. Lol / text!

And still to this day I am clueless as to how a young girl, without regular work and who rents a property can afford a horse of that quality. I've asked DH does he know how.. And he says it's none of his business as she's a grown woman ( but then refused for us two to speak to clear the air... Contradictory) :? ..

And I believe she's still trying to sell her other horse that's worth $20k as well, perhaps to pay off her " whatever you call it.. Loan?" It's possible DH withdrew amounts from his business account with the view when the other horse sells, she will pay him back at least that amount. The horse is old ( going on 18 now) and has a heart murmur and would fail a vet check for sure... And isn't worth $20k!

I couldn't help myself and out it put there to DH the other day, that perhaps she's selling drugs!!! Mean I know but you come up with a better reason? Prostitution or a sugar daddy perhaps? I believe she's capable of all three as she would fleece your wallet while watching you die in the gutter! She doesn't care about anyone else but herself and I thought her offering to sell my horse for me was a sign she was willing to put our past history behind us and I was willing to as well. Never again.

Stormyweather's picture

Exactly Tommar p!! I totally agree with your appraisal and thank you Idvilen for your constructive suggestions.

As for counselling, it's helped me put a label on the dysfunction and that is my DH is passive aggressive ( on the disorder spectrum) and the counsellor is helping me not only understand it but to be more aware of his manipulative ways, as well as how better to deal with his behavior ( DH and I have been attending counselling since this situation happened as I wanted him out again and he refused saying we are married now). He has also helped me come to terms with my co dependent tendencies ( hence tolerating bad behavior) but I'm growing In my awareness of my own issues and making better choices re my boundaries. DH is now noticing his Manipluations aren't working ( as well as they did before) BUT I've still got more "growing" to do in order for me to get the strength to leave him for good.

And Idvilen, we did the whole telling each other our side of the story ... And his side sounds so controlling and as Tommar says... It's none of my business what he does and is trying really hard to maintain this status quo as a platform for our relationship. I dont believe now he is able to be in what I call an equal partnership as a marriage. His idea is " it's what I want, and I have no authentic say in joint decisions" but he wants to do what he wants to do.. And our finances arent together.. He refuses to even have joint account for house hold expenses. I want to maintain our independence for sure as I can't see this lasting to be honest ( I work FT in a professional capacity) but I would like at least a household joint account so we can share desicions re the house ( which is mine) at the very least.

This has gone on since July 31st when he tore me a new one and can't understand why I'm not willing to let it go.. Suck it up ( he can't see the big deal and thinks I'm just jealous) and keep the status quo in our relationship. This is where the counsellor is helping me grow in awareness of DHs controlling ways and I'm growing in strength by not tolerating his bull shit. I'm prepared to "continue to try and reconnect" but not at losing myself along the way. If it comes to the inevitable, I pray for strength to kick him out for good this time.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Put a lien on whatever property she's got. Get your money. Never deal with her again in any way whatsoever.

To be more clear on my earlier advice, tell your dh your relationship cannot work if he doesn't see you as his partner, the one he trusts most. If he cannot do that, the relationship cannot survive. And then I agree with you, he is not a proper partner. Move on.

So what I mean to say is be very clear with him that the whole bullshit of him harassing you about "daring" to contact the broker that you contracted with is a deal breaker. It's not marriage. It's a marriage killer. You won't live like that.

Honestly, if he's willing to treat you like this I don't see much to hang on to. You may not be ready but these are big numbers and ludicrous accusations and actions on his part.

Gather your paperwork, get the lien, kick him out.