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No, no, GOD NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

paul_in_utah's picture

Well, my 4 years of step-free bliss came to a screeching halt yesterday. DW picked me up from the gym, and after chatting with me for a few minutes, nonchalantly said "SD20 is getting medically discharged from the army. She and her husband will need to move in with us for a while."

At first I thought she was joking, but I quickly realized the truth. In the few moments it took for me to completely flip my lid, I asked why SD was getting medically discharged. "Oh, it's due to her heart condition, and because she is overweight." Now I'm not sure about her supposed heart condition, but I damn sure know that she can control her weight to a reasonable degree. DW realized that she shouldn't have mentioned that weight was part of the decision, and immediately started to walk that back, stressing the supposed heart condition.

Of course DW did not consult me before green-lighting this plan. As she started to offer a stream of naive, idealistic predictions ("They'll only be here for a while," and "they can help around the house"), I started to realize just how bad the situation was going to be. I thought back to all of the horror stories of adult skids moving home that I have heard here, and realized this was my fate. I pitched a fit, and told her she had no right to do this unilaterally, and that I had told her for years that I didn't want any of her family moving in with this. The conversation got predictably heated, and I threatened to leave. She called my bluff, so I ended up going to a hotel for a while.

After calming down a bit, I decided that I wasn't going to let some stupid skid run my life, and force me out of my own home. I came back last night, but we have continued to argue about the situation. As you might imagine,DW won't commit to a written contract or "exit strategy," for skid and husband, saying that would be "too harsh." It was pretty funny hearing that one again, because she used the "too harsh" excuse to rescind any parental authority over the skids back when they were kids, even though the we were all living in the same house, most of which was paid for by me.

So now it looks like I'm stuck with the fucking feeloaders moving into the house and mooching off of us for the foreseeable future. Neither one of them have a college degree, so they will at best be looking to get minimum wage jobs. SD is lazy, belligerent, entitled, and is a huge slob. She also smokes. The husband is actually a decent guy, but I know that like my own marriage, his wife wears the pants in the relationship. This means that he will probably be influenced by SD to slow-play any attempts to find work, so that they can live "the good life" for as long as possible.

I am obviously very upset with this situation. I am still formulating my strategy, but in broad strokes I will look to make things as uncomfortable as possible on SD and husband. I will constantly be up their collective ass about finding work, finding their own place, and getting the hell out of my house. I am prepared to go to war over this, and am mentally preparing myself for fighting with DW every day if that's what it takes. Also, SD will now be known as "Porky," since being a lazy fat-ass was at least part of the reason she got kicked out of the army. FUCK!!!!!!

paul_in_utah's picture

I think the heart condition was discovered more recently. However, Porky has always struggled with her weight, and I am sure that she was warned multiple times by the Army to get it under control. She either didn't tell DW about that, or DW didn't share it with me. Porky has genetics against her, as DW is 5'6" 250 pounds, and her "pefect" bio-daddy is about 40 pounds overweight as well. However, she is only 19 years old, and I'm sure she could have lost the weight if she wanted to badly enough.

I actually posted on this a few years ago, before she enlisted. She was 5'11", pushing 200 pounds at the time, and I asked the group if that seemed out of line. Got a lot of blowback for even posing the question.

paul_in_utah's picture

No, this was before she enlisted. She dieted and exercised, and just barely managed to hit the upper-end of the weight scale when she reported to boot camp. She has since plumped up again.

paul_in_utah's picture

Oh, I know! Her weight is a "3rd Rail" issue, and she is so sensitive about it we have never actually discussed it. She has a huge chip on her shoulder because of it.

paul_in_utah's picture

It may end up being a deal-breaker for me as well. Getting divorced would cost me around 250K, and I'm not sure it's worth that at this point. I do travel extensively for work, but I'm not sure that will matter if they never move out. I hate to throw the "baby out with the bathwater," but I may not have a choice.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Just watch. She'll be pregnant before long. THen you'll have the grandbaby too.
Do they even have a car? What income do they have now? Yep, The awesome,amazinng wonderful pregnancy will be next. Paw paw

paul_in_utah's picture

They have a car, but since they are moving back from where she had been deployed, they will not have jobs. Of course, DW will support them "taking their time" to find the "right" job that is worthy of having them work there.

I had considered the pregnancy angle as well. If that happens, I am gone, no questions asked.

paul_in_utah's picture

The house is in my name only, but it was purchased during the marriage (mortgage company said wife's student loan debt and minimal income would hurt our application). I presume it is still community property, even though it is in my name only. I also put about 90K of inheritance into the house, but again, I'm afraid that would be considered co-mingled, so I wouldn't be able to back that figure out.

If I leave, it will wipe me out financially. I could probably get a 170K mortgage on the house (which I don't want to give up), but I'm not sure where I would get the rest. Might have to break open my 401k, which would suck.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Fight harder, Paul.

Sounds like your wife is used to you caving. Let her see a different side of you. And for your own edification, talk to a divorce attorney.

robin333's picture

If my DH ever made an unilateral decision about people moving in with us, I would leave him, aka kick him out. That's beyond disrespectful and selfish.

It will be hell to get them out. Can you put down a security deposit and 3 months rent instead? It will be cheaper and a lot less miserable. I would sell this as you and DW want into help while supporting their independence and allowing their marriage to continue to be intimate and special... whatever to sell her on the idea.

paul_in_utah's picture

Already tried that - she said it would be "unreasonable." Bottom line, she wants what she wants, and she wants her kid living here.

notsobad's picture

Stand up and say no.
You really don't have to argue or make any compromises, just say No. They are not living in this house.
I would go so far as to call SD and tell her that she and her hubby had better make other arrangements.

You only get one life, why live it in misery?

If your wife is willing to leave you because of this then so be it. She is the one who should be going to a hotel, not you.

paul_in_utah's picture

Already thought of that. Wife said she'd file a restraining order on me if I call SD.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Wait...what? A restraining order if you call the adult wanting to move into your home? Oh hell no. I would never let a spouse threatened me. Go talk to a lawyer today!!!!!

robin333's picture

Depends on your sex, location and circumstances. If DW wanted, she could claim some sort of abuse or fear of abuse and possibly get one without any physical evidence.

I would imagine the only reason she would threaten to do that is to have Paul removed from the home until the court hearing for a permanent order.

Paul, get your butt to an attorney asap. That doesn't sound crazy to me. I see it as manipulation and premeditation.

robin333's picture

I'm sorry you went through that. I have seen the above happen where I currently live. It totally sucks and undermines the folks that truly need that protection.

notsobad's picture

Call a lawyer and get an opinion on what would happen if she did this.

My gut tells me that they wouldn't give her one because you are not threatening her, or anyone else for that matter. If she were to lie and say that you were threatening her then get that divorce lawyer on the phone ASAP.

I would also think that if she felt threatened the cops would tell her to move out and go to a womans shelter.

You can keep coming up with excuses but the fact is, it is YOUR house, in YOUR name and you can say NO!

paul_in_utah's picture

She already called my bluff about me leaving, and I ended up coming back last night. As I am thinking it through today, I am starting to realize this is a "lose/lose" proposition for me. I have put a call into an attorney. I'm not willing to throw in the towel just yet, but I do want to get a better idea of what I will have to pay her if I do leave. This just makes me sick.

And the part about her knowing it was coming, and not telling us, is really infuriating. Of course, it's just as likely that she ****did**** tell DW, and DW withheld the information from me.

notsobad's picture

You need to stop thinking about it as her calling your bluff.

You came home because it's your house. You came home in the hopes that you and she could talk and come to a sensible decision.

You don't have to throw in any towel. You just need to say NO and NO again. SD and her hubby are not living here. Under no circumstances will you allow them to move in to the house you and she live in.

flipingout_6's picture

Hey, just wanted to let you know that there is a good chance she is being chaptered out due to het weight, and if thats the case she will be getting diddly squat. If she had been in longer she may have qualified for the post 9/11. But if she is getting out because she failed the fat boy program then she wont get any benefits.

If its actually a medical discharge due to a heart condition then there is a good chance that she will get some type of disability, but it may be as little as 10 percent. She hasnt been in long, and units tend to crack down on those who are overweight, its kind if a cardnal sin in the Army. Or at least it used to be.

I wish you the best of luck, and I really would go talk to a lawyer, once they move in it may be impossible to get them out again.

Amcc13's picture

I think instead of leaving yourself I would have asked her to leave.
However this is a delicate situation because this women appears to be very entitled and may try to lie and cheat you out of the house.
I would install cameras when she is out in common areas and get a body camera to ensure no chance of her calling abuse.
Start recording now

Then I would sit her down and say
What you have done is very disrespectful
And hurtful. If you won't draw up a contract for an exit plan
As well as behaviour when they are here then I can only assume I
Mean so little to you that you no longer want our relationship to continue
I think it's best we sell the house and go our separate ways ways
But I think it is time for you to leave with your adult child

I don't know Paul ; be careful with this one. I have a bad feeling