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Newly Married Stepmom

bowlingalli's picture

Hello!

I'm newly married and now have a SD6 (no bio kids yet). I do not have problems with the child. She is spoiled but that is my husband and his parents fault. I have been in SD's life for a little over 2 years now. At the beginning she was very loving and more dependent. Now as she is getting older she is growing more independent and less loving. She used to hug me and tell me she loved me often and now it is very very rarely. It's been months since she has said anything to imply she even liked me.  I care for her and wish the best for her but I find it hard to build a strong parent relationship with SD because bio mom being involved and my mother in law being over bearing. Her bio mom is a giant pain in all of our rear ends. She is not responsible or loving but of course my SD still wants to love her bio mom and I understand that. Its hard to love my SD like my own when I feel like she doesn't love me like a second mom. I feel like she feels she has all she needs with her bio mom and my mother in law and there is no need for her to build a relationship with me. It just makes every other week when she's here awkward. I feel like I have a guest in my home even though I know this should be her home too.  All of this has been amplified because I'm a school teacher and I'm in charge of watching her everyday on our weeks while my husband works. I don't enjoy watching her every day, it is the opposite of a relaxing summer. I hate to say it feels like "baby sitting" but it truly does as she doesn't feel like my own. I love kids and have always wanted them but I know when I have bio kids I will feel differently about them. I feel guilty for feeling this way as I know she is just a child and can't help anything. Any advice?

thinker's picture

Easy solution to the summer situation is to make yourself unavailable during the summer - for example find a fun summer job,  enroll in classes to get your masters, plan a summer adventure out of town - whatever interests you - just make yourself unavailable for the things you don't want to do and the dynamic will change.  It might be easier to have a good relationship with her if it's on your own terms?  

SteppedOut's picture

You will never lover her like your own...do not feel bad or guilty for that. 

Why is it your responsibility to give up your summer off and watch your husband's kid? What did he do before you were married? Why did that change? He needs to go back to whatever that was. It may be too late in the season to change that now...but be sure he has alternate care lined up next year (and on school breaks for the upcoming year!).

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Quit trying to be a "second Mom." Your SD has a Mom and a Grandmother who are fully in her life, she does not need another "Mom." Just because you married her father and have the title, "step-mom," does not mean you need to love her like your own, and it doesn't mean she needs to love you like a Mom. Instead, try taking on the role of "fun aunt" - it is much easier and comes much more natural. Your SD may be experiencing the same emotions that you are, she probably doesn't love you like she does her Mom and she may find it confusing as well when others are expecting her to have certain feelings.

As far as you watching her full time during the summer - you are under no obligation to do so. What would your DH be doing with her if you weren't around? 

JRI's picture

I think you have a few misconception.  I'm a 76yo SM so I have been thru it all. 1) "More independent and less loving as she ages".  Yes, normal.  She doesnt have to love you.  She does have to respect you, be polite and civil.  She doesnt have to hug you or tell you she loves you.  All this is true for you, too. 2) " Hard to build a parent relationship with her". You're not her parent.  This is virtually impossible to achieve.  See #1. 3) "Doesnt love me like a second mom".  Youre not a second mom, youre dad's wife.  4) "Feel like I have a guest in my home". Right.

The bigger issue is the expectation that you do childcare all summer.  Was this something you and DH agreed to early on?  If you agreed with your eyes open, then investigate activities like camp or other activities to reduce the time.  Even bio parents find summer too much time with kids.   Next summer, have summer employment plans.   If this was just assumed and you didnt agree to it, then discuss with DH.  How did he manage summers before you?

It's not easy being a SO and the summers are long.  I know, I had 5 of them here in the long summers.  Good luck.

 

Onanisland's picture

First of all, watching somebody else's kids IS babysitting. It's just that you don't get paid when you're a step parent!

I would advise counselling and /or doing some work on your own to try to let go of feeling guilty. It doesn't serve anyone. I am in a similar situation to you. Got together when my skids were 3&4 - I was not 'hands on' but they were open and sweet to me. This has completely changed now they're 10, 11. They act like I'm an alien and rarely respond to me. They don't make eye contact nevermind come near me! They are not 'bad' kids in any way. But our relationship is awkward as hell and I find it very difficult to have them here so much (as you said it's their home too so I usually end up hiding in my room like 1000000 other stepmoms and dad's!)

I have two boys of my own that I adore. I never felt that was about my skids for a minute. Even when they were funny, charming, kind - I have enjoyed with them but it hasn't been as emotional or as important to me. When they get hurt I keep a calm head, I talk to them gently, I offer them care but I do not feel any of the anxiety or sadness I feel for my own kids. That's ok.

And finally.. Nip that summer childcare in the bud asap. I have been stuck doing it for years simply because I'm available. They're parents are so used to me being available this year they didn't bother booking a single camp or activity. For the entire summer. I even asked them to look into it and they left it til everything was fully booked. I hate to say it but parents are not usually very aware of the demands they're making or very grateful. If you are carrying for your stepdaughter more than her parents it needs to stop (unless they want to pay you and that's something you want too).

 

diver111's picture

I'm so glad you found this site early on in your marriage!! I had to figure this out on my own and it's been a looooong 25 years. You are not a second mom - you are Dad's wife. She is your husband's daughter. Do not feel guilt or shame. This is normal to not love or have motherly feelings toward this child. She has two parents already - step back and let them parent. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree. Expectations in steplife are unfair. For both the stepparent and stepchild. The stepmom is expected to do the work of parenting without the control, put up with a hovering ex, and to love the child like their own while doing it. The stepchild is expected to love the stepparent like their own parent, while often being pressured by the other parent (BM) to dislike the stepparent! Poor biodad is just caught in the middle with all these women and/or children falling all over themselves, stressing to the point of sickness, manipulating and fighting each other for his time and attention! He doesn't get why his wife doesn't love all his kids as much as he does, why she dislikes the presence of his ex so much, or why his kids don't love his new wife as much as he does! 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

 I bet you used to look forward to summers, to recharge from the school year. At my kids' school, the teachers looked pale and stressed at the end of May and came back in August tan and refreshed. If you are a full-time daycare provider, you will come back worse off than before! The schedule is the best part of working in the school system (I was a school nurse), and you shouldn't be forced to dread your time off.

Here's a manipulative idea on how to avoid this if you don't think you can talk to your husband honestly without being called selfish (stepparents seem to be accused of this a lot)- next summer (and other breaks, too, if they plan to use you for those) get a *very* part-time job. But don't tell them how part time it is beforehand. Just tell them you will be working so you can't be used. Then the whole time, be vague about your schedule and do whatever the f you want.

If your husband isn't a jerk, though, maybe just talk honestly about your feelings. He probably doesn't even have the slightest idea that you aren't just as enthused as he is about spending as much time as possible with his daughter. If you don't think he can accept this reality, though, go the manipulative route. I learned about this tactic from my SO's BM. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I would let go of the idea that you will have a parent/child relationship with SD. I would change your expectations to something different and more realistic. I raised my Dear Neice since she was a baby. I never expected her to see me as anything but an aunt. 

Although her mother was abusive she was still her mother in her eyes and that didn't leave room for anyone else to fill that role. They will never have a typical mother/daughter relationship. But that being said she will always only have one mother. 

We have always had a good relationship as far as she has always been appreciative and respectful. She seeks my guidance and advice. But she has a very involved extended family because if her situation and she does the same with her grandparents and other aunt. Her and I do not have any closer if a bind than she does with anyone else just because I was the one who spent the most time with her.