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No bio kids...advice please?

gapeach12's picture

I don't have bio kids yet, but I've always wanted to be a mother. What worries me now is that with SS5, I find him to be annoying and obnoxious. I can't say that I enjoy being around him. It scares me to think I'll feel this way about my own children. I've always felt I liked children and enjoyed being around my niece and nephew and friends children. Bio moms, is there a difference in the way you feel about your own as opposed to your SKs? Did any other moms who didn't come into the relationship with their own kids feel this way? 

Seriously7's picture

I don't think there's any comparison between your own children and your step children.  I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that and I don't think that applies for all step situations, for example, if the other parent is in no way involved and someone has adopted their stepchild as an infant or young child and raised them as their own. Other than those situations, there are so many difficult dynamics involved when it comes to step children that you don't have with your own.

SeeYouNever's picture

How you feel about stepkids is entirely different from how you will feel about your own biokids or an adopted kid that you are the primary parent. 

My SD might as well be a stranger compared to how much I love my own biodaughter.

ndc's picture

There is no comparison whatsoever in my experience. I love and have a good relationship with my skids, but the feelings I have for them pale in comparison to the love I have for my bio. It's just not the same at all.

justmakingthebest's picture

I love my kids with a fierceness. I think they are smart and beautiful and amazing. I know that I am one of the only people to feel that way about my children. LOL

On the flip side, I really can't stand other people's kids. Not their friends, not my friends kids, not my SS's some days, not kids at their schools or when they were little, kids at a playground.... 

Not liking other people's kids has no bearing on how you will feel about your own Smile

Picardy III's picture

It's hard for me to compare my feelings to my stepkids to those for my baby/toddler daughter, because I didn't know them when they were little. Our relationships were established as they were approaching maturity, at the breaking away stage.

But I imagine if I'd known them as littles, I would have found a lot of their "cute dependent" behavior annoying, while I find it adorable in my daughter (so long as it's age appropriate).

SMto3's picture

I love my H, and once I became a mom 5.5 years ago, I understood parenthood on a different level. Instead of just feeling annoyance for his kids, I also now feel a sense of pity for them. Pity that they don't have a mother who loves them as much as I love DD. Pity that they sill probably always feel broken, pity that they will take longer to flourish, to blossom, to grow. Pity that where their mother should have been watering them, she was always feeling them poison to their minds. Now they are mostly confused and miserable teen/almost adult. I care about them differently also, probably from that sense of pity, but nowhere do I love them nearly as much as I love DD5. And it also has to do with your kid thinking you are the best in the world also. Not a day goes by DD5 doesn't tell me that I'm the best mother in the world. Skids on the other hand have never told me anything like that, even though I'm sure they do care about me on some level. The connection is just not there with step kids, it either grows or it doesn't. It doesn't have biology to help it. 
 

edit to add; a lot of times DD5 annoys me too ( was never a kid fan before her anyway) but the connection is just different. She sees stars for me, unlike any other person in the world. 

BethAnne's picture

Being around my sd was great birth control. She's a good kid but it showed me how much time and energy is eaten up by child rearing. We waited 6 years before trying for a baby. 

Dogmom1321's picture

A lot of the things that annoy me about SD10 is related to her BM. Temperment, personality, values, etc. I think Bio parents have an easier time connecting to their kids because they have similaritie. SD and I couldn't be more polar opposite. It makes it difficult for us to relate to another. Not that kids AREN'T able to have different personalities from their parents, but it's way more likely I'll share traits with my own bio. In turn, makes them more "tolerable."

Rags's picture

Annoying and obnoxious kids are the product of shitty parents.  Find a man of quality to father your children. Do not subject your own children to this shallow and polluted gene pool.

The number of SParents who experience the failure of their SO as parents who choose to pollute their own gene pool with SOs who have failed so miserably as parents is always mind boggling to me.  

A shitty parent is not likely to suddenly become a successful parent and no amount of love from a new partner will change that.  It can work out, but that extremely rare.

I have no BKs and chose not to have any though not because my incredible is a failed parent. She is a great mom who went to great lengths to set a great example in parenting her son.  I am proud to have helped raise him.

Find a partner to have kids with who has not produced annoying and obnoxious progeny.

Good luck.