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Nightmare ex, making my life unbearable

zoez's picture

Hi fellow step parents. Long time lurker, first time poster here.
I am at a loss so I decided to post here in the hopes of getting advice, shared experiences, thoughts or just anything really from someone who may understand. Sorry if this is long, I just truly need to vent...

I have been married to my husband for two years. He has a child from a previous relationship (never married), and his ex girlfriend has made it her life's mission to make our life together as uncomfortable as possible.
I always assumed things would get easier with time, but every single time I feel like things have calmed down, a storm hits us.

We live on a large farm/ranch in our own house, but my in laws also live on the property. In the beginning, the ex used to visit my in laws a lot, but we voiced our opinion on the matter and it stopped for a while, only to start again in an even worse way. Now she spends weekends there! Literally spends nights sleeping over at her ex boyfriends parents house, and she is 40+... In what world is this normal? And while she is staying there, she makes sure to "accidentally" bump into me and my husband when we do work around the farm, only to harass us. She also talks my SD into spending the nights at my in laws house with her, instead of with us. This is particularly frustrating for my DH, as he loses valuable time with his daughter. However, he does not want to cause a scene in front of his daughter and is reluctant of being the one to "deny" her to spend time with her mother and grandparents.

She also uses every opportunity to talk negatively about us, accusing us of things, and spreading rumors about us to anyone who will listen. Common friends, family members, employees, my in laws. And no one seems to have the balls to put her in her place. I have been subject to her abuse for two years now. Phone calls, messages, face to face abuse, I have just taken it and never once said or done anything to her. I thought it would be best for my SD to be the bigger person and not get involved in this drama. I have ignored it to the best of my ability, but now it seems to have move into my home so to speak. I do not feel safe or comfortable in my own home. I do not trust my in laws. I lock myself in the house and avoid all farm work, leaving all of that to my husband because I do not wish to see her. This has become unbearable and we do not know what to do. We have tried talking to his parents, they know how we are feeling. I think they know that what they are doing is wrong, but they clearly have no intention of stopping it. I am now considering getting a divorce and move out because it has gone too far and no one seems to do anything about it. I am six months pregnant as well, so I might be overly emotional because of that, but I don't really think so. I think I would have reacted and felt the same way regardless.
Sorry for the long post, and thank you to all of you who took the time to read it.

MurphysLaw's picture

Find your voice.
Next time the skank appears TELL THE B!TCH OFF!, tell your inlaws off and tell your husband incase he hasn’t noticed you are having his child NOT his bastard, his child!
Talk to an attorney about sending the lowlife b!tch a Cease & Desisted letter about running her mouth.
And I would call a Real Estate agent, BUT I would accidentally give them my inlaws address, let the agent knock on their door & ask for you & your husband about the house you’re selling (oopsy!)
Ghost the inlaws! Seriously! fck them! They have more respect for some slut that their son knocked up than their lawful daughter in law.
Enough is enough and too much is sh!tty!

Take care of YOU!

strugglingSM's picture

Has your DH ever talked to his parents about how his ex is harassing both of you and he’d prefer if she doesn’t stay with them? If not, he should. He’s not keeping them from their grandchild if the child is staying with you while his ex is staying with his parents.

If he’s told them and they still let her stay, then he has a dysfunctional relationship with his parents and he needs to find a way to distance himself from them. Easier said than done, especially if you all work together. My DH has a dysfunctional family and it’s reallydriven a wedge into our relationship at times.

zoez's picture

Thank you all so much for your replies and inputs, I really appreciate every single comment!

To answer some of your questions:
My husband and I own half of the property and business, it is all 50/50 so in theory we do not really have a say in who they allow to visit their house/property. When confronted, they claim they invite her and allow her to visit "for their granddaughter's sake" and to "keep the peace". I get along with them well and we have never had any issues apart from this. They know about her abuse and harassment to some extent because she has done it in front of them. I don't know how much he has told them about other things she has done, but I think it is about time he tells them everything. Or perhaps I should?
I don't really know if it would even make a difference though, considering how much they already know, and they still invite her over and allow her to visit whenever she pleases. I cannot for the life of me understand their logic, and why their loyalty is so severely misplaced.

I am absolutely exhausted by this. I even caught her peeping through my windows! So I keep the blinds down at all times, and literally lock myself in the house! I cannot live like this anymore, something needs to be done.
And I have told my DH I have been thinking about moving and/or getting a divorce, which obviously upsets him as he feels like this is not his fault and he cannot control his parents. Which of course he can't, they are adults and do as they please. But if this nonsense is to continue, we are going to have to move and perhaps completely cut them out of our life. Although that would be extremely difficult. I don't know guys. I feel so lost, and the whole situation seems so abnormal and bizarre.

Thank you for reading.

strugglingSM's picture

Your in-laws sound passive aggressive and manipulative. Is it really good for their grandchild to see her mother’s bad behavior or see her father be treated with such disrespect? It doesn’t sound like it’s keeping the peace, but rather causing more conflict.

You’re in a tough situation. If I were you, I’d try to distance myself as much as possible from them. Good luck!

Curious Georgetta's picture

Are you seriously considering divorcing your husband or denying your child access to his/her grandparents because you object to them having a house guest who does not meet with your approval?

The grandparents should not be expected necessarily to take a position in or get involved in issues between their son and his ex. These are 2 adults that should be able to resolve thier conflicts without expecting the relationship with the grandparents to become collateral damage to the divorce.

The grandparents probably see both you and the ex in much the same manner. They may like you both
You are both women that their son brought into thier lives. You are both the mother or soon to be mother of their grandchildren. They may want no part in the disagreements between you and their son's ex. It is unfair to expect them to become a
party to your adult problems.

If you are serious about possibly divorcing their son, then all too soon they will have to once again decide what kind of relationship to
maintain with the mother of yet another grandchild.

The ex sounds like a difficult person for you and your husband to be forced to maintain a relationship, but it is unfair of you to expect your problem to become your In-laws' problem.

It is within your right to ban the ex from your home, but I think that is the only home over which
you have any right to expect to exert that kind of control.

Maybe, you guys could erect a privacy fence around your house and make it clear to the ex that she will be treated as a trespasser if she comes inside of your gated/fenced area.

Maybe , when the baby arrives , you will be so caught up in the joy that comes with a new baby that the shenanigans of the ex will fall into the background.

beebeel's picture

"The ex sounds like a difficult person for you and your husband to be forced to maintain a relationship, but it is unfair of you to expect your problem to become your In-laws' problem."

Why in the world should she be "forced" into a relationship with the bm? That is the most absurd thing you have posted to date. It is unfair of the in-laws to pretend like the ex isn't a problem, FORCING her around their son and DIL.

Ispofacto's picture

WTF?? This is a stalking situation and is completely and utterly unacceptable.

OP needs to videotape the behavior and get a RO, or move out.

Loxy's picture

That is a truly horrible situation and you have every right to be angry and over it! I think you and your DH need to make a final plea to your parents in law. Sit them own and explain EVERYTHING going on and be honest about how you feel – ie that at this point in time with no solution in sight and without their support you are considering moving out. I doubt they want their grandchild (ie your baby) moved off the property so I would be very firm but clear with them that they are significantly contributing to the problem and you expect them to do the right thing and stop.

Your DH needs to man up and lead this conversation and strongly call his parents on their weak and unsupportive behaviour.

I would also install some video cameras around your property to capture her trespassing and report her to the police. She may be invited to the parents’ house but coming onto your property and peeking through windows etc is trespassing and you can report her to the police.

If none of the above works then I would also leave as the situation is simply untenable.

Curious Georgetta's picture

The in-laws are having a guest in their home. They are free to invite and host whomever they choose.
The OP did not indicate that the in-laws had any conflicts with the ex. The problems seem to exist between the ex and the OP and the OPs husband.

The in-laws do not appear to have a role in these issues. They may indeed like both thier current and former daughters in-law. They may reasonably expect these adults to handle their discord and disagreements without expecting the parents to become involved.

The OPs husband cannot say to his parents that they must avoid their grandchild's mother because
he no longer gets along with her.

We have no idea what the parents think about any of the conflicts or whom they believe to be at fault. To their credit, they seen to be staying in their lane as grandparents.

They seem to want to be cordial with both current and former daughters in-law. That would seem to be sensible and impartial behavior. They are not attempting to dictate the behavior of the ex, thier son or his wife. They cannot be faulted for managing their household as they see fit. That is certainly what the OP expects to do in her home.

strugglingSM's picture

She did say that the in laws have witnessed BM’s harassment.

Also, do they have to invite BM to stay at their house? It’s one thing to be cordial, it’s another to provide her with more access to cause problems. Also, the post said that they allow BM to invite the daughter to stay at their home with BM when it’s supposed to be her night with her dad. That’s disrupting his visitation. If their son didn’t live close by, then maybe they’d have a stronger case, but really, they seem to just be involving themselves in the drama.

Acratopotes's picture

Why not simply get a RO against this woman...... then she's not allowed to come near you?

Or let your inner bitch come out and when she confronts you about anything, smile and say, Oh my act your age woman and not your show size, stop being jealous cause he married me and only f&cked you....

If your DH is not doing anything about it, Hon, put on your bitch panties and do it yourself, make it hell for her to visit. If she bad mouths you , smile and say to people concerned, I'm really flattered that she took such an interest in my life, I never knew I was her roll model....

zoez's picture

To Curious Georgetta: I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your input. And you may be right, I might be irrational considering divorcing my DH because of this. I hope my thoughts are mainly caused by pregnancy hormones, because we are doing really well apart from this. Although, this whole situation does make me feel extremely anxious and uncomfortable. The problem is not that my in laws are spending time with my husband's ex girlfriend, the problem occurs when she is harassing and abusing me/us and they allow her to visit our home and our place of work. If they wish to see her, they could have done it elsewhere, or at least not invite her unless we are away. Had she not behaved the way she does towards us, I would not have minded at all. And they are very much aware of her behavior, as I have said earlier, she has done it in front of them several times. They do not know the full extent of her harassment and abuse, but they have witnessed a lot.

To those of you who tell my husband and I to set some boundaries and demands, you are right. We are both rather shy people who try to avoid conflict. But I think it is about time we stand up for ourselves more than we have in the past, because this is clearly affecting me/us more than I would like to admit.

And regarding getting an RO against her, how does that work? I always thought there would have to be physical violence, etc. in order to get one. I will look into it though, thanks for the idea.

Thank you all again, I wish I could give you all a hug!